“Argylle” is directed by Matthew Vaughn and stars Henry Cavill (Man of Steel, Mission: Impossible – Fallout), Bryce Dallas Howard (Spider-Man 3, Jurassic World), Sam Rockwell (The Bad Guys, Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri), Bryan Cranston (Malcom in the Middle, Breaking Bad), Catherine O’Hara (Schitt’s Creek, Beetlejuice), Sofia Boutella (Atomic Blonde, The Mummy), Dua Lipa (Barbie), Ariana DeBose (West Side Story, Wish), with John Cena (Peacemaker, Blockers), and Samuel L. Jackson (Kingsman: The Secret Service, The Avengers). This film centers around a notable spy novelist named Elly Conway who finds out the events she happens to be writing in her next book are similar to those that are playing out in front of her.
I have not seen all of Matthew Vaughn’s work, but I am a fan of the “Kingsman” movies. Particularly “Kingsman: The Secret Service.” I have nothing against the second one. I had fun with “The Golden Circle” even though I think there are one or two moments I would rather have not sat through. Elton John alone was worth the price of admission for me. But I would rather honestly forget about Vaughn’s latest feature film, “The King’s Man,” a prequel to those two other movies. If you asked me what the heck happened in that last movie, I honestly would not be able to tell you. I was immensely bored with it and I cannot believe it even got made.
Nevertheless, I was looking forward to “Argylle.” Vaughn’s been on a bit of a downward trend lately, but I figured a fresh idea could give him a boost. You have new characters, a fresh story, but you also have some of Vaughn’s directorial trademarks making a comeback. “Kingsman: The Secret Service” definitely has a flashy, glitzy, in your face style, but it does not mean the movie lacks a good story to back it up. The good news about “Argylle” is that if you like Matthew Vaughn’s style, you will find it here. The bad news, the story ends up falling flat on its face.
I will be fair though. The story is not all bad. If anything, the first act of the film is easily my favorite part. It is the part where I had the most fun, emitted the most laughs, and not once was I ever taken out of it. I like how they handled Elly Conway’s mannerisms and point of view throughout between how she visualizes her stories, how she puts one thing and another together, and there is also a neat first-person perspective shot gimmick that comes into play. I like those techniques. There is also some good action. There is a fight on a train that is nothing short of a thrill ride. It also introduces us to my favorite character in the film, Aidan, played by Sam Rockwell. I have not seen everything Rockwell has done, but one of my favorite works of his is his performance in “The Way Way Back,” a coming of age comedy where he plays a waterpark employee. Having seen “Argylle,” his mannerisms here reminded me of how he executed his more comedic lines in “The Way Way Back.” He is very much a scene stealer and while it is in the trailer, the way he utters, “I love this book!”, got a genuine laugh out of me in the film.
Unfortunately, once the first act concludes, the whole movie enters this spiral of madness that almost gave yours truly a headache. I saw the film in IMAX, and while I love the IMAX experience, I must say that this one was on the verge of breaking me. It was almost too loud, too zany, and too rambunctious. I love when a story keeps you guessing, when it is full of twists and turns, but there is a sense of novelty that is lost once we find out where the movie is taking its characters. The movie is twisty. No doubt about it. A tagline for the film is “FROM THE TWISTED MIND OF MATTHEW VAUGHN.” But the movie throws so much at you all at once that is overwhelming. It is like sitting through ten AP classes at once and being forced to digest those subjects at the same time! I could only take so many notes! Yeah, there are elements to this charade that stick the landing, but there are plenty of others that leave a bit to be desired.
Also, if I have to be real, while the movie has great action in the beginning, I felt it became too much to handle by the end. Going back to “Kingsman,” one of the reasons why I find “The Secret Service” to be a better movie than “The Golden Circle” is because “The Secret Service” had action sequences that appeared to consistently exist in their own reality. They were ridiculous, but they were fun. “The Golden Circle” still has good action, but there are moments where the movie tends to jump the shark that lack a sense of heightened realism. It’s almost as if they broke some sort of rulebook. By the end of this film, “Argylle” felt more akin to “The Golden Circle” than “The Secret Service.” Yeah, there were a couple stylistic moments that pop, but there are others that are too flashy and do not emit much emotion.
There is a moment at the end of the film where it basically pulls a “Batman & Robin.” Unfortunately, as far as I can recall, there is not a single ice pun in the entire film. That’s not cool at all. But what I mean is, if you remember “Batman & Robin,” there is a moment that the titular characters conveniently emit ice skates from their boots to take down some baddies. There is a moment in “Argylle” that instantly triggered a memory of that, and how stupid that instance truly is. There is something involving skates in “Argylle” that is so played up, so over the top, so ridiculous, that it had me shrugging angrily in the middle of the theater! I was dumbfounded by this! How is this convincing?! You kind of have to see it yourself to fully embrace and grasp the feeling I got as soon as it came up. I wanted to roll my eyes.
Unfortunately, “Argylle” basically feels like an adolescent girl’s cringeworthy spy fantasy brought to life, but they gave the keys to Matthew Vaughn to tidy up the writing and make a $200 million movie out of it. It’s flashy, it’s shiny, and everything is all over the place. There’s cats! There’s good-looking men like Henry Cavill and John Cena! There is a kind-hearted, but somewhat shy woman in the center of it all! But unfortunately, those elements do not come together to make a neat package. The film kind of reminded me of Guy Ritchie’s “The Gentlemen,” which from a filmmaking perspective, looks nice, but I cannot say I appreciated the story.
At the risk of beating a dead horse, if you want a fun spy movie with Matthew Vaughn, watch “Kingsman: The Secret Service!” In fact, here is another thing that movie does better! Let’s talk about animal companions! Remember how in “Kingsman: The Secret Service” all the spies had to have a dog alongside them? The way they went about that story tactic was essential and delivered plenty of emotion to everyone’s journey in the film. “Argylle” makes it clear that our character is a cat lady, but when it comes to the cat itself, it was almost like watching a Disney animated film trying to utilize its most merchandisable character to the point where the film essentially becomes a commercial. For the record, I am not much of a cat person. So you could say I am biased in my assessment here. But I will also remind you that I am the furthest thing from a dog person! I am even allergic to dogs! Despite that, I can say that “Kingsman: The Secret Service” does a significantly better job at utilizing its animal companion than “Argylle” does in spades. If you want me to be real about “Argylle,” when it comes to fare prominently featuring cat characters, this is not as catastrophic as 2019’s “Cats.” But, this movie certainly had me angrily hissing by the time it was over.
In the end, “Argylle” is just plain bad. This movie has so much gloss and glamour to the point where they just put a bunch of people on sets and forgot to make a movie. I like the cast. Bryce Dallas Howard, Sam Rockwell, Bryan Cranston, Catherine O’Hara, Samuel L. Jackson. These are all big names. And I imagine much like some recent action fare on Netflix such the intolerable “Red Notice,” this could factor into why the film has a $200 million price tag. Honestly, for all I know, Apple is a great streaming service. I have never used it to watch a show. But I have heard titles like “Ted Lasso” and “For All Mankind” are worth seeking out. But their movies are for the most part, forgettable. The one exception was “CODA,” which despite some cliches, was one of the most emotionally powerful movies I have seen in the past couple years. It was perfect. But from “Killers of the Flower Moon” to “Napoleon” and now this hot mess, Apple needs to get their ducks in a row and unleash a good movie. If you know me in real life, you know that I use an Android phone. I use Windows computers. I stream most of my music through YouTube. To get me to buy or invest my time in an Apple electronic would be like getting Howie Mandel to shake my hand. It would be nearly impossible. I wonder if the same fate could be coming to Apple’s movies if they continue to be this sloppily executed and poorly contrived. I am going to give “Argylle” a 3/10.
