Before we begin this extended post, I’d like to give a little promotion to something that recently caught my attention. As you may or may not know, I am a massive fan of the reality competition “King of the Nerds.” That show has defined who I am and while I am sad to still see it gone, it’s one of those shows that I feel with enough effort, can be brought back. A reason why I am doing a promotion related to the show is because I feel the show, along with its people, have done a lot for me. This means I should do something in return. One of the contestants who has been a part of this gem they call a TV show goes by the name of Genevieve, which if you watched the show, you’d probably recall her from season 1. She even worked on the show for the rest of its run! Now that it’s over, she has other thoughts on her mind. One of which to be specific, offspring. The same goes with her husband, Paul. Their journey to conception can be described in an acronym. I’ll give you a hint. It starts with a W. It ends with an F. There’s a T in there too. Think you’ve got it? You think it’s WTF? Well congratulations! You’ve won the opportunity to realize how wrong you are! The correct acronym is… WTIVF!
That’s right! Genevieve and Paul are now having a baby, but the journey to get there was like standing in line at Disneyland. Long, annoying, dreadful, sometimes even painful. Although that doesn’t mean it wasn’t simultaneously exciting. “WTIVF?” documents the journey of Genevieve and Paul as they try their absolute hardest to achieve pregnancy. The series will span over a time period that surpasses two years, as the couple “keep effing trying” to get through the total pain and suffering of whatever it takes to have a baby. This includes tests, DNA mapping, math (I guess it is something you use in real life!), and needle after needle after needle after needle after needle after needle! If you are interested in checking out “WTIVF?,” or if you want another way to refer to it, “What the IVF?,” It’ll be available on YouTube starting March 5th, and I’m sure Paul and Genevieve will be thrilled to have you viewing their content. Also, if you want to, tell em Jack Drees sent you! Check it out, the links down below are all related to “WTIVF?.” Check out their website, their YouTube, all that jazz! Click all of it! They needle you (facepalm)!
WTIVF? WEBSITE: http://www.whattheivf.com/
WTIVF? YOUTUBE: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCILXSidkzWgwrQ5Oa1py78w/featured?disable_polymer=1
WTIVF? TWITTER: https://twitter.com/WTivF
WTIVF? INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/wtivf/
WTIVF? FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/What-The-IVF-288868031634125/
Hey everyone, Jack Drees here! The previous sentence you just read may be the first thing I’ve said in a large number of my posts, but it IS NOT the first sentence I’ve ever written on Scene Before. That sentence specifically is this:
“Just last week, the first trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie has released, and what did fans think about it?”
That was from a post titled “Ghostbusters (2016) Trailer 1 Review: Most Poorly Received Trailer Ever?” I posted this on March 14, 2016, as a sophomore in high school who had no knowledge of where this blogging journey would take me. Turns out it took me beyond a land I could ever imagine. Flying carpets all over the place, clouds that could talk, a bunch of people who look like “Simpsons” characters, and an enormous castle with an extremely benevolent lord inside.
Nah nah I’m just kidding.
This isn’t to say my blogging journey sucked, but if you believed it started off that way, you’re going to need a brain-altering process beyond belief. My journey as the owner and operator of Scene Before, AKA the “official blog of the #NerdArmy’s film critic,” started off as a project in high school. In my honors level English class, or as I like to call it, possibly the greatest class ever, we were going to do an assignment where each student would make a blog on something they’re really passionate about. Given my statement, it wouldn’t surprise you that the project would be titled “Passion Blogs.” Naturally, I decided to do a blog where I review movies, because I like movies and watch reviews on YouTube. Why wouldn’t I want to add my little spice to the meal? To this day, I’ve gotten over 7,000 clicks, wonderful support from people I know and some I met along the way, and moments where my mother actually praised me and thought I was “awesome” because I was swearing.
There are definitely moments where I thought my blogging journey had its downfalls. There were times when I was losing viewers for various reasons. There were times when I saw a movie and I gave it a rating I later regretted because I watched it again or thought about it more and changed my mind. Some examples include “Suicide Squad” (originally 7/10, now 3/10), “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” (originally 9/10, now somewhere between 5-6/10), and “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” (originally 1/10, now so bad it doesn’t even deserve a rating). Speaking of that, I’ve had to suffer through some of the worst crap shoved down my throat as a movie-watcher. Have you seen “Snatched?” I wanted Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn to collaboratively break the fourth wall and snatch my eyes and ears out so I didn’t have to pay attention to the film no more. Have you seen “The Girl on the Train?” I like trains, in fact, I actually love trains, but that movie made me feel like I was someone who was forced to commute in and out of the city having the worst job of all time. Have you seen “The Emoji Movie?” No? Allow me to describe it in Emoji. 🎬💩💰🔪🍆. In English, this translates to: This movie’s a piece of s*it cash-grab that sliced off my dick.
This doesn’t mean I had no great times at the movies during my blogging experience. I got to make content for you all, that’s always a joy! I’ve also encountered several great movies that have become instant sensations to me. One such movie is “Arrival.” A lot of people were talking about this movie, it came out the weekend I went to a convention in Providence, RI, and while I was there I remember seeing someone as I walked alongside my father who said they saw it and they loved it. It seemed to be getting some attention. There was a movie theater at the mall nearby, so naturally, I went there and saw “Doctor Strange.” But I did go to another theater over a month after the film released, specifically on the day before New Year’s Eve, and it was worth the wait. I loved “Arrival” so much, that it was the second 4K film I’ve ever owned (first one is The Lone Survivor by the way). I also really enjoyed “Colossal,” a monster movie which may just be one of the most original films I’ve seen in my entire life. Funny enough, I actually was originally hoping to see “Kong: Skull Island,” but I ended up going to see this instead. I think I made a reasonable and wise choice. Speaking of wise choices, one wise choice I made is being one of the people who saw “Dunkirk” in IMAX 70mm. You know how I said I went to see “Doctor Strange” at a mall in Providence? I went to that same theater, the same auditorium in fact, and I went to see “Dunkirk” with IMAX’s original equipment. Not only was “Dunkirk” a great movie, but the whole experience gave a feeling that is hard to replicate. And sort of speaking of replicating, I saw the absolute gem known as “Blade Runner 2049.” It’s one of the best shot movies I’ve ever seen, one of the most well designed movies I’ve ever seen, one of the most well lit movies I’ve ever seen, showcasing some of the best visuals I’ve ever seen, and one of the best scores I’ve ever heard! The acting’s great too, it contains what I now consider my all time favorite Harrison Ford performance. Also, this movie made me fall in love with a hologram (Ana de Armas)! And no, it’s not necessarily because she’s naked during the film (even though that does happen). It’s partially because of how the movie developed her character along with her relationship with the main character of K (Ryan Gosling). I’ve done multiple review series’ for movies leading up to a certain film’s release. For example, leading up to Christopher Nolan’s “Dunkirk,” I reviewed three Christopher Nolan movies, specifically “Interstellar,” “Insomnia,” and “Inception.” Leading up to “Thor: Ragnarok,” I reviewed “Thor” and “Thor: The Dark World.” And leading up to Tom Cruise’s “American Made,” I reviewed a trio of Tom Cruise films. Those films included “The Last Samurai,” “Risky Business,” and “The Firm.” Speaking of movies, I’ve done reviews for trailers. I’ve reviewed trailers if something about them stands out or if I’m just interested in the movie the trailer is for. Heck, my first ever review, actually, believe it or not, posted on this site, was a trailer review! It’s not just movies that have been a highlight to me here. I’ve also had the pleasure of documenting my time at a couple of conventions. I go into detail about people I meet, activities I do, and items I brought home. When I couldn’t do either one of those things, I just randomly searched for movie news that I thought I could tackle in an effective manner and happened to be relevant. These can be found in such posts called “Alamo Drafthouse is Doing Screenings for “Wonder Woman” That Only Allow Female Audiences,” “The Matrix is Getting Remade: How is This Happening?!,” and “What the Heck is Up with Justice League (2017)?” I put a good amount of detail into these sorts of posts and I feel proud of them. Another set of posts I’ve done is my countdowns. When I did these, I figured I’d just focus on my best and worst movies of the year because a number of reviewers actually make this their tradition and I thought I’d join in on that. I had fun making those, and I really had no idea that in the future that I’d do countdowns on other random topics. Such topics include my favorite “Family Guy” episodes, my favorite Marvel Cinematic Universe films, my least favorite movie cliches, and my least favorite changes made to the original “Star Wars” trilogy. Like my other posts, I try to put a substantial amount of detail into my countdowns, and I think a number of them, if not all of them, have held up really well over time. Would I say all of my posts held up well? Not really. It’s not to say that some of my posts sucked more than anything that’s sucked before, I put a good amount of effort into all of them and it’s easy to say that the easiness of blogging partially came from experience. When you’re still developing your formula, you might not realize how clunky some of your posts can be. Nevertheless, we’re not here to focus on the bad, we’re here to focus on the good! And no, we’re not focusing on the ugly.