“Argylle” is now playing in theaters everywhere. Tickets are available now.
Thanks for reading this review! My next review is going to be for “American Fiction!” I have seen so many titles in 2023, but this was not one of them. I had to wait until this year to watch it. But I will have my review up very soon! By the way, I will not give away my final score on the film, but let’s just say that it has already been nominated for a couple Jack Awards! Which leads me to say…
THE JACK AWARDS ARE NEXT SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 25th! If you have not already done so, cast your vote now for this year’s Best Picture! Hope you tune in! Be there or be square! If you want to see this and more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Argylle?” What did you think about it? Or, what is your favorite Matthew Vaughn movie? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“Freelance” is directed by Pierre Morel (Peppermint, Taken) and stars John Cena (The Suicide Squad, Blockers), Alison Brie (BoJack Horseman, The LEGO Movie), Juan Pablo Raba (Peppermint, Narcos), and Christian Slater (Inside Job, Archer). This film is about an ex-special forces operative who takes a job to protect a journalist tasked with interviewing a dictator. When a coup happens during the assignment, the three must defend themselves all the while navigating the jungle for their own survival.
To say I was looking forward to “Freelance” would be like saying I am looking forward to going to the DMV. Sure, I like making sure I am able to drive. But all the dirty work within that is not that appealing. In the same way, I enjoy John Cena’s work… Well, enjoy is a strong word. I am not exactly thrilled with what he did on TBS’s “Wipeout,” but still. As I look at the poster for “Freelance,” it has the look of a straight to DVD action flick released exclusively at Walmart that is probably not going to be discussed two years from its official release. There is something about it, the more I look at it, that increasingly turns me off. Even the tagline sounds over the top. “Retirement doesn’t suit him.” Okay, then. I wish the advertising suited my tastes but this goes to show why we cannot have nice things. It almost has the look and feel of a lifeless parody movie. It’s too bright to be serious, but it tries way too hard to make me laugh, and fails miserably. Once again, John Cena is becoming a respectable star in both film and television. That said, the greatest thespian, he is not. He is basically like Dwayne Johnson, another wrestler turned actor. He has personality and oozes charisma in various roles, but he does not always escape into the role at hand. “Blockers” is a halfway decent example. John Cena is really funny in the movie. Honestly, he stands out in the movie. I really like his character. But he showcases a particular, consistent stiffness as the lead role. In “F9: The Fast Saga,” which I almost forgot he was in… Nice, right? He was one of the weaker talents on screen. He was not convincing as an antagonist, and he was equally, if not more unconvincing, as Dom’s brother. But to be fair on the latter, that’s probably more of a casting issue than a performance issue.
That said, he is not all bad. If you take a supporting role of his, like the one he had in “Bumblebee,” he can do okay with the small amount of material given to him. He may not be giving an Oscar-worthy performance, but he has the ability to stand out. He was quite funny and had perhaps the best executed line in the entire film. That said, with his recent rise as the character of Peacemaker in the DCEU I thought he was turning things around. Not only did he have plenty of material to work with, but he gave a standout performance where I saw less of John Cena the personality and more of John Cena the actor. James Gunn even said that when it comes to improv, he kept more of it from John Cena than any other actor in his previous projects.
And this is why I have to say after seeing John Cena’s amazing efforts in DC’s “The Suicide Squad” and “Peacemaker,” he unfortunately takes a downward spiral in “Freelance.”
John Cena plays Mason Pettits, who had dreams of being in the military, only to have them shattered by an injury, leading him to become a lawyer instead. Now, I know being a lawyer can be a desirable gig to a number of people, but I think the movie does an okay job on the surface of trying to make Mason likable in the first couple of minutes by having his absolute dream go by the wayside, bringing him to a lowest low. But then, they introduce the fact that he is a father, has a wife who doesn’t always seem to be on the best terms with him, and this whole dynamic did not work for me. He and Alice Eve have zero chemistry together. I must add, I know that not all dads are perfect, but there is a scene early on in the film where we see Mason with his kids that was definitely supposed to come off as funny, but came off as a notion that Mason is a terrible father. He doesn’t come off like he is trying his best to be a supportive, attentive parent. The idiocy that this guy shows around his children is unfunny. Additionally, it convinces me that he should have never even procreated in the first place. The personality of John Cena’s character, both as a father, and within the context of his job, reminded me of the characters of “Wild Hogs,” a bunch of insufferable morons who want more in life, but are not likable enough for me to respect them wanting more. He comes off more as a brainless jerk than anything else. And how can you be miserable when you are married to a character played by Alice Eve? Now I have seen everything.
If there is one positive in the movie, while the film itself delivers an unfathomable injustice of a first impression, I like how they shot the film’s early moments. Much of the beginning of the film was done from a first-person perspective, which I thought was kind of creative, and almost immersive. It kind of reminded me of a fun video game. As bad as everything else in the movie is, I will admire the film for at least having the ingredients, albeit very few, that could go into making the unfathomable injustice of a first impression better than it is. First impressions are the impressions in life that matter the most regardless of the situation. So while “Freelance” did not win me over, I admire the movie’s efforts in what it was trying to do. However, there are so many things that are wrong with the movie that I cannot help but cringe just at the thought of it. The movie starts off as a story where one man is getting a second shot at a dream. It is kind of borderline action-packed, adventurous. But it also is a comedy. Meshing genres together is nothing new, but usually there is a sense of consistency when the meshing is done right. The way “Freelance” uses multiple genres is the opposite. It almost does not know what kind of movie it wants to be. And the worst part, when it comes to meshing adventure, comedy, action, and whatever other sprinkle of a genre it chooses to emulate, it does all of them poorly. I don’t mind mixed genres as long as they’re done well. If they were done well, we would have a different story on our hands. Look at “Everything Everywhere All at Once.” “Freelance” does not go as deep as that. But as an adventure, there are no thrills. As a comedy, there are no laughs. As an action flick, it misses the mark.
And the fact that this film misses the mark as an action flick is really sad, because it is directed by Pierre Morel, who also directed “Taken.” I love “Taken.” It is one of Liam Neeson’s best films. It is not surprising to know that almost every other film he has done since often tends to be compared to “Taken.” The action is great. The premise is simple, but perfect. The father-daughter relationship won me over. And that is the irony. We go from a movie like “Taken,” which even with its showcasing of notable violence, is ultimately about a father who will do anything to save his daughter. He is practically the father of the year. Granted, when it comes to “Taken” it also helps having decent writers like Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen. Now several years later, we get “Freelance.” A movie starring John Cena as a father who appears to neglect important details about his kids. And if you are curious about the writer for “Freelance,” that would happen to be Jacob Lentz. He has plenty of experience in this industry. He wrote for “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” for a long time, he produced a series in 2017 called “Animal Nation with Anthony Anderson.” He did a number of things. But the last writing credit he has, at least according to IMDb, is in 2012 when he did the “2012 White House Correspondents’ Association Dinner.” If that is true, it kind of shows here. Granted, with all this time in between, it could mean he had time to brainstorm whatever he is going to do next. But if I were brainstorming, I would have brainstormed to delete the script and never hand it out to anybody. But what do I know?
That said, I do want to be careful with what I just said. Because I recognize how hard it is to make a movie. But with a repeated process, the journey does become a bit simpler. Recognizing Jacob Lentz’s past credits, I should note that in his case, this is, unsurprisingly, his first feature film script. I respect how Lentz is making a transition from one part of the industry to another. He is trying to diversify a bit. But I think it is clear that when it comes to feature films, his skills have not quite blossomed. I do not know what his reputation is on the TV side, but I am hoping that it is better than what this movie turned out to be.
The best way I can describe “Freelance” is to say that it is this year’s “Red Notice.” When it comes to star power, it is not quite as big, but it is evident. Look at John Cena! Look at Alison Brie! Both of them are respectable, notable names given their resumes! “Freelance,” much like “Red Notice” did with Dwayne Johnson, Ryan Reynolds, and Gal Gadot, ended up taking significant leads who ooze personality to the tenth degree and crush them like bugs. This movie took likable gems of people and sucked out their souls. They say I cannot see John Cena. In this case, all I see is crap.
And while I happen to know John Cena and Alison Brie more than Juan Pablo Raba, if I had to name my favorite performance in the movie, it would Raba’s performance as the dictator. He feels the genuine of the bunch, he has personality, and I thought Raba blended into the role nicely. At the end of the day, I do not love the character and I did not know what to think of him. But if I had to name a scene stealer, and this is a generous statement by the way, it would be the dictator. I honestly wanted more out of this movie. I wanted better action. I wanted better comedy. I wanted better acting. I wanted a better story. When it comes to the story, by the way, it feels like an afterthought. Sure, maybe there was a decent motivation on the protagonist’s part, but as the movie progresses, it feels like we continuously have excuses to spew lackluster action scenes, bad jokes, and uninteresting gags that may occasionally have a sexual nature. I wish I could say when it comes to “Freelance,” one watch would be enough for me. If there were a way I could watch the movie zero times, I would love to make that happen.
In the end, “Freelance” is a gig that I should have quit before I even took it on. Between “Fast X” and now this, John Cena is not having the best recent track record. While I have to think about which movie I’d rather watch more, I’m starting to think “Fast X” has more redeeming qualities. Because at least some of the action is fun to look at, and when it comes to John Cena in that movie, he is actually pretty funny. In “Freelance,” not only is he not funny. He is genuinely unlikable. There is no way I found myself latching on this character by the movie’s end. The plot is all over the place. The characters barely stand out. The events of the film are easily forgettable. There are a couple cringe-inducing moments. I cannot recommend this film to anyone. I was amazed by the Rotten Tomatoes scores for this film. Because the critic score is at a whopping 0%! Meanwhile, the audience score is sitting at 76%! The divide on this movie is not only amazing, it is jaw-dropping! Because if you must know, I side with the critics on this one. But I genuinely want to know why this movie did better with audiences. What redeeming qualities stood out to these people? Then again, like all other art, film is subjective. When it comes to my subjective thoughts, I could never subject myself to this torture ever again. I am going to give “Freelance” a 1/10.
By the way, I want to congratulate John Cena, because this is not his first time being in a movie with a 0% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes. This is due to Cena having a role in the television film “FRED: The Movie,” starring character popularized through online media by Lucas Cruikshank. Congratulations, John Cena! You did it! You hit the jackpot of utter lunacy! What are the chances of this? If there is anybody that I am convinced in their lifetime will be struck by lightning twice, it might be John Cena at this point. Who knows?!
I want to tell you a true story. I ended up going to two different AMC Theaters to watch “Freelance.” I was going to buy a ticket at the first one in person, buy some food, but I ended up forgetting my wallet. That would have been fine considering I have rewards points through my Stubs membership. I had plenty to waste, and if need be, I had quarters sitting in my car, that I could use if needed. But I am an AMC A-List member. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, the ticket taker will ask for your ID if you use one of your A-List reservations. Considering I did not have it on my person, I made a trip home and forfeited the screening. So, I waste over an hour between going home, going back out, venturing to a different theater and using my AMC A-List reservation there to get a free ticket for “Freelance.” I wasted time, gas, and my sanity to get this review out for you guys. And you know why? Because I like you. That said, this movie was not worth the effort. “Freelance” is one of the biggest wastes of my time I had as a moviegoer. It is unfunny, unsatisfying, and unthrilling. It is one of the worst films of the year for sure.
Thanks for reading this review! My next review is going to be for “The Persian Version.” I had a chance to go see this movie a couple weeks ago. I saw the marketing sometime prior, and I have been looking forward to it. I will share my thoughts soon! Also coming soon, I will have reviews for “Priscilla,” “The Tunnel to Summer, the Exit of Goodbyes,” and “The Marvels.” If you want to see this and more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Freelance?” What did you think about it? Or, here is a fun question… Have you seen any movies that have earned a 0% critic score on Rotten Tomatoes? If so, tell me what you thought about them. That should be fun, right? List your thoughts down below, I would love to hear them. Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem” is directed by Jeff Rowe and stars Micah Abbey (Cousins for Life, Grey’s Anatomy), Shamon Brown Jr. (The Chi), Nicolas Cantu (The Amazing World of Gumball, Sofia the First), Brady Noon (Boardwalk Empire, Good Boys), Ayo Edebiri (Big Mouth, The Bear), Maya Rudolph (The Mitchells vs. the Machines, Saturday Night Live), John Cena (Peacemaker, Blockers), Seth Rogen (Neighbors, Sausage Party), Rose Byrne (Neighbors, X-Men: First Class), Natasia Demetriou (The Cuphead Show!, What We Do in the Shadows), Giancarlo Esposito (Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials, Harley Quinn), Jackie Chan (Snake in the Eagle’s Shadow, Drunken Master), Ice Cube (Ride Along, xXx: State of the Union), Paul Rudd (Ant-Man, Dinner for Schmucks), and Hannibal Buress (Spider-Man: Homecoming, The Eric Andre Show). This film is the latest incarnation of the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” property. In this film, the four turtles must earn the love of New York City while taking down an army of mutants.
I will be real. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” has never been my thing. I am not knocking on the franchise, it is just something I never got into for one reason or another. I never grew up with it, I never watched any of the shows or movies, I never read the comic material, so I never gave it a solid chance. I did watch an episode of the 2012 television series at someone’s house, but I was not in control of the television. When it comes to this latest attempt at revitalizing the property, I was not sure what to think other than to hope whatever was in front of me would be good. I did not have much to compare this to, so all I could wish for is that I would walk out not regretting my purchase. To be honest, I almost did not even see this movie. My friend wanted to see it, and of course, seeing more movies means more reviews, so he and I went together.
The big question is, did I have a good time?
Sure. I would say so.
Despite my good time, however, this does not mean the film is free from problems. The biggest problem with this film that comes to mind is that it spends way too much time expositing certain things in perhaps the most forced ways one could imagine. The way this movie introduces Baxter Stockman allows for the inclusion of some of the most on the nose lines I have heard in recent memory. We spend more time getting to know the characters through what they say as opposed to what they think, how they feel, how they emote. Now I imagine some people will say that this is a movie for kids. And yes, this movie is definitely something that could be enjoyed by kids. Perhaps primarily so. But I always say that if you want your movie to age well, tell your story with kids in mind, but do so in a way that treats them as if they were watching something adult. I just recently rewatched “The Incredibles” and I was in awe of how much that movie respects its audience all the way through. It has such a natural flow in how it tells its story that has made the film age like a fine wine. I imagine that kids watching “Mutant Mayhem” today may end up watching it again after it hits streaming and DVD. A lot of kids will end up enjoying the film, but the question is, how will they view the film once they become adults? That is something I would like to see put to the test.