If you are a hardcore fan of “Supernatural,” “Seinfeld,” “The Simpsons,” “Malcom in the Middle,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” “Friends,” “Cheers,” shows like those, and by that I mean you’ve seen every single episode, you may recall at least episode being a clip show. For those of you who don’t know what a clip show is, these are when previously shown clips from a TV series are all shown in a single compilation. This often may just be characters remembering “past events,” an attempt to get people to rewatch their favorite moments before their show ends, or something that’s done just to keep a show’s budget in shape. Today, you’re about to witness the blog version of a clip show. This is going to be a bunch of my personal favorite quotes from my blogging career. There is no particular order, but these are all personally interesting to me. So without further ado, let’s get going.
“As mentioned, the romance did feel like a somewhat fantastical Hollywood romance, although in a way, I was able to buy into it, and it didn’t really bother me. In fact, one example is when the two are talking with each other and having a conversation related to music. Yeah, they were talking about songs that have their names in it, so they’re basically referring to these as “Debora songs” and “Baby songs.” Also on a little sidenote, I would like to thank everyone behind this movie for not putting Justin Bieber’s “Baby” into the movie. I probably would have walked out if that were the case. I mean, there’s a reason why the music video for it has so many dislikes on YouTube.” –Baby Driver (2017): A Mix of La La Land, Guardians of the Galaxy, and Fast & Furious
“Now, let’s get into two topics meshed together. Asia and… CONTROVERSY! What does that mean? We’re gonna be talking about North Korea. Haha, just kidding, we’re gonna be talking about Japan. What about Japan? The atomic bomb droppings at the end of World War II. Haha, just kidding again, although we are bringing Japan into this.” –Ghost in the Shell (2017): Pretty but Uninteresting
“Some dumbasses watched some animations and said “Oh yeah, that was the s*it!,” and thought “Let’s try to recreate those, but with Emojis!” So they went to Sony Pictures Animation and suggested this s*itshow of an idea to them and Sony Pictures Animation told them, “Welcome aboard! Time to capitalize on the name “Emoji!” Who cares if it’s s*it? We decided that “The Angry Birds Movie” was a good idea so let’s become known as the phone movie gods!” My response to that is, thanks Sony Animation! Thanks for being a bunch of f*cking twerps that don’t understand the concepts of art and storytelling (flips two birds)!” –The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)
“Think of it this way. If a woman said the male gender doesn’t deserve International Men’s Day, imagine what would happen if a man said the female gender don’t deserve International Women’s Day! Also, what if we took away Father’s Day? It would also be fair to take away Mother’s Day. Actually, you know what? A small part of me wants those taken away that way Hallmark has less cash-cows on their hands. By the way, love you mom and dad! We have holidays for food, for f*cking food! National Cheeseburger Day is on September 18! National Lobster Day is on June 15! We even have… a holiday… FOR CROUTONS! CROUTONS! FOR F*CKING CROUTONS! I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP! We, a civilized society, have a holiday, for f*cking croutons! Look it up! I’m not kidding! National Crouton Day! Observed on May 13th! EVERY F*CKING YEAR! I mean, people like croutons. So… I better let them have their day.” –International Men’s Day: Is This Holiday Worth Celebrating?
“The Girl on the Train” is the movie adaptation based on Paula Hawkins’s bestselling novel of the same name. This movie is directed by Tate Taylor who also directed “The Help”, and stars Emily Blunt as a woman who commutes on a train every day and when she is on the train she looks out the window and sees whatever it is that people are up to. In my world that’s called stalking. –The Girl on the Train: A Complete “Train”wreck
“This progresses through a good chunk of the movie, at least that’s what I remember, because part of me doesn’t even want to remember this garbage.” –The Girl on the Train: A Complete “Train”wreck
“Is my life ruined? No. But it could be in the future if this movie gets remade into some cash grab which is the movie equivalent to getting hit in the head with a volleyball, getting hit in the nipples with one baseball per nipple, getting hit in the stomach with a football, and getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, WITH EACH ONE OF THOSE THINGS HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME! It’s probably gonna be embarrassing and painful to go through, and once it’s over, I’ll probably feel pretty f*cked up. Just… why?! OK, rant over. I’m done. Now somebody hand me my paycheck of $0.” –The Matrix is Getting Remade?! Why is This Happening?!
“As mentioned earlier, almost everyone who attended the Golden Globes wore black. When it comes to the people who didn’t, one standout is Blanca Blanco. Yes, that’s her real name. Blanca Blanco is an actress who appeared in movies such as “Teen Star Academy” and “Fake News.” So in other words, you probably don’t care about what she’s done career-wise. Blanco showed up to the event wearing a red dress, which eventually lead to loads of flak. She made an exclusive statement to Refinery29, an American digital media company whose target audience is young women, and she had this to say:
“I love red. Wearing red does not mean I’m against #timesup movement. I applaud and stand by the courageous actresses that continue to brake the circle of abuse through their actions and their style choice. It is one of many factors leading women to a safer place because of their status in the acting world. I am excited about the ‘Time’s UP’ movement because true change is long overdue.”
By the way, me spelling “brake” is not an error, that’s how Blanco wrote her statement.
Up above is a photo of Blanco in her red dress, and this is when the controversy first started. A number of people think the dress is fine example of stupidity that disgraces the #MeToo movement whereas others think its just a nice looking dress that stands out. I’m on the side that doesn’t exactly care about the dress color. It’s extremely elegant and presentable as a dress, and it doesn’t matter whether its red or black or violet! Although rainbow colors would be a little weird for it according to my imagination. Blanca Blanco is that one person who shows up at the photo studio for a family photo who didn’t wear the same outfit, and I don’t care! By the way, why do outfits always have to match for family photos? That’s so odd! If I ever shown up to an event such as the Golden Globes, I would try to look nice, but in the end, color isn’t something that should necessarily be non-optional for its attendees. You can do it to show your support for a movement, but just because someone doesn’t wear a certain color, it doesn’t mean they don’t support a movement. What was it that Blanca Blanco said in that statement?
“I love red.”
You go girl! Also, what amazes me about this is how women’s rights are still an issue today, and everyone is kind of saying that this woman doesn’t have the right to wear red. By the way, I’ll have Blanca Blanco remind you something.
No red-shaming!” –75th Golden Globes and Gender Equality: What Does It Equal?
“We soon see Kylo Ren again, he’s in an elevator, and he’s doing what he does best, complaining.” –Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017) OFFICIAL TRAILER: Lightsabers! Space Battles! Training! …Possible Ripoff…
“It’s not often that you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend status and talk about bonds in the bank twice in a short period of time. I mean, heck, I can’t recall many times in my life where I hear people talk about bonds in any sort of perspective! Unless we’re talking about possibly Daniel Craig, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, David Niven, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, Barry Nelson, or George Lazenby.” –Risky Business (1983): There Is No Substitute
“Let’s also just get something out of the way… (sigh) I’m white.” –Black Panther (2018): Is the Revolution Worth the Hype?
“Either take a break from this review and click the link, continue on and come back once you’re finished with the review, or if you hate reading, don’t click it at all. Also, if you hate reading, what are you doing here? YOU’RE LITERALLY READING THIS! Go do something else! You know, unless this is your punishment and you hate reading!” –Black Panther (2018): Is the Revolution Worth the Hype?
“Also, regarding that article, no matter what your views are, why would you rate a movie before you see it? Did I give “The Emoji Movie” a 1/10 on this blog or IMDb without even taking a look at it for myself? Nope! I went to the theater, paid $5.99 at the ticket line, which is ultimately money I was robbed of, and then I destroyed every last trace of life it had!” –Black Panther (2018): Is the Revolution Worth the Hype?
“Now, I gotta become Mr. Movie Reviewing Moron, and tell you some things I found wrong with the movie. Wait a minute, I’m missing something. I’ll be right back.