And I am not saying that the film does not work. Again, it is good. Not great, but good. I think one of the things this film handles well is the teenage aspect of its characters. Their problems feel like situations a lot of people would come by during their teenage years. Whether it has to do with anxiety, confusion over one’s identity, or wanting to fit in. While those last two concepts, specifically for the turtles, are handled in a way most humans probably would never experience, they nevertheless feel down to earth. When it comes to anxiety, that is something that is particularly handled well with the character of April O’Neil, her arc in this film may be my favorite of all the characters. Overall, the buildup was great, and I was excited to see the payoff eventually come into play.
But even with that in mind, the script does not reinvent the wheel. The story beats are sometimes overwhelmingly familiar. What happens in the movie can occasionally come off as predictable. And if they just toned down on the exposition just a little, the whole movie would have been a slightly easier, less irritating watch. That said, it is still an easy watch in some ways. It has a short runtime that flies by. Even with my problems, I never found the movie outright boring. From start to finish, I would say I was entertained.
Despite this film’s tendency to follow a formulaic path with been there done that methods of storytelling, I will say some of the writing is pretty solid. Not all of it works, but the jokes in the film are not bad. My favorite joke in particular, and I am not from the area, but I appreciated this movie’s balls to have a character say that Staten Island is “the best borough” in all of metropolitan New York. I have never been to Staten Island, but I know enough about it to laugh whenever I hear someone say what they just said. “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem” has plenty of great humor. But it also has jokes that may as well have been stolen from a rejected “Sonic the Hedgehog” movie. But part of what makes these jokes click sometimes would be the chemistry between the cast. One of the neat things about the turtles in this film is that they are played by actual teenagers. In fact, the oldest of the bunch, Nicolas Cantu, turns 20 in less than a week as of this review. There is not only a sense of authenticity amongst the four characters, but when it comes to the people chosen to play them, there is camaraderie.
I also admire this film’s approach in its animation. I imagine a lot of people would say this film as an animation style that reminds them of the past couple “Spider-Verse” movies. In some ways, I would say that is true. It has this 2D feel to it that still emits a modern 3D vibe. But one thing that separates this film from those “Spider-Verse” movies, and I am not saying this is better, just to make myself clear, is that the film intentionally presents a certain messiness to its animation. It is certainly a unique approach that works at times for this film. I don’t know if I want to see it in every animated movie going forward, but for the way this film is executed, it seemed to work just fine. In fact, the way I can describe the animation for “Mutant Mayhem” is also a perfect way to describe the movie itself. It is all over the place. In one moment, it hits. In another moment, it becomes somewhat messy. I am not doubting that quite a bit of effort was put into animating this film. But at the end of the day, I wish that the crew tried as hard to make a story as fresh and exciting as its unusual visual style. If that were done, then this movie possibly could have been better. Instead, it is settling for a passable, but still somewhat lackluster experience. At least for me.
In the end, I will not doubt that “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem” will find its fans. I will not doubt that kids may end up watching it multiple times. I will not doubt that some longtime fans will appreciate it too. But I was a semi-virgin of the franchise before watching this film, and as a newcomer, I do not think this is the introduction that would have made me want to continue exploring what else it contains. I would say “Mutant Mayhem” is on the same level as “The Super Mario Bros. Movie.” It plays things safe, but nevertheless has some good moments sprinkled in from start to finish. Based on this, I am going to give “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem” a 6/10.
“Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem” is now playing in theaters everywhere. Tickets are available now.
Thanks for reading this review! Pretty soon I will have my thoughts on “Talk to Me,” “Blue Beetle,” “Strays,” “Gran Turismo,” “Meg 2: The Trench,” and “Bottoms.” Stay tuned! If you want to see this, and more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem?” What did you think about it? Or, are you a “TMNT” fan? What do you recommend from the franchise? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“Fast X” is “directed” by Louis Leterrier. It was originally supposed to be helmed by Justin Lin, who has done a few of the franchise’s installments, including the recent “F9.” However, due to drama with star Vin Diesel (xXx, Guardians of the Galaxy), he left the directorial position. So that’s fun… Although he does have a screenplay credit. Speaking of Vin Diesel, joining him is a cast including Michelle Rodriguez (Dunegons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves, Widows), Tyrese Gibson (Morbius, Black and Blue), Chris “Ludacris” Bridges (Karma’s World, Crash), John Cena (Peacemaker, Blockers), Nathalie Emmanuel (The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance, Game of Thrones), Jordana Brewster (Dallas, Lethal Weapon), Sung Kang (Power, Obi-Wan Kenobi), Scott Eastwood (Suicide Squad, The Longest Ride), Daniela Melchior (The Suicide Squad, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3), Alan Ritchson (Reacher, Titans), Helen Mirren (Skyfall, The Queen), Brie Larson (Captain Marvel, Room), Rita Moreno (West Side Story, 80 for Brady), Jason Statham (Crank, The Transporter), Jason Momoa (Aquaman, Slumberland), and Charlize Theron (A Million Ways to Die in the West, Bombshell). This series of moving images that technically qualifies as a blockbuster film once again centers around Dom Toretto and his “family” as they must stop Dante Reyes from ending their lives.
We did it folks! We have reached TEN of these films now. ELEVEN if you count that one “Hobbs & Shaw” spinoff that was quite entertaining. …Yay? To be honest, I could not have been less stoked about “Fast X.” I have seen plenty of bad movies, including some to major franchises like “Star Wars,” “Jurassic Park,” and “Transformers.” Few movies like “F9: The Fast Saga” have reeked of such an abominable aftertaste. Why did it not work? Because it treated me like an idiot.
The “Fast and Furious” franchise has evolved to such idiocy over the years. It has gone from being “Point Break” with street racing to taking on a shark-jumping identity that only gets bigger, not to mention dumber, with each installment. From “Fast & Furious,” the fourth movie, to “Furious 7,” everything that resembled such shark-jumping never took me out. “The Fate of the Furious” and “Hobbs & Shaw” came close, but I still enjoyed the movies for what they were. “F9: The Fast Saga” feels like a lowest common denominator tentpole. Between John Cena’s stiff acting, Dom Toretto’s lack of charisma, and the forced space scene had me chuckling at it for the wrong reason, I cannot see myself watching “F9: The Fast Saga” ever again.
But I am one who believes in second chances. Therefore, for that reason, in addition to the fact that I feel somewhat obligated to put out a review, I decided to check out “Fast X” on opening night a couple weeks ago. The trailers honestly did nothing to excite me. In fact, I felt like was spoiling the movie for myself through whatever the heck the marketing campaign was. But I tried to act mature and let the movie speak for itself.
Safe to say, there were enjoyable moments. Maybe, one, two, or three. Because there are many others that I would rather forget.
This is, unfortunately, just about as bad as “F9.” I left “F9” feeling appalled as to how this franchise got to where it was, but I thought it had a couple cool ideas. I left “Fast X” feeling like I got punched in the brain. By the end of the film, I had perhaps the quickest 180 degrees shift I have ever experienced as a movie watcher. I went from liking where things were going, to wanting to scream like an unsatisfied customer at Disney World. Because there are times where the film has inklings of fun in it. But they are never enough to justify me paying money to watch the movie in the first place, and even in a couple more entertaining moments, they include some of the dumbest ideas and realizations ever brought to the big screen. I think I figured out what the X in “Fast X” stands for. No, it does not mean the number ten. It stands for Xcrement.
There is so much nonsense that happens in “Fast X” that I need to split this review into two or three parts to definitively explain all of what I need to say. I am not going to, however, because I would be a jerk. So, let us widdle down some things.
For starters, I am convinced that “Fast X” does not know how cameras work. Not that the film is poorly shot, it is in a word, fine. That said, there is a scene at the beginning of the movie that serves as a reminder of who the Toretto family happens to be. Not only is this as expositional as can be with a couple core characters standing in a large room doing nothing, but the footage used to talk about the Toretto family, are movie shots. Not security camera footage, not raw video that could have been uploaded to social media, but carefully crafted shots that are used in past films. It reminds me of “Batman & Robin” where a particular shot of Poison Ivy is reused for plot purposes, but that shot came from the camera shooting the movie with no inserted gimmicks, tricks, or added context. So either the “Fast & Furious” franchise is secretly one of the world’s most ambitious documentaries or this scene is as lazily set up as public transit in almost every corner of the U.S.. It does not take long for me to be taken out of the film, which is unfortunate because the film does try to give some stakes in certain situations. But even when that happens, it is difficult for me to appreciate it because I am not convinced anything in this movie will matter.
This movie has a ton of characters. But size does not matter, it is what you do with it. Not much is done with it to be frank, because there is almost no charisma from any of the characters! This includes the lead!
Domenic Toretto is arguably the most overpowered, unlikably boring protagonist who continues to maintain some semblance of relevance in our cultural zeitgeist. I remember when these movies made the heroes feel superhuman, but they continued to have some degree of verisimilitude to their actions. Dom is God at this point. Vin Diesel may have chosen to be Superman in “The Iron Giant,” but as far as I am concerned, if Dom Toretto were forced to fight Superman, Toretto has a chance of clobbering him at this point. Other protagonists, even in movies I do not enjoy, will have me guessing if they are going to make it out of a sticky situation. If anything, Toretto practically is the sticky situation in every scene. He is not the villain, but he is a man without weakness. And while anything’s possible, this franchise proves it, I would rather see characters who have to deal with their troubles because the reality is that nobody’s perfect. Sure, there are some added stakes in this film with Dom having a kid, and Jason Momoa plays a compelling antagonist. But those two things are not enough to make a good movie. This is where the “Mission: Impossible” franchise often succeeds where “Fast & Furious” does not. Because while the movies are fictional spy adventures, they have fewer fantastical elements and more interesting characters that keep me engaged in the picture.
In fact, going back to Dom’s kid, Brian, he is nicely portrayed by Leo Abelo Perry. I am not convinced that he looks like the offspring Dom and Letty would have, but nevertheless. He is good in the film. What is not good in the film, is Dom’s parenting skills. I know this film defies logic, physics, and science, but is it the dumbest time for me to ask why the heck Brian is able to drive at eight years old? I mean, he can… But, are there like, laws… Against that? Ah, who am I kidding? The only law this movie knows is Murphy’s Law.
Although there is one good cameo in the middle of this film. I will not say who the individual of interest is, because I had no idea they were in the film going into it. But they are seen while the film is set in London. Additionally, this individual has some of the funniest lines in the film by a long shot.
Also, if any characters were improved, it would have to be John Cena’s Jakob. Unlike the last movie, he is actually charming, more than just a buff body, and kind of funny. One of Cena’s strengths as an actor is comedy. Since his last outing in the “Fast” universe, he has definitely improved himself as a performer, and I think the writers have similarly improved on his character and relied on some of what made John Cena’s performance in “The Suicide Squad” pop. The character himself is a bit of a diversion from what we have seen in “F9,” but it does not change the fact that Cena’s continued commitment to his craft is shown here.
I am going to do my best to talk about the end of this movie without giving a ton away. Inside I am vomiting just thinking about it. There is, an absurd, albeit the tiniest bit engaging moment where Dom flees from a couple oil trucks. Okay… At least no one is in space. Then we get an out of nowhere cliffhanger. While somewhat abrupt, that moment gave me hope. I thought the movie for the most part was mediocre at best, but that scene nearly redeemed everything else because it hinted that there could be at least one ounce of stakes in this universe. THEN we get to the ACTUAL ending. Where we find a couple other characters witnessing something, then another something happens. Once the other something happens, I think I witnessed an achievement in storytelling that could only be awarded with a Razzie. I said “F9” gave “Sharknado” ideas. That honestly feels like the tip of the iceberg at this point for how ridiculous things get in this franchise. What happened?!
One of the common things I hear about another popular series of films, specifically the MCU, is that those movies are more like theme parks than actual films. There are a few theme park-like elements in the MCU, but they are just a small part of what makes the films themselves exciting. They are still entertaining stories with likable characters. That said, if Martin Scorsese watches “Fast X” and walks out thinking that it is less theme park-esque than anything in the MCU, then he may as well be entitled to his wrong opinion. I would rather watch “Iron Man 2.” I’d rather watch “Black Widow.” Dude, I would rather watch “Thor: The Dark World” instead of not just “Fast X,” but both of this franchise’s most recent outings! How bad do you have to be to compared to a franchise of 32 movies, and I would watch all of those instead of these last two duds?! This movie has thrills, but little character growth. This movie has style, but no substance. This movie has action, but no stakes. And what we get is one of the worst movies of the year, not to mention one of the worst cinematic efforts of the decade.
When I walked out of “F9,” I lost any excitement I had for “Fast X,” and the trailers lowered it even more. As for “Fast X,” I think the most positive thing I can say about this movie is that people got paid to make it. Just because you have all these big stars including Vin Diesel, Brie Larson, Charlize Theron, and Jason Momoa, does not mean the film can get away without delivering a good script to back them up. After the first act, everything in this film feels as haphazard as a carnival ride. Whereas MCU movies are debatably theme park rides instead of cinema, “Fast X” feels more like a carnival ride that was shipped in and set up at the last minute. It is wobbly, squeaky, and its roughness cannot match its acceptable appearance. The film looks okay. The cinematography is pedestrian, although the editing is a bit over the top. Maybe too much for its own good. There is no way I can convince myself that “Fast X” adds anything fresh or exciting to this franchise. Its old tricks, despite their remixes, are honestly tired at this point.
In fact, speaking of old tricks, if I have to be honest and state what I think could be the most enjoyable moments of the film, they may be the ones from the beginning. While that may seem vague, let me remind you that much of that is really just a flashback to “Fast Five.” Do not get me wrong, I like “Fast Five.” But after watching “Fast X,” I was not convinced that I should watch it again. Instead, I thought I would rather watch “Fast Five” again. While some may take this as a compliment regarding the franchise’s longevity, if the franchise wants to save itself in the future, it might as well craft something good to release in the present, and maybe not indulge a whole ton in its past.
Movie franchises are only as good as their last project. Granted, money also talks. “Fast & Furious” makes money. But sometimes the two go hand in hand. Look at “The Divergent Series.” The third movie comes out to less than stellar reviews, the box office is equally unsatisfying, and not only was it announced that the fourth film would go straight to television, the film never saw the light of day following said announcement. Or for a more recent example, Look at “Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania.” The movie ended up receiving some of the worst verdicts in the MCU and ended up having significant drops during following weekends at the box office. Sure, the movie made quite a bit of money, but by current MCU standards and with the diminishing of the COVID-19 pandemic, it is below what it could have made.