*MAKES TRIP TO MEN’S WEARHOUSE, BUYS EXPENSIVE CLOTHING, RETURNS HOME, REMOVES GREY RALPH LAUREN SWEATSHIRT, BLACK “YOU’RE NOT GROOT” (FEATURING WHITE TEXT) T-SHIRT, BLACK (WITH WHITE STRIPES) ADIDAS SWEATPANTS, BLACK SKECHERS AIR-COOLED CLASSIC FIT MEMORY FOAM SHOES, AND ’47 GREY AND WHITE BOSTON RED SOX SOCKS, SOME HINTS OF BLACK ARE FEATURED TOO, INCLUDING THE COLOR OF THE RED SOX LOGO. PUTS ON WHITE DRESS SHIRT, BLACK SUIT, BLACK TIE, MATCHING DRESS PANTS, BLACK SOCKS, AND BLACK LEATHER SHOES, I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE BRAND NAMES FOR THOSE FOUR RECENTLY MENTIONED PRODUCTS, USE YOUR IMAGINATION. USE OF IMAGINATION IS SOMETHING I’M TRYING TO PROMOTE, SO UTILIZE IT!*
Alright, I’m back. Let’s get cracking.” –Black Panther (2018): Is the Revolution Worth the Hype?
“This film also contains what may qualify as the most forced kiss in cinematic history.
Enough said.” –Black Panther (2018): Is the Revolution Worth the Hype?
“Before we go any further, I’m just gonna give a little information towards the reality of this movie. The movie just came out, there are some films that maybe some people would care about that others wouldn’t, and there are also films that people just don’t care about at all. As far as I’m aware, a significant portion of the world’s population cares about “The Last Jedi.” So let me have everyone know, for the sake of the world’s population, this review is SPOILER-FREE for those who haven’t gotten a chance to see this film yet. If I spoil anything in the movie, perhaps regardless of whether I warn anyone or not, the Internet, and by that I mean pretty much the ENTIRE INTERNET will want to kill me.” –Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017): Another Year, Another Star Wars Movie
“She was raised by the character of Thanos, which if you are unfamiliar with Marvel, Thanos is basically the winner of the purple dickhead contest.” –Guardians of the Galaxy (2014): Marvel’s Best “A-Holes”
“You may already be aware of these two characters being the daughters of Thanos, which you’re unfamiliar with Marvel…
he’s basically the result of Barney the Dinosaur getting killed and getting reincarnated as a dick with a minor eating disorder.” –Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017): Return of the A-Holes (PLUS UPDATE ON POST-CREDITS RUMORS)
“We then see Thanos exit the portal. Who is Thanos? If you’re unfamiliar with Marvel…
He’s basically the Marvel villain equivalent of that one kid who stole your candy on Halloween, only he’s not wearing a poorly realized Barney the Dinosaur costume.” –Avengers: Infinity War (2017) Official Trailer: Revived Hope For Marvel Studios?
“One key difference between this (Dunkirk) and other war films like “Saving Private Ryan” is that you don’t really take any time to get to know any of the characters. The whole movie is essentially one giant action sequence, which is what war is. There’s no sitting down for breaks! There’s no talking with others for fun! There’s no looking at the camera to tell how important you are to an audience! There’s no crying in baseball! Actually, take out that last one. THIS IS WAR!” –Top 10 BEST Movies of 2017
“Although that’s the thing, the movie does its job, but when it does its job, it doesn’t feel natural, it feels more like a cartoon or a simulator that is called a simulator but in reality, it “over simulates.” The past movies did this too, and I’m going to use the first one as an example here. This worked in the first Sharknado because I felt more connected to the characters (I’m surprised to even say that) despite not having a good knowledge who any of them were, or their names. Not to mention with all the CGI, science is thrown out the window (I KNOW, NOT THE FIRST TIME). I saw a shark coming out of a tornado and falling into water. Based on how high the shark was in that moment, and the force of the tornado, the shark’s fall I saw there was too quick. I can imagine some people would like this, but not me. It felt like it was going to give me a headache. During the first tornado scene, I saw a car spinning on the road doing multiple 360 spins and all of a sudden the car stops in the middle of the road. I don’t have the scene in front of me like the previous one mentioned, but with the amount of time between each 360 is complete, the car wouldn’t stop spinning as fast as it did. There’s more in the movie, but I don’t want to waste time.” –Sharknado 4: The Fourth Awakens: May the Absurdity Be With You
“I honestly don’t know what else to say except that this movie features the most annoyingly obvious product placement for Xfinity I’ve ever seen. It becomes more annoying because I saw Xfinity commercials TWICE per break during the premiere of this film. Other than that, there’s not much else. This movie tries to be so bad that it’s good, but as far as it goes, it never even reached that level.” –Sharknado 4: The Fourth Awakens: May the Absurdity Be With You
“Speaking of terrible films such as “The Emoji Movie,” we’re actually going to talk about it. Not about the movie, not about its poor reception, not about how it’s an abomination against humanity and how it literally is a disgrace for solely existing, we’re gonna talk about one specific moviegoer who, let’s just say, “had some fun” at “The Emoji Movie.” I can’t freaking believe I’m saying that!” –Man Arrested For Pleasuring Himself at a Showing of The Emoji Movie *CHILDREN MAY READ AT THEIR OWN RISK*
“There are multiple things that happen that very rarely take place, or might even occur only once, and remain that way. There’s only one time the Arizona Diamondbacks won the World Series, not to mention there’s only one time they even made it to the World Series at all. Jimmy Carter served as the US president for only one term. The TV show “Firefly,” which is now beyond revered among the nerd community, only lasted for one season on FOX. Multiple things seem to happen only once, and never again. Masturbating in movie theaters IS NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS.” –Man Arrested For Pleasuring Himself at a Showing of The Emoji Movie *CHILDREN MAY READ AT THEIR OWN RISK*
“Another fellow who was once caught masturbating in a movie theater goes by the name of Paul Reubens, to some of you, this name might sound familiar. If it does, chances are you may know him as Pee-Wee Herman in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure” and as Lock in “The Nightmare Before Christmas.” Between the releases of both pieces of work, Paul Reubens went to an adult theater in 1991, where he too was caught masturbating. He defended himself overtime in an interview to Playboy, but people still recall his arrest. So yeah, Paul had a hell of time with his pee-wee.” –Man Arrested For Pleasuring Himself at a Showing of The Emoji Movie *CHILDREN MAY READ AT THEIR OWN RISK*
“…perhaps he could have purchased a Playboy Magazine beforehand! But apparently that wasn’t the best idea for him. So instead of buying a magazine from Playboy that could have made him avoid this incident, he attended an interview by Playboy which partially involved this incident.” –Man Arrested For Pleasuring Himself at a Showing of The Emoji Movie *CHILDREN MAY READ AT THEIR OWN RISK*
“It almost felt like Sony Animation or someone else behind this film thought about contacting a bunch of companies who make apps and say “Hey, you want to be in our s*itf*ck in the ass?” and they somehow put them all in there so they can just make s*itloads of money!” –The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)
““The Emoji Movie” is nothing but a rip off of better animations, a s*itty idea which became a s*itty movie, and a poorly written, anger-inducing f*ckpile of a film created by a bunch of c*cksucking jackasses that just want to capitialize on a trend! If this movie makes enough money, there’s a slight chance that some motherf*cker might make a “Fidget Spinner” movie! I have a good idea for one, but we DON’T NEED ONE! If you bring your family to this film, you’d all probably be bored. If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend to this film, they’ll dump you. If you bring your husband or wife to this film, they’ll divorce you. If you bring your best friend to this film, they’ll call the friendship off. If you bring your boss to this movie, they’ll fire you. If you bring a celebrity or someone like that whom you admire because they like you well enough and want to hang out with you, they’ll need a restraining order in order to protect themselves from you. “The Emoji Movie” is a quality example of a s*itty Hollywood movie that f*cks up people’s minds and makes them all explode. I’m gonna give “The Emoji Movie” a Sir Patrick Stewart/10, which can translate to 💩/🔟 if you speak Emoji, which can also mean s*it/10, although if you’re a kid it would be better for you to say poop/10, which in plain English, comes out to 1/10. There’s no reason for this movie to exist, I’ve only seen a few movies in my life that are worse than this damn pile of holy s*itness. I would probably much rather go back in time and f*ck Adolf Hitler in the ass than watch this movie again. Also for the record, I’m heterosexual so that makes it extra embarrassing.” –The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)
“This current year is 2018, let’s take a look at the list of movies that have been revealed to have been shot in actual 3D.
- Mission: Impossible: Fallout
There you go! That’s the whole list!” –The Secret to 3D Movies You May Have Never Known (Post-Conversion)
“If you have seen some of the trailers of this movie, you’d probably already know that Darth Vader is in the movie. As you may already know, according to who knows how many people, Darth Vader may be the most iconic and perhaps the greatest villain in all of cinematic history. So you’re like me you probably hoped he would be up to his full potential in this movie. How is he in this movie? Well, he’s OK. Not too great, not too bad, just OK. That’s all I’m gonna say.