Going back to “Fast Five,” this movie utilizes that predecessor to tell a story of its own. Because the villain, Dante, is the son of Hernan Reyes, the antagonist of “Fast Five.” If I have to give this movie one compliment, its villain is one of the more redeemable elements of the experience. I am not going to pretend that it saves the film from being a disaster, but Jason Momoa steals every scene he is in. Every one of his mannerisms reminded me of a more adult version of Jim Carrey’s Doctor Robotnik from the “Sonic” movies. In fact, I am not surprised Momoa pulls off his performance. Having seen one of his most recent projects, “Slumberland,” he has a bit of a fun side to him that I have not uncovered through his time as say “Aquaman.” Not to diss on his performance as Aquaman, but “Slumberland,” despite its flaws, showed perhaps a likably cartoony side to him. At times, this film feels like a cartoon that tries to ground itself too much. Jason Momoa feels like the one performer who showed up to do a different project than those around him. Everyone showed up to be an action star while he showed up to be a goofball with guns and an endless motive to kill. I do not recommend going to see “Fast X,” but if there is any reason I would argue you should, Jason Momoa is the first idea that comes to mind.
There is nothing wrong with a franchise evolving from its roots. But “Fast & Furious” shows what happens when evolution goes too far. Adding a little ridiculousness is fine. In fact, it is actually kind of cool. Although what does not work is seeing that ridiculousness turn into chaos. Sure, this movie harkens back to the street racing element that was utilized in prior installments. But it is overshadowed by the many negatives that result from the franchise’s evolution. I do not have as much emotional attachment for these characters as I once did, because I am convinced that they are going to make it out of any situation they find themselves in. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing multiple times and expecting different results. “Fast X” defies reality just as much, if not more, than “F9.” Therefore, this franchise fits the bill to where it could be called insane. It is just about as insane as I would be if I ever watch this movie again.
In the end, “Fast X” somehow managed to go below my already miniscule expectations. A bad “Fast & Furious” movie is one thing, but two in a row destroys my faith in the future of this franchise. I have a feeling this movie was designed with an ending to get me to ask “Where are they going with this?”. Only thing is I saw that ending and thought, there is almost no possible scenario where I tune into the next movie and it compels me from the first scene. I have seen some solid cliffhangers over the years in film. I have seen them in movies like “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug,” “Back to the Future Part II,” “Inception,” and the “Incredibles” installments. These are endings that either give me solid questions, make me beg for solid answers, or sometimes both. For “Inception,” it leaves my mind to wonder what could be happening. These are solid endings that build extended promise. “Fast X” might be promising something, but I can only assume it will be empty. But before that ending happens, things are not too great either. Between all the nonsense, the boring characters, and lackluster dialogue, this is easily one of the worst movies of the year. I am going to give “Fast X” a 2/10.
“Fast X” is now playing in theaters everywhere. Tickets are available now.
Thanks for reading this review! Pretty soon I am going to have reviews for films like “The Blackening,” “Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse,” and “Hypnotic.” Stay tuned! If you want to see more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Fast X?” What did you think about it? Or, what is the most abysmal, rotten, downright awful travesty of a blockbuster film you have seen in recent years? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“The Suicide Squad” is written and directed by James Gunn (Slither, Guardians of the Galaxy) and stars Idris Elba (Thor, Pacific Rim), Margot Robbie (The Wolf of Wall Street, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood), John Cena (Blockers, Wipeout), Joel Kinnaman (Robocop, For All Mankind), Sylvester Stallone (Rocky, Over the Top), Viola Davis (How to Get Away with Murder, Fences), Jai Courtney (Jack Reacher, Divergent), Peter Capaldi (Paddington, Doctor Who), Daniela Melchior (The Black Book, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse), and David Dastmalchian (MacGyver, Ant-Man). This film is a sequel, well kind of, to 2016’s “Suicide Squad” and is the latest film set in the Detective Comics Extended Universe. The film is about a bunch of vigilantes, some of whom we’ve seen before like Harley Quinn and Rick Flag, in addition to newbies like Peacemaker and King Shark who are put on a mission to destroy all traces of Project Starfish.
When I saw “Suicide Squad” five years ago at the theater, I enjoyed it. Safe to say, my opinion quickly changed as soon as the home video release period came up because I got the movie as a Christmas gift, I popped it in, specifically the extended edition, and found myself displeased with what was in front of me. Harley Quinn was great, but the way they handled certain plot points and some of the editing was not up to my standards. Looking back, it looked like an effective ad campaign for Hot Topic without even mentioning the brand’s name once. Therefore, I was a tad weary going into “The Suicide Squad,” because prior to “Wonder Woman 1984” which came out last December, “Suicide Squad” has long stood as my least favorite DCEU film. So it has an offputting stain of displeasure. But there were also a few attractive factors brought to table that made me feel the need to see this film as soon as possible.
First, the film is rated R. While we have gotten some comic book movies over the past few years with said rating, including “Birds of Prey” which is also set in the DCEU, this did intrigue me as the previous “Suicide Squad” was PG-13 and I was curious to know how this film could be taken in a darker direction. Plus, if the “Deadpool” movies have proven anything, it’s that there is some REAL fun to be had with R rated comic book films.
Second, James Gunn. In case it matters, this guy is responsible for my senior quote in high school. This is a true story by the way, for my senior quote, I did some searching and came across one in particular from James Gunn’s IMDb page that stood out to me.
“I have a very strong imagination and have since I was a little kid. That is where a lot of my world comes from. It’s like I’m off somewhere else. And I can have a problem in life because of that, because I’m always off in some other world thinking about something else. It’s constant.” -James Gunn
I chose this quote because of how much I relate to it. I too consider myself to be imaginative, and in addition to that, I cannot say how much this ties to Gunn himself, but I have ADHD, therefore I am constantly wandering off from my own reality to somewhere else in my head. Here’s the thing, I graduated high school in 2018. That same summer, Gunn was fired by Disney due to old, offensive tweets being resurfaced. Gotta say, on the topic of my choice of senior quote, AWK-WAAAARRD. Keep in mind, Gunn notes that he is not the same man he was when he was younger. He has matured, he has evolved. But for those of you who know the story, he eventually was hired by Warner Bros. and DC. Of all the projects that Gunn could have chosen for DC, he ended up doing what we now know as “The Suicide Squad.” I have heard a number of stories on this film’s production. But one of the things that I have heard, at least on James Gunn’s part, is that the studio basically gave Gunn complete freedom to make whatever the hell he wanted.
#TheSuicideSquad is fully finished and cut and I made every single choice and they never once even slightly interfered. They gave very few notes – they were usually good and minor and I took them if I wanted to and didn't if I didn't want to. Warners was creatively amazing.
Also, I’m not gonna lie, I really liked the trailers for this film. John Cena looked like he was gonna be a riot. Margot Robbie, per usual has a fine balance of mystery and humor within her Harley Quinn persona, and right off the bat, this actually did feel like a James Gunn film with the songs they chose for each trailer. In the end, this was easily my most anticipated film of the summer. And I thought that BEFORE the film had a 100% Rotten Tomatoes score for a period of time. But the past has proven that hype can kill a film. It’s happened to me with “Midsommar,” and in the case of James Gunn, I’ll even add that this happened with “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2,” which was my #2 most anticipated film of 2017, but I do not remember it fondly. I had a freight train of thoughts going into this film. What are my thoughts leaving the film?