What the heck am I saying?! THIS GUY WAS AWESOME!” –Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: A Movie Built On Hope
“Before we get into other guests, I have a story that occurred during the con that quite honestly, will make you slap your knee harder than whenever a bitch slap occurs. So I was looking for a certain guest, and I run into this man, the man you see in the five photos above alongside me. That man is David Garrison. I don’t see anything on his table worth signing, but I notice the price for a posed photo, which happened to be $20, so I’m just going, OK, I’ll do that. I take my camera out, I give it to a guy sitting next to David, the guy is then referred to by David as a “great photographer.” The camera I was using happened to be a Samsung ST150F, which I don’t think is a bad camera for the money, but it’s by no means anything professional. I pointed out that unfortunately the camera he was using was probably not the greatest, I had more professional cameras in my mind. I tried to be humorous, calling the device “a camera that looks like something traditionally used by soccer moms.” We took five shots, then I headed away from David. Only thing is, when I headed off, I had no idea what I was in for. There was another guest two seats away from David, it’s Ted McGinley.
The placement which was just recently described makes sense, because Ted McGinley, like David, happens to be from “Married With Children.” I actually walked up to him and I had something to say. “You say that guy (David)? I thought you were him.” I even told him “I took five photos! I paid $20!” Ted responded to me saying that he was in a similar situation when he was signing autographs for people while getting off a bus and someone asked what this was. They thought McGinley was someone else. My memory remembers him saying “George Michael” or something like that. Although it could have been David because he said he’d rub this story in David’s face if I had that worded correctly. Although when we were taking a photo I said “screw George.” Before we did that, we high-fived each other. Just a little fact about Ted, he’s known for playing Stan Gable in “Revenge of the Nerds.” When I was talking to David, I was unaware of the embarrassing situation, but he said “See you on the reruns,” obviously referring to “Married With Children” as I was walking away from him. I don’t think he quite made out what I said, but I replied back saying “And the “Nerds” movies.”
F*CK. ME.” –Rhode Island Comic Con 2017 Review and Haul
“Holy moly, I cannot believe I’ve written this much about a movie. Worth it. If you made it to the end of this review, you’ve earned yourself a pat on the back, thanks for wasting your time watching a moron talk about a movie like this.” –Spider-Man 2: Best Superhero Movie To Date? *SPOILERS FOR THIS MOVIE AND SPIDER-MAN 1*
“In 2003, the film (Revenge of the Nerds) was put out on DVD, but with a reedit brought to the mix. There’s a “For Rent” sign in the movie which had a genuine phone number on it. For legal reasons, the footage where the phone number was displayed was removed. Note, I didn’t say blurred, but removed. I have never seen the footage of where the phone number is revealed and as I write this, I’m looking at originaltrilogy.com, where a bunch of users are talking about this change and a couple of them called it “jarring.” I will have to watch the original cut in order to agree or disagree, but if you really want to make everyone happy, just blur the phone number. Also to everyone, please don’t call the phone number. Don’t be a dick.” –10 Movies That Have Changes You May or May Not Have Noticed
“Turns out there was a trailer for a comedy that was supposed to release in January of this year, AKA this exact film, and at the end, we see a title card with the word “Bastards.” The name does make sense considering the technical definition for a bastard is a child whose birthparents weren’t married at the time of the child’s birth, which is true to the twins in the movie. Although I’m willing to bet they changed the name to “Father Figures” because to some people it might be weird walking around and talking about a movie called “Bastards” since the word is associated with vulgarity. Who’s they? I don’t know. I’m willing to bet it’s either the director or the studio, one of those two. Nevertheless, I think this movie shouldn’t have been called “Father Figures.” I don’t even think it should be called “Bastards.” You know what it should be called? “Bastard.” Just “Bastard.” And that’s because this movie felt like a total bastard! This is probably the worst comedy I’ve seen all year! This movie brought almost two hours of inglorious bastardization into my life!
I would like to take a second to apologize to Quentin Tarantino, I just probably ingloriously bastardized him if you know what I mean.” –Father Figures (2017): A Very Bastardizing Film
““The Founder” is directed by John Lee Hancock, who also directed films such as “The Blind Side” and “Saving Mr. Banks,” and stars Michael Keaton, Nick Offerman, and John Carroll Lynch in a film about how McDonald’s came to be. You know, that fast food chain that people either go to for their Big Macs, their fries, their McNuggets, the McRib whenever it comes back to haunt everyone, or it can simply be called one of those places people visit just to use the bathroom on a very long road trip.” –The Founder (2016): A McMovie *SPOILERS*
“If there are any improvements that I would like to witness out of this experience, it’s the ticket price. It is way too much for one person to handle. Sure you get a lot out of the experience, but there are some people who can get seizures or motion sickness from something like this, also who wants to pay $20 for a movie ticket?! If you’re Donald Trump you might as well come here any time you want, however if you’re a regular Joe than I recommend you come in moderation. Although everything else is superb.” –My First MX4D Experience
““The Room” is a film from the early 2000s, it is directed by Tommy Wiseau, who also wrote the film, and played the lead character of Johnny. The plot of the film is that Johnny is a successful banker living in San Francisco with his fiancee, Lisa. However, Lisa eventually is unsatisfied with Johnny and decides to seduce Johnny’s best friend, Mark. The concept of this film is pretty simple, however, many viewers found this film’s unintentional humor to be spinning in a wheel of complexity. And it probably gave the idea to many people, when they see a movie with the word “room” as such a defining part of the title, it would probably be bad.
Oh yeah, this happened during the following decade.” –The Disaster Artist (2017): THIS IS ACTUALLY BEING MADE! WOO! (Plus Teaser Review)
“This next movie is Goldie Hawn’s return to the big screen. Having seen this film, she should have waited just a bit longer. After seeing “Snatched,” I can confirm it is complete and total s*it.” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2017
“There are some films that are funny such as “The Hangover,” some that try to be funny but fail such as “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb,” and then there are those that give you the illusion that you just died, you entered Hell, and it’s the Devil that’s torturing you. Case and point, “How to Be a Latin Lover.” Woooow. If “Snatched” is complete and total s*it, then “How to Be a Latin Lover” is complete and total birds*it.” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2017
“If “Snatched” is complete and total s*it, and “How to Be a Latin Lover” is complete and total birds*it, then “Father Figures” is the biggest piece of dogs*it of all time! Imagine you’re tied to a chair, a dog is magically floating over your head, and said dog is taking a dump in your mouth for almost two hours. That would be irritating, right?” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2017
“The runtime is 2 hours and 34 minutes long, I’ve witnessed longer films that are better than this, also to be fair I witnessed longer films that are worse than this. As someone who hasn’t read the book, this makes me kinda curious, why is the movie this long? I did a Google search and I found out that the book is 412 pages long, and part of me wonders how much of this movie was taken from the book. Was everything taken from the book? Was everything that was considered “necessary” taken from the book while other stuff was left behind? I kind of want to know. Although with school and everything I don’t really have much time to sit down and read right now, not to mention, movies are more fun! Sorry, books!” –The Firm (1993): Life’s a Mitch
“Inside Wonka’s factory, there were tons of areas to explore. One in particular being the chocolate room. To this day, that set still dazzles me. It’s large, feels like a real place despite how glossy it is, and it just sucks you in and makes you become Veruca Salt and say something like “I want a choclate room! I want a chocolate waterfall! I want eatable grass! I want it now!”” –Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: Full of “Pure Imagination!”
“The f*cking movie known as “The Wall” is f*cking directed by the motherf*cker known as Doug f*cking Liman (The Bourne Identity, Jumper), stars Aaron f*cking Taylor-Johnson (Godzilla, Nocturnal Animals) and f*cking John Cena (American Grit, Trainwreck), and is f*cking about two American f*cking soldiers, there’s a lethal f*cker, err I mean sniper that is standing in their f*cking way, but the two are divided by a f*cking wall. …Now I could make a f*cking paragraph, illustrating my motherf*cking point that the movie is full of f*cking language, especially f*cking f-bombs that are f*cking shoved down your throat as f*ck. To be extra clear, this paragraph had fifteen f-bombs. “The Wall” had more, in fact, the exact total came out to 185 in the whole movie. Can you f*cking believe that?! And there’s sixteen!” –The Wall (2017): Wait, Where’s John Cena? *STRONG LANGUAGE IN OPENING PARAGRAPH*
““La La Land” is directed by–
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Excuse me, Jack?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Why are you reviewing “La La Land?”
ME: Because you told me to.
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: You already did that review.