It’s the best DC film ever.
Not just DCEU, I mean DC period. Like… Better than “The Dark Knight.” Better than “Wonder Woman.” Better than “V For Vendetta.” THIS FILM SLAPS!
Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what happens when you let a director make their movie! James Gunn is outright unhinged with this film. He’s the sole writer and director, and he has pretty much made every decision possible regarding the product. Not once did I feel like I was watching something that was done by a studio head at Warner Brothers. I think it is hilarious how in just less than a month, we get “Space Jam: A New Legacy,” arguably the most corporate, commercialized film Warner Bros. has put out to date, and then we get this masterpiece from James Gunn. Unbelievable!
When 2016’s “Suicide Squad” came out, I said that it felt very much like another version of “Guardians of the Galaxy.” After all, you have all these criminals coming together for the same purpose, but despite them being bad, they join forces to save the world. Plus both films sort of relied on rock heavy soundtracks, which looking back, “Guardians” did A LOT better than “Suicide Squad.” “Suicide Squad” felt as if it was trying to copy the success of “Guardians of the Galaxy” but the former attempted to in a way that was inferior to the latter. I am glad to note that we got the ACTUAL director of that “latter” to come in and make something great out of a franchise that provided one of the worst comic book films of the last five years. And much like “Guardians of the Galaxy,” part of the success is achieved from taking lesser known, or less appreciated comic book characters and putting them into scenarios that can turn them into gold. In MCU speak, I bet a lot of people knew who The Incredible Hulk was before his movie came out. Same can be said for Thor. The same cannot be said for the Guardians of the Galaxy. In the DCEU, we’ve already had a movie with the Suicide Squad, but unlike Guardians of the Galaxy, it changes out a lot of the main characters in the first film like Deadshot and Killer Croc and replaces them with other characters in the second film. Yes, Harley Quinn is back. But I’m willing to bet dollars to donuts that most people watching this movie amongst the general audience would care to know who Polka Dot Man is in the comics. I’ve heard of Polka Dot Man before, he made an appearance in “The LEGO Batman Movie.” But I cannot say I was all that familiar with his history as a character.
I never thought I’d say this. “The Suicide Squad” made me care about a superbeing who spews… POLKA DOTS! I mean, WHAT?! Who ever thought this could be possible? Again, this goes to show the master class of James Gunn. He got me to care about a talking tree in “Guardians of the Galaxy.” When you can get me to care about a costumed man who throws magical polka dots at people, he’s not just a good director, he’s a flat out genius. Seriously! You wanna know how much I cared about Polka Dot Man? I literally picked up his Funko Pop the day after my screening! I love this guy! They gave him the social awkwardness of a geek combined with the hyper mania fuel of a kid who just discovered Red Bull. I do not want to give much away about this movie, but by the end of “The Suicide Squad,” there is a visual that references a tactic Polka Dot Man often follows, and it may be one of the single funniest shots I have seen in a movie in years.
Speaking of characters, let’s talk about Harley Quinn. Right now I am personally having trouble deciding whether I prefer the Margot Robbie Harley Quinn or the Kaley Cuoco Harley Quinn in terms of their personality, but one thing I cannot deny is that Margot Robbie has aced her role in “The Suicide Squad,” providing her most insane portrayal of the character yet. I’ve always admired this iteration of Harley Quinn since 2016’s “Suicide Squad.” I always thought that she could take any scene she’s in and automatically become the star of the show. But the thing that I think makes Harley Quinn better in this movie compared to her last two outings is that Robbie channeled Harley’s inner madness to her full potential. There is a scene in the second act where she just spews tons of dialogue towards someone in particular, filling in all sorts of potential blanks. Quinn has gone from being a hilarious scene stealer to the psychotic lovable moron that she is now.
I also love King Shark. For a lot of people who turn on this movie, I think this portrayal of King Shark is going to be their first introduction to the character. I personally have been watching him through DC’s “Harley Quinn” show, so this is not my first rodeo with him. I like King Shark in “Harley Quinn,” but I LOOOOOVE him in “The Suicide Squad.” Basically, King Shark in this film is a funnier, raunchier version of Lennie from “Of Mice and Men,” a simple minded, CGI, walking, talking, briefs-wearing shark who will tear you to shreds if you so much as even get close to screwing around with him. At the same time though, James Gunn managed to write this character in such a way that effectively personifies him and makes him relatable. We see throughout the film that yes, he is a man-eating shark that can walk on land for some reason, but he has a rather subversively cute motivation that is nicely explored from start to finish. Also, Sylvester Stallone, you are a god. James Gunn picked you for a reason and you knocked this out of the park.
I also want to talk about John Cena as Peacemaker. I think out of all the characters in the movie, he was the one who I think Gunn did the best job at fleshing out in terms of complexity. Having seen Peacemaker’s costume in the marketing, I was a tad skeptical. Would Cena be too goofy? Would I take him seriously? Not gonna lie, as goofy as the costume looks, it really pops and I was able to take Cena seriously in the film. I sometimes talk about “Blockers” and how much I like that movie. Although one fair critique of that film is that John Cena, as funny and likable as he is, does not have the best range as an actor. I like him in the movie, but I think that is a fair critique. Here, I think James Gunn and John Cena are a perfect match for each other. I mean, look back at “Guardians of the Galaxy” and look at Dave Bautista. Sure, he gave a good performance in the film. It does not mean he’s the best actor. I feel like Bautista and Cena are the muscle of their movies. Their performances in their individual movies differ in ways, but that’s who their well-built characters are at their core. During the film, Cena delivered a lot of funny one liners, including some of the more memorable ones.
“It’s not a toilet seat, it’s a beacon of freedom!”
However, by the end of the film, without going into spoilers, there’s a moment where I could tell that John Cena has some legit acting skills. I felt the exact emotions his character was going through. What emotions exactly? I cannot say. But if you watch this film, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
I will also note for all the parents who want to take their kiddies to the brand new superhero movie that some call “The Suicide Squad,” you may want to think twice, because your kids have probably seen flashy violence in movies like “Batman v. Superman,” painful moments in movies like “Avengers: Infinity War,” but I could only wonder what would prepare your kids for the ultra-gorey and visceral madness that “The Suicide Squad” has to offer. This film is not just violent, it goes over the top in more ways than one. Let me just put it this way. The first act had me laughing and slapping my knees at all the crazy violence going on. That’s the result of a great movie. But the REAL craziness doesn’t even stop there. There’s some real s*it that happens towards the end of the film that no PG-13 film could get away with. It’s basically “Mortal Kombat” in the DC universe!
In fact, one of my critiques for “Birds of Prey,” the DCEU’s first R-rated outing, is that the film, while serviceable, NOT GREAT, but serviceable, has an R-rating attached to it, but I feel like by the end of the film, it does not do much to satisfy its R-rating. “The Suicide Squad” is so mature that it might as well tear the audience to shreds when presented in 3D! So immersive!
Did I mention the soundtrack? Oh yeah, this movie has a good soundtrack! It’s probably just as good as John Murphy’s score! Seriously, by the end, there was a song that gave me goosebumps that I was not expecting from a movie like this! James Gunn chose some songs that not only fit the scenes they were in, but I even think I like this one better than “Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.” Granted, I still think the first “Guardians of the Galaxy” has a better soundtrack than “The Suicide Squad,” but my point stands. The music in this film may as well have been put together by a mastermind!