ME: Oh yeah, right. No wonder I felt like I was watching something I saw before. Why did you tell me to review La La Land?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: A card said so.
ME: A card?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Yes, a card.
ME: You’re joking.
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Nope, not at all.
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Wait! Wait! Hold the phone! The review was supposed to be for Moonlight!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Yes! This voice you’re talking to must have read the wrong card!
ME: What the f*ck are you talking about?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: Yeah, what the f*ck are you talking about?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Another voice must have handed you the wrong card! I guess that voice was “too busy” trying to finish some pointless tweet instead of doing its job!
ME: Moonlight card wielder? Couldn’t you have just told me to review Moonlight?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: It wasn’t my turn to determine your reviews today!
ME: Since when do you take turns at something like this?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Like, literally, since now, I came up with it a couple nights ago while you were asleep. I guess we won’t be doing this anymore.
ME: No kidding, that was a f*ck-up. Now if you could please be quiet and let me do my review.
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: You have to see the movie first.
ME: Oh for Pete’s sake! There goes my time to get the new Zelda game that just came out a week ago!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: That’s an incredible waste of money, you don’t have a Nintendo Switch.
ME: It’s out for the Wii U goddammit!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Relax Jack, I didn’t know.
ME: Alright, the show must go on. *Moves away from keyboard*
AFTER ONE VIEWING OF MOONLIGHT
ME: *Arrives back at keyboard* Alright, let’s just do a couple things here… *Starts new post* Ba-bam! It’s review time!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: *Interruptedly* Jack?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: You weren’t supposed to review Moonlight today.
ME: Goddammit! What the hell are you talking about?!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: You were supposed to review “Fifty Shades Darker.”
ME: You’re f*cking kidding me! That piece of crap?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: How would you know? You haven’t seen it.
ME: Actually that’s a good point. But still, don’t make me want to see that! If you want me to review another movie that I was SUPPOSED to review, it better have been something like “Kong: Skull Island” and not this uninspired clusterf*ck! So stop this game!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD: It’s not a game, it’s reality.
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Relax now, the guy’s only kidding.
ME: Is THAT a joke?
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: No!
ME: Ah, thank goodness!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: Now start your review, you’re wasting time!
ME: Tell that to the voice who was making me waste it!
VOICE INSIDE HEAD #2: OK, calm down! Just go on with the review.
ME: As you wish. Alrighty then, let’s continue.” -Moonlight: A Coming of “Gay”ge Story
“A month ago, I thought to myself, “What the heck is up with ‘Justice League,’” AKA the new DC movie that just came out. So I did some thinking, and went on to do some research to further realize what the heck is up with “Justice League.” That then lead me to filling a post titled “What the Heck is Up with Justice League?,” where I explain in detail, what the heck is up with “Justice League.”” –Disney Buys a Portion of 21st Century Fox for $52.4 Million: The Foxiest Place On Earth
“Plus, you gotta consider, Marvel’s owned by Disney, the creator of Scrooge McDuck, and as of now, a literal Scrooge McDuck.” –What the Heck is Up with Justice League (2017)?
This movie is not exactly the end of the world, but it is lacking professionalism. Yes, you have a very experienced director helming it all, but you have a multiple actors who are playing themselves. Sure, this movie has its fair share of big names such as Judy Greer and Jenna Fischer, but this also has a screenwriter that hasn’t really done much of anything. Sure, experience doesn’t always equal skill, although it doesn’t change the fact that the level of skill put into this film wasn’t completely visible. Maybe the main trio wanted to play themselves for authenticity, but you have to consider, how skilled are they? They weren’t terrible in this movie, but their acting ability happened to be at a low level of some sort.
Some of you might be thinking, “Hey! Jackass! You’re forgetting about such instances like when Kumail Nanjiani played himself in ‘The Big Sick!’”
I didn’t. You’re missing the point.
You see, Kumail’s a f*cking actor.” –The 15:17 to Paris (2018): Don’t Always Be Yourself
“I mentioned the Ecto-1 license plate from the original “Ghostbusters,” but they also have the Ecto-1 license specifically from “Ghostbusters II” and the one from “Ghostbusters” 2016, or as I like to call it, “Ghostf*ckers” 2016, because the people behind this film f*cked it up so much and may have f*cked up what was so good about the 1984 “Ghostbusters.” OK, that actually sounds like a terrible nickname because that almost sounds like a porno, let’s go with “Ghostsuckers” 2016, because the movie sucks so much that it shouldn’t have been made or even thought of to begin with. Oh wait a darn minute! Sucking is what some people do during sex to a penis! Gah!” –Terrificon 2017 Review and Haul
“Now as far as casting anyone that is a different race than what would be expected for a certain character, is a con for me before going into a movie and I don’t care if it involves whitewashing or not. Although I will say, in general, Johanson does a fine job as Major, and if there were any white people to cast as this character, Johanson, looking back, would definitely had been a good pick.
Now I know what some of you might be thinking, “Jack, what the hell is wrong with you? Is your brain wired incorrectly? You’re only saying this because you think Scarlett is hot!” To answer that possible thought, I will say, yes, she is hot. I even point that out, maybe a little more times than necessary during my countdown of my 10 favorite Marvel Cinematic Universe films (link down below if you want to check it out). However, that’s not necessarily why I approve of this casting choice.” –Ghost in the Shell (2017): Pretty But Uninteresting
“This movie also introduces Natalie Rushman, AKA Black Widow, played by Scarlett Johanson, who is one of my favorite actresses working today. I like her for her rather deep voice, how she displays herself in action scenes, the serious vibe she gives off, and I’LL JUST GET TO THE POINT! SHE’S F*CKING HOT!” –Top 10 BEST Marvel Cinematic Universe Films *SPOILERS*
“…and you’ve even got Scarlett Johanson returning as Black Widow, and she’s a badass once again. There’s one scene that really intrigued me which had her character tied to a chair, and… yeah, screw it, I’m leaving this here.
I’m sorry but I can’t resist, I’m a 17 year old boy, this is who I am. It’s like a teen girl constantly putting pictures of their favorite boy band on Tumblr or something, is that what the kids are using now? I dunno. It’s natural. (Laughs uncontrollably)” –Top 10 BEST Marvel Cinematic Universe Films *SPOILERS*
“At #4 we have the first movie I saw on its opening Thursday night, “Captain America: The Winter Soldier.” When I was going into this movie, I honestly had no idea what to expect, I saw MCU movies before, but I missed “Captain America: The First Avenger,” which by the way, is not on this list. I did see it, I just didn’t think it was as enjoyable as the other MCU movies. Also, before we go anywhere else with this film, I’ll start here…
Yeah, I’m leaving this here, I am who I am. OK, where were we?” –Top 10 BEST Marvel Cinematic Universe Films *SPOILERS*
“Guys, this movie deserves my #1 pick, it is the most unique film in the MCU, it’s a good popcorn movie, not to mention it’s a movie that makes you think and intrigues you to do so, and it’s also just plain fun at the same time! That’s it, I’m done. I think I talked about everything. …Wait a minute, I didn’t. BLACK WIDOW’S IN THIS MOVIE!
(Laughs for a few seconds almost as if it is happening in shame) Why do I do this to myself? I don’t know, I kinda have a crush on Scarlett Johanson, what else can I say?” –Top 10 BEST Marvel Cinematic Universe Films *SPOILERS*
“Once the case concluded, San Diego Comic-Con International released the following statement which I happened to find in an article for FOX 13 Salt Lake City:
“San Diego Comic Convention has used the Comic-Con trademarks in connection with our comics and popular arts conventions for almost 50 years. We have invested substantial time, talent and resources in our brand resulting in world-wide recognition of the Comic-Con convention held annually in San Diego. The jury today upheld San Diego Comic Convention’s trademarks as valid. The jury also found that Dan Farr Productions, Daniel Farr and Bryan Brandenburg each infringed San Diego Comic Convention’s marks. San Diego Comic Convention respects the decision of the jury. From the beginning all that we asked of the defendants was to stop using our Comic-Con trademarks. Today we obtained a verdict that will allow us to achieve this. For that we are grateful.”
Let’s dissect this from each important point. First, they point out that they “used the Comic-Con trademarks,” which I’ll mention once again, is used on tons of other conventions, which leads me to a serious question. Wanna trade? Oops, sorry, I mean, when did you f*cking trademark the term?! Next, let’s talk about the jury’s decision to verify the “comic-con” trademark as valid. Who was in this jury? Was it people who have only been to San Diego Comic-Con and not other conventions? Was it a bunch of jocks who have never gone to a con? Was Mike Pence in that jury? Was Casper the Friendly Ghost in that jury? Was Mr. Burns from “The Simpsons” in that jury? Was Ogre from “Revenge of the Nerds” in that jury? I don’t know if it was all nerds, in fact, based on the results, I don’t think that would have been possible, because I talk to nerds on Thursday nights and we were discussing this legal battle, they thought comic con is a term used in so many conventions now that it’s absolutely pointless for San Diego to do what they’re doing. One of the last parts of the statement contained this: “all that we asked of the defendants was to stop using our Comic-Con trademarks.” Sure, maybe in one way that’s not asking a lot, because it was a simple request, but following up on that request is an absolute impossibility in all reality. It’s almost like saying, despite being a convention that has similarities to San Diego, not to mention just about ANY comic book convention that has ever existed, it can have a name that a high fraction of these types of conventions use. Also, my biggest question is this: If San Diego is so upset about their f*cking trademarks being used by someone else, why are they so concerned about Salt Lake? Not to mention, Salt Lake isn’t completely identical to San Diego in terms of their trademark. Note the difference: San Diego Comic-Con and Salt Like Comic Con. Can’t see it? San Diego has a dash, Salt Lake doesn’t. Let’s also observe the last sentence concerning San Diego’s response to the verdict: “For that we are grateful.” Allow me to respond with eloquence…
OK good, this thing’s on.
F*ck you!” –Salt Lake Comic Con Violated Copyright Law For Using “COMIC CON” *FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD*
“I love conventions, I love nerdy things, I love sci-fi, superheroes, fantasy, all that stuff, but I’m not sure I’m loving San Diego Comic-Con as much as I once was, which leads me to this…
San Diego Comic-Con, why do they call you a con? Oh yeah, because you’re a f*cking cheap con! You know what? After my experience of watching “Anchorman,” I’d say Ron Burgundy was right about the origin of San Diego, let’s change your name to A Whale’s Vagina Comic-Con! It almost seems that this naming fiasco has you out of line, but don’t worry, if there actually is a line in this circumstance, I’m sure it’s not as long as any of the lines during your convention! Also, I’ll remind you to get back in line, and once you do, there’s no cutting allowed, you already did that to Salt Lake Comic Con’s name! I wonder what’s next for you and changing things around, perhaps making certain celebrities not show up because they may have heard about the name situation and they disagree with the final verdict? Well I guess that means we have our next “Star Wars” movie! San Diego Comic-Con, I’m a huge nerd, I have been all my life. All I want to do is make things the best they can be, and to do that I have to sometimes be tough, so if you think you can exclude me from your convention in the future just because I said some stuff you might find to be harsh, I’m sorry, you can’t do that “without permission.” Whose permission you ask? My f*cking permission, you morons!” –Salt Lake Comic Con Violated Copyright Law For Using “COMIC CON” *FOUL LANGUAGE AHEAD*
“I bet you’re asking, “Jack! What the f*ck are you doing?! This movie has no potential! Why are you seeing this?!” My answer to you is, I don’t know. Going in, I expected this movie to make me want to kill myself.” –The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)
“The parents of Meh are referred to as Mel Meh (Steven Wright) and Mary Meh (Jennifer Coolidge), and they serve their purpose. They’re there when they need to be, but my biggest problem with them is that maybe they’re in the movie a little too much. OUT OF THE MOTHERF*CKING BLUE, some subplot comes up that has to do with them separating, which basically does nothing for the film as a whole! You may as well consider this the opposite of “Seinfeld” because “Seinfeld” is a show about nothing and yet it turned out to be something, and here, you get something, but it turns out to be nothing! By the way, there’s a f*cking “Casablanca” reference thrown in somewhere into this subplot. THIS MOVIE TRIED TO REFERENCE “CASABLANCA!” A critically acclaimed, black and white film, was referenced, in this movie!” –The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)
“Movies based on Emojis is probably, on paper, one of the dumbest concepts I’ve heard for a movie, AND IT GOT GREENLIT! AND RELEASED! IN THEATERS! IN REAL-D 3D! Just be glad Christopher Nolan’s “Dunkirk” came out last week or else this would receive a greater chance of being an IMAX movie!” –The Emoji Movie Scores 0% on Rotten Tomatoes: IS IT REALLY THAT SHOCKING?!
“There was also that cliche I really hate because it’s something that I always see coming, which is when someone randomly falls on the floor for the sake of a laugh. Granted, it wasn’t a fat person, but come on guys! We paid to laugh!” WE DESERVE BETTER. –Fist Fight (2017): Three O’Clock High Focusing on Teachers
“In 1981, a movie known as “Clash of the Titans” was released to the public. The movie provided a fun family adventure for an hour and fifty-eight minutes and received a number of positive verdicts. Since studios love remaking everything, it’s no surprise that “Clash of the Titans” was one of those movies that got the remake treatment. And according to many people, it’s a f*ck-up on S*itshow Valley. Release the Kraken? More like Release the Crapen! Aside from the eye-covering CGI, the one-dimensional characters, and how people see it in comparison to the original film and mythology, this film was despised by critics and audiences for its use of 3D. Perhaps even more hilarious is a marketing tagline used by this movie. The tagline being, “Titans Will Clash.” No. F*cking. S*it. It’s like if “The Emoji Movie” had a tagline that said “This movie will suck, and you’ll hate your life while watching it.” THANKS, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!” –The Secret to 3D Movies You May Have Never Known (Post-Conversion)
“For those of you who are actually reading this post not long after it got published and want to know how you can watch it, I’ve got some news, you can’t. I’m sorry, there is positively no way you’re allowed to watch this, there’s no absolute way you can even hack the system to allow yourself to view this content. I’m sorry, this promotion is completely pointless, and I shouldn’t have done it.
*VOICE IN BACKGROUD*
Wait, what’s that?
It’s not even out yet? What a revelation!
Oops! I mean, what a thing that I previously knew that also happens to be a revelation!” –Annihilation (2018): NOT Now In Theaters Everywhere. Will I See/Review It?
“In fact, I’m gonna give you a little story about my life. I live near a number of shopping centers, and one of them is the Burlington Mall in Burlington, MA, otherwise known as one of the filming locations for the 2009 comedy “Paul Blart: Mall Cop.” Now that mall had some changes over the years, but around the early 2000’s, probably around when I was four or something, I always had a dream that I was going into a mall that basically resembled the Burlington Mall, the floor pattern in the mall, at least on the first floor was different to what it looked like back in the day along with how it looks now. In fact, it almost looks similar to a floor pattern that used to be in Roosevelt Field in Garden City, NY, I never went to that mall, I just know about it. As far as the second story’s floor pattern goes, I can’t exactly tell you if it was similar to how it was before its renovation during the 2000s, but I’m not sure. In fact, if you have ever been inside the Burlington Mall, you might walk towards the center and notice a bank of two scenic elevators, not only did they look different in the dream, they looked different from each other. One of them I recall having a single slide door, as opposed to reality in which case both elevators have two-speed doors, and one of them was something I can’t even describe. Partially because it’s hard to remember to the most supreme detail, and it sounds totally impractical. It was like the size of a trampoline, and you could probably see inside the shaft and it was pretty big. Also, I recall multiple times, I went outside the mall in my dreams and there was a McDonald’s or something, I believe I was at the mall with somebody, probably with a stuffed duck I had and actually still have today, #nostalgia. The voice of the person by my side spoke to me saying the McDonald’s was gonna blow away, and the McDonald’s actually blowing away, or at least the roof, one or the other, is something I remember happening. That popping in my head must have been an effect from watching something on TV as a child which a house blows away. I don’t recall what it was, if you ever seen something on TV which a house blows away, can you please leave a comment as to what it is?” –Inception (2010): Beyond Your Wildest Dreams
“Watching the movie’s climax, I was nearly convinced into thinking that the movie almost didn’t know when it wanted to end based on all of the s*it that was going down. It’s like all the hurricanes we’ve been getting lately. WAIT! THERE’S ANOTHER ONE?! F*CK THIS WORLD!” –Kingsman: The Golden Circle (2017): Manners Maketh Sequel
This movie came out in 2014, it’s based on a book by James Dashner, and one thing I noticed about not only the 2010s decade, but perhaps slightly before this particular decade began, is how many popular young adult teen angst novels were being adapted into movies. Some examples include “Twilight,” “The Hunger Games,” “Harry Potter,” “Percy Jackson,” “The Chronicles of Narnia,” etc. I’ve seen a number of these, and no, “Twilight” wasn’t one of them. Thank goodness! –The Maze Runner (2014): The Continuation of Teen Angst, Starring Dylan O’Brien
“As I got to the Scorch portion of the film, I wanted to take out my phone and do something on there instead of watch the movie. I assure you whatever it was I did on my phone, was ten times as fun as the movie. You might as well say that as we got to the scorch scenes, my mind was instantly “scorched” by Dullivan, the god of boredom.” –Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015): The Continution of Teen Angst, Starring Dylan O’Brien- PART 2, To Be Concluded In 2.5 Years, Also This is WCKD Boring
I can’t even talk about this movie anymore! I honestly want to have more to say, but in the long run, I have to stop here! I’ve been running this maze too long and it’s time to collapse in fetal position! If you think that I’m lazy for not going on, let me just remind you that this movie felt lazy so it all comes together! So yeah, this movie sucked, it was boring, and that’s pretty much the gist of it. Badabing badabang badaboom. –Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015): The Continution of Teen Angst, Starring Dylan O’Brien- PART 2, To Be Concluded In 2.5 Years, Also This is WCKD Boring
“It hasn’t been until recently that I watched the prior two “Maze Runner” installments. After watching both from beginning to end, I have to say I enjoyed the first one, but the second one felt like Melatonin in the form of moving images, which is another way of saying the second movie made me almost fall asleep at times.” –Maze Runner: The Death Cure (2018): The Continuation of Teen Angst, Starring Dylan O’Brien- PART 3, To Be Rebooted Once Hollywood Runs Out of Young Adult Dystopian Books To Base Movies On, Still Better Than Twilight
“One character in this movie goes by the name of Ned Leeds, he was played by Jacob Batalon, and there was a point in this movie where I wanted some sort of technology that existed which could allow me to jump into a movie’s universe. I could go into this one, find Ned, and give him the finger!” –Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017): The Spidey Reboots Continue
“You know what I’m afraid of? Sharks. You know what I’m also afraid of? I’m afraid of the “Sharknado” franchise and what it is doing to the movie-viewers of our world! These movies just keep on coming out even though they just plain suck! Now that we have five of these, I have yet another crapfest to suffer through!” –Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark
“So… it’s come to this. “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” is directed by Anthony Ferrante, who also directed the first four “Sharknado” installments.” –Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark
“I could tell you that this movie is about stupidity and leave at that, but since I attempt to put a lot of effort into my reviews, perhaps more than various films I watch, I’ll dive into the plot. The plot is that the whole shark-tornado phenomenon has gone global. This all starts in the city of London, where our heroes are meeting with NATO, unfortunately for Ian Ziering and Tara Reid’s characters, they lose their son, Gil. Now in order to save him, they must travel into a sharknado (laughs).” –Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark
Want to watch this movie? If you said no, I wouldn’t blame you. Anyway, let’s talk about the characters. That is if, they’re actually characters, to me they’re really just people written, I’m sorry, I mean, SCRIBBLED on a page for the sake of making a so-called story. –Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark
All the other things I remember about her character is that she is basically an 80’s humanoid at one point, and she does all sorts of shark-killing s*it. What else is there to remember? Oh my gosh, I’m GETTING A HEADACHE WHILE WRITING THIS REVIEW! I DON’T THINK I’M KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT! Then again you can’t see me, so, what do I know, what do you know, what does anyone know? –Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark
““Transformers: The Last Knight” is directed by Michael Bay and it is the fifth installment in Michael Bay’s “Transformers” series. I mean… People probably knew this was gonna happen… The last film didn’t get good reviews… But it made a lot of money… (Sigh).” –Transformers: The Last Knight (2017): How Much Must I Explain?! *SPOILERS* (Well, Sort of) (Plus Rant on Aspect Ratios)
“All in all the plot to this film (laughs), is that humans and Transformers are fighting each other.” –Transformers: The Last Knight (2017): How Much Must I Explain?! *SPOILERS* (Well, Sort of) (Plus Rant on Aspect Ratios)
“How was this movie in the very end? Honestly, it was awful. Just simply, awful. I think Michael Caine’s interpretation of Alfred Pennyworth said it best in “The Dark Knight…”
“Some men, just want to watch the world burn.”
I guess after watching this so-called “film” I now realize I’m clearly one of those people. Somebody get me a flamethrower and I’ll begin burning my house down!” –Transformers: The Last Knight (2017): How Much Must I Explain?! *SPOILERS* (Well, Sort of) (Plus Rant on Aspect Ratios)
“I may be biased, but this the seventeenth film in the MCU, not to mention the eleventh distributed by Walt Disney Studios, or as I like to call them, “GIVE US YOUR MONEY TO MAKE REPETITIVE CONTENT! Studios,”” –Thor: Ragnarok (2017): Guardians of Asgard
“This movie is also the return of the strong monster-like Avenger and Jolly Green Giant impersonator, the Hulk.” –Thor: Ragnarok (2017): Guardians of Asgard
“(Sigh) That’s right. This s*it happened. “Transformers: The Last Knight” happened.” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2017
“We’ve reached the bottom of the list folks. We’ve officially broken ground and went under! This is #1! There’s only one word that can describe this movie, and that word, is s*it. In fact, I think it’s very appropriate because this movie actually has a piece of s*it in it. At #1, I give you, the movie I DID NOT WANT TO SEE, but I did anyhow to fulfill the requests of those who wanted me to watch this, and to prove that I’m willing to sit through any movie. My #1 worst movie of 2017 is… “The Emoji Movie.” Remember how I said in my top 10 best list that “Colossal” was jaw-dropping? Well, this is jaw-dropping as well. I dropped my jaw as vomit exited my mouth thinking about this piece of crap. OK, I didn’t do that, but really, what minds thought this movie was a good idea? Well, according to the poster, Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation, and I’d like to give a giant f*ck you to both of them. I know I usually swear on these posts, and I have gotten some criticism for it, but f*ck it, I gotta do what I gotta do. And what I gotta do is say, f*ck this movie!” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2017
“I found out a lot of things about this movie as it went on. For example, I found out the movie’s garbage. I also found out the people who are shrunken down go on and live in a tiny land. Another thing I also found out is that the shrinking was an idea to save the environment and the Earth from overpopulation. What’s another thing I found out? Oh yeah, and I found out the movie’s garbage!” –Downsizing (2017): More Like Upboring
“I never watched “Twilight” and I also never watched “Fifty Shades of Grey”, but based on my knowledge of those films and my experience of watching “The Fifth Wave”, I probably say I’ve seen them now.” –Top 10 WORST Movies of 2016
“When I saw this abomination Sony Pictures Animation calls a trailer, my cringe levels raised to infinity.” –The Emoji Movie: How Is This a Thing?!
“Alex Roe plays a guy named Evan Walker in the movie, and this character is one of the worst characters I’ve ever seen in a movie. This guy is a straight up a-hole, and yet the movie tries to make him look like he’s an important hero. The one thing that I imagine people raving about when it comes to this character is his physique, but since I’m a straight male who just likes good movies, I can’t grab onto that. At one point this character is reading the protagonist’s diary when she’s not alert. It’s revealed later in the movie, and whenever they talk about it in the future, it makes me think of this guy as a creepy stalker more and more. He’s a love interest for the main character which is baffling because to her, there is absolutely nothing she likes about this guy except for his body based on what I can tell from visual storytelling. Based on everything I’m seeing, Nick Robinson is a more likely love interest than this guy! Is this written because of the stereotype that girls like bad boys? If so, I detest it. Great job writers! You’ve made a success in failure! Then again, I’m a boy, these guys are probably trying to appeal to girls, which grows in obviousness considering the main character’s a girl. Like that hasn’t happened in a teen angst film before, especially ones that were originally books.
You know I’m OK with these movies having lots of female leads, it works for them, it’s just something I noticed.” –The Fifth Wave: More Like the Fifth Lame
“Let’s talk about some of the other characters, or the ones that a person such as me wouldn’t give a crap about.” –Independence Day: Resurgence- The Sequel That Goes Noisily Into the Theater
“This is a movie that makes you think a lot about what’s going on, now I’m not stupid, so I am capable of liking this. However it all just so slow that it almost feels like you’re going to school and you are sitting at your desk, wanting to fall asleep, all the while someone like Bill Lumbergh from “Office Space” is giving the dullest lecture imaginable.” –The Girl on the Train: A Complete “Train”wreck
“Oh, yeah, the movie ends, which brought me some good news and some bad news. Let’s start with the good news first, the good news is, yay! The movie’s over! I don’t have to sit through this lunacy anymore!: –The Circle (2017): The Worst Kind of Circle Jerk
“They managed to make her have lots of fear inside her and it worked for her character, but if there were a world where I could actually run into or meet fictional characters, whether it be from a movie, a book, a play, whatever, I wouldn’t hang out with this one. By the way, a world like that already exists, it’s called Comic-Con.” –The Fifth Wave: More Like the Fifth Lame
“As far as 1980s coming of age stories go, this isn’t my goto pick. However, back in the 80s, this was a hit among many people who flock to the cinema. The film was #1 at the box office for nine consecutive weekends, suggesting that either a lot of people either wanted to see it, liked it and went multiple times, or happened to be really horny.” –10 Movies That Have Changes You May or May Not Have Noticed
“The additional nudity was a result of the transfer, and was never intended to be shown. You know, unlike my secret identity–whoops! That was close! I almost told you guys I’m the guy who saved the Golden Gate Bridge from absolute destruction. Oh, crap! I did it! I’m a failure! I was told by a wizard to keep that a secret! Oh, well! Sucks to be me!” –10 Movies That Have Changes You May or May Not Have Noticed
“Going back to headbutts, when this movie was released in several territories, audiences were exposed to a moment where a headbutt occurs. One territory where audiences didn’t get to see this however, was in the UK. Similar to the US’s MPAA, the UK operates under a rating system referred to as the BBFC. The BBFC has a rating labeled as 12A/12, which was the rating “xXx” was given. If the headbutt was kept in, the rating wouldn’t have been secured and would have bumped up to 15. This is how the film was presented for years. The headbutt wasn’t even in the eventually released Director’s Cut DVD. Although on January 5th, 2017, the film was rereleased on Blu-ray in honor of the film’s 15th anniversary. It was at this point that the BBFC waived the cuts to the film, and the headbutt was then inserted. The BBFC must have had this slogan for years:
BBFC: We’re buttheads!” –10 Movies That Have Changes You May or May Not Have Noticed
“Before we get into my #1 pick, let me just have you know that I don’t own the 2011 Blu-Ray for “Return of the Jedi,” however I have seen this online and when it played on TV once on Halloween in the year of 2016 on TBS. If I owned the Blu-Ray, I’d feel like a completionist, although at the same time, I’d be ashamed because that means I own the version where Darth Vader screams “no” at the end of the movie! I’ve watched “Return of the Jedi” countless times as a kid. Both the original and 2004 edition since I possessed the 2006 limited release. I’ve never had to deal with this crap then. It wasn’t awhile til I found out this change existed and it literally just changed everything. I could tolerate minor dialogue changes! I could tolerate random CGI moments! I could tolerate Han shooting second! But this! THIS! I’ll be back, I just gotta go jump out a window!
*FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND WITH BLOOD EVERYWHERE, SCREAMS IN PAIN, SWEARING, TAKING THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, GETS WEAKER BY THE SECOND. SOMEONE SEES ME, THE NARRATOR, TRUST ME, THE NARRATOR, ON THIS STATEMENT, AND USES MAGICAL POWERS TO REHABILITATE ME, THE NARRATOR, BACK TO NORMAL*
(CATCHES BREATH) OK, I’m back!” –Top 10 WORST Star Wars Original Trilogy Special Edition Changes *SPOILERS*
“Now I’ve watched other movies involving Samurai before, well sort of, have you guys ever heard of “Samurai Cop?” That so-called movie from 1991 that went straight to VHS? If you haven’t, it’s a movie about two cops who think they’re in “Lethal Weapon,” by that I mean they resemble Mel Gibson and Danny Glover, and they have to stop a bunch of drug dealers. What’s my problem with “Samurai Cop?” Well, pretty much everything to be honest, but one big problem is despite being called “Samurai Cop,” there’s almost nothing Samurai-esque in the movie, it’s more your traditional chases you’d see in modern-day movies, only these chases are the movie equivalent to vomit.” –The Last Samurai (2003): Not a Perfect Blossom, But Not a Bad One Either
“As far as the other characters go, I’m not even gonna list them, because who gives a f*ck about the other characters?!” –Underworld: Blood Wars (2016): More Like Bore Wars *SPOILERS*
“So if this bores you, makes you want to stab yourself with a knife, encourages you to go on a killing spree, or makes you want to jump out a window, DON’T DO THOSE THINGS, and instead, either stop reading the post and rethink what you’re doing in life, or just skip ahead to the next paragraph where I get back on track.” –The Disaster Artist (2017): Oh Hai, James Franco!
There are tons of moments that I could be sharing here, but let’s face it, I probably have more than enough shown already. Overall, these past two years have been nothing really much other than a total delight. This blog made me share stories that in detail that I probably would rarely be able to utilize on Twitter. I would like to thank each and every one of you who has viewed this post, and all my other posts and getting me where I am today. What’s up for the future? Some things are certain, some aren’t. I’m not exactly certain of whether or not in the future I’ll be monetizing this site, and that’s because despite how I get some views from day to day, I can’t really say the amount of views I get is all that high compared to some other people. Maybe I’ll create a Patreon, I’ll try to come up with some perks and announce those to you, that way I can make money on this in that sort of sense. I will say though, if I do monetize my blog, I have a killer post for y’all to see that I’ve already planned many months ago. As for content, it’s still the same deal, reviews for old movies, new movies, countdowns, movie news, my opinions on movie news, all that jazz. Now, I do have some big movies to hit, and will I see all of them? I don’t know. Only time will tell, but as far as 2018 goes, here’s a list of some of the movies I’m planning to tackle (in no particular order).
- Avengers: Infinity War
- Solo: A Star Wars Story
- Deadpool 2
- Mission: Impossible: Fallout
- Ready Player One
- Game Night
- Incredibles 2
- Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
- Ralph Breaks the Internet: Wreck-It Ralph 2
- Goosebumps: Horror Land
- The Meg
- Ant-Man and the Wasp
- Sicario 2: Soldado
- Pacific Rim: Uprising
- Tomb Raider
- A Quiet Place
- Red Sparrow
- First Man
- A Wrinkle In Time
Will I see all of these? Probably not. These are just movies that stand out to me in some sort of way in terms of relevance. In fact, I’ll even say, some of these are movies I have low expectations for. The last one I mentioned, “A Wrinkle In Time,” which is a Disney film based on a popular novel, honestly looks like a cliche adventure that might just get people who read the book in the theater along with everyone who worships Oprah like she’s queen of the universe. I don’t even have high expectations for “Venom.” Like, why do we need that movie? Why?! Sony, please tell me WHY we need a “Venom” movie, please leave a comment! Also, as for old reviews, I’m going to list some ideas I have and why I’m thinking of doing them, so please observe!
- Mission: Impossible 1-5 (Prior to release of Mission: Impossible: Fallout) *CONFIRMED*
- Avengers 1-2 (Prior to release of Avengers: Infinity War)
- THREE Jason Statham films (Prior to release of The Meg, which he stars in)
- 7 Days of Star Wars/Every Day from Sunday-Saturday I post a review for one movie in the Star Wars main saga (Special Event for week of Star Wars Day and Revenge of the Fifth)
- EITHER TWO Films Damien Chazelle worked on (Preferably Grand Piano and Whiplash) OR THREE Space-Related Films (Prior to release of First Man)
- Ant-Man (Prior to release of Ant-Man and the Wasp)
Those ideas listed above are for content I might do within reason. I have ideas for other reviews that I might do for a reason some people might call “Why not?” I have all four “Revenge of the Nerds” films, including the ones made for TV, so maybe I’ll do a “Revenge of the Nerds” month since part of me kind of wants to talk about those. I also have the “Back to the Future” trilogy, so maybe I’ll use some time talking about that. Another idea I have for a “Why not?” review series, since there might be nothing relevant about it other a possible Amazon TV show is a “Lord of the Rings” review series. This might even include the “Hobbit” films if I feel they’d make a nice addition. The future has yet to be written, and I can’t write it myself. Time will do that for me.
Thanks for reading this review, if you thought about intentionally reading this post from start to finish made it to this point, I can’t congratulate you enough, because this is the longest post I’ve ever done. Pat yourself on the back! Jump for joy! Go buy yourself some ice cream! Tomorrow I can confirm I’m going to see “Annihilation,” so it won’t be long before you see a review of that. Staying on the topic of tomorrow, the Oscars are happening! I am currently in the middle of making a post on some of my hopes and predictions for the Academy Awards. I don’t know if I’ll be able to finish it on time because for one thing, the show starts at 8PM tomorrow. Not to mention another thing, I might work on my “Annihilation” review depending on what time does for me. Stay tuned for more great content! I’m well aware that my blog isn’t really all that big, but if there is a moment or a quote I stated during my blogging experience that you think really stands out, what would it be? You can state something here, you can state something maybe I didn’t put on here, literally anything. Leave your comments down below and I can’t wait to keep Scene Before going for another year! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!