Supporting the notion that no movie is perfect, let’s talk about one thing that I could consider to be wrong in “The Suicide Squad,” and by wrong, I do not mean that in a huge way, it’s just a slight nitpick. I am not going to get into full details, as this would involve spoilers, but there is a shot in the movie that if you really know how shots and visual effects mix together, it would make *spoiler* feel a bit more predictable. That’s the one nitpick I can come up with aside from one more thing, and again, this is not something that is a turnoff, it’s just something that is noticeable and needs to be addressed.
In 2016’s “Suicide Squad,” which stars Will Smith as Deadshot, that character was a tall, rather hunky dude who wants to reunite with his kid. In 2021’s “The Suicide Squad,” which stars Idris Elba as Bloodsport, that character was a tall, rather hunky dude who wants to reunite with his kid. I know Will Smith was not in this movie for a reason, but still, it’s interesting how they barely changed certain traits about the main character. I mean if it ain’t broke don’t fi– Actually, I take that back, the 2016 “Suicide Squad” was pretty broke to begin with.
There’s not really anything else I can think of that turned me off in this film. Every joke landed. Every kill was satisfying. Every character was likable, and by the end of the film, I feel like everyone earned their destiny. James Gunn has a pure talent for making a film completely action packed and bonkers but also leaving enough room to have heart and soul in it. I started watching “The Suicide Squad” grinning ear to ear and laughing my ass off like a maniac, but by the end of it, I was simply in awe and I felt for all the characters. “Suicide Squad” from five years ago had me walking out saying I want to see more of Harley Quinn. “The Suicide Squad” had me walking out saying I want to see more of not just Harley Quinn, but King Shark, Ratcatcher, Peacemaker, EVEN POLKA DOT MAN… among other characters!
In the end, “The Suicide Squad,” I don’t want to sell it short. It’s the best freaking movie Warner Bros. has put out with a DC logo on it. Simply put, Marvel and Disney firing James Gunn is probably the best thing that ever happened to DC. And as a result, it may be one of the best things to happen in James Gunn’s career as “The Suicide Squad” has now become one of my favorite comic book movies of all time. Guys, I urge you to check this movie out. It is the literal definition of bonkers. It is something so violent, so funny, and yet so heartwarming. I almost wonder if we’ll get another DCEU movie like this again. I am looking forward to what’s coming up in the DCEU between “The Flash,” “Aquaman 2,” and “Shazam!: Fury of the Gods.” But they are following in the footsteps of something completely unique and mind-boggling that I almost wonder what it’s gonna take to top it. James Gunn, you have made a masterpiece, and I am glad to know that my senior quote that I mentioned earlier has been redeemed! I’m going to give “The Suicide Squad” a 10/10!
“The Suicide Squad” is now playing in theaters everywhere, including IMAX, and you can also watch it for free on top of your subscription on HBO Max until early September.
Thanks for reading this review! I just want to remind everyone that at the moment I am currently trying to review all four “Revenge of the Nerds” movies in a brand new review series titled “Revenge of the Nerds: Nerds in Review.” This Monday, August 16th, I will be sharing my thoughts on “Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.” Stay tuned for that as we celebrate Scene Before’s fifth anniversary! Also, I want to remind you all that this weekend, “Free Guy” hits the big screen, but I will probably waiting until sometime next week, maybe even next weekend, perhaps later, to share my thoughts on it. Life’s been crazy and busy, it is what it is. But, I will see it, I will review it, I am looking forward to it. If you want to see all this and more on Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “The Suicide Squad?” What did you think about it? Or, what do you prefer? 2016’s “Suicide Squad?” Or 2021’s “The Suicide Squad?” My answer is pretty obvious, but I’ll let you share your thoughts down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“F9: The Fast Saga,” otherwise known as the egotistical title of the ninth installment of the “Fast & Furious” franchise, is directed by Justin Lin, a veteran director of this ongoing franchise, and stars Vin Diesel (xXx, The Last Witch Hunter), Michelle Rodriguez (Smurfs: The Lost Village, Widows), Jordana Brewster (Dallas, Lethal Weapon), Tyrese Gibson (Transformers, Ride Along 2), Ludacris (Show Dogs, Crash), John Cena (Wipeout, Bumblebee), Nathalie Emmanuel (Game of Thrones, Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials), Sung Kang (Better Luck Tomorrow, Motel), Michael Rooker (Guardians of the Galaxy, Slither), Helen Mirren (RED, Hitchcock), Kurt Russell (Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, The Thing), and Charlize Theron (Bombshell, Atomic Blonde). This film, as recently suggested, is the latest installment to the “Fast & Furious” franchise. The film follows Dom Toretto and his car-obsessed “family” as they take on their latest mission of high-speed hijinks. This time, Dominic must face off against his younger brother Jakob (John Cena) as they reunite after years of separation.
Wow. We’re actually here. The Hollywood machine continues. It is time I update you with my status regarding the “Fast & Furious” franchise. I like all these movies except for maybe 2 and especially not “Tokyo Drift.” The first film is kind of like “Point Break” with cars, but I like it because I enjoy media where we see a ton of customized vehicles and people gathering to street race every now and then. I spent much of my childhood playing racing games so to see a movie like “The Fast and the Furious” out for public viewing is quite fascinating. I will also say, having seen every “Fast & Furious” installment, including “Hobbs & Shaw,” I’ve noticed every movie since the fourth one seems to obviously embrace shark-jumping to some degree. And usually it works. “Fast Five” and “Furious 7” are neck and neck to be my favorite films in this franchise. “The Fate of the Furious,” the eighth movie, was kind of on the brim of top tier crazy where the main characters have to outrun a submarine in ice, but it was still enjoyable, and I was nevertheless attached to the characters. I liked the story where Dom turned his back on his family and the consequences he had to face along the way. I also liked the end of the movie where they paid homage to Paul Walker’s character because the actor passed away before “Furious 7” came out and Dom decided to name his kid Brian. “Hobbs & Shaw” also had some absurd stuff going between Idris Elba being “black Superman” and the skyscraper freefall. But that movie showed great chemistry between the two leads and had some hilarious writing.
Now let’s move onto “F9.” If you know me, you’d know that I have been anxious to see this movie. I’m not saying it was my most anticipated of the year or anything. But when ticket sales were announced, I jumped the gun. I bought my tickets three months in advance to secure my seats (and possibly win a chance to go to the world premiere of the film in Los Angeles).
That was in 2020. But of course, the inevitable happened. The film was delayed, movie theaters shut down, and most big movies had to be put on hold. So even though I did not have “F9” as my top movie to see this year, I did recognize my pent-up desire to see it as the release date got closer. If “Godzilla vs. Kong,” a film with mostly action and little story, taught me anything, I could definitely use a big dumb movie every now and then.
But instead of a big dumb movie, I think I got a braindead one. There are things to like about “F9.” There are some occasional funny lines, although not as many as some previous films, the chemistry between Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris is not bad, and the same can be said for the chemistry between Dom and Letty. These characters have been with us for so many years that returning to a world like this can feel occasionally palatable. But this franchise has become so massively associated with absurdity that I left this movie talking with my dad and I told him, “This movie gave Sharknado ideas.”
There are no stakes in “F9,” at least none that stand out. Yes, there are things that go on in “F9” that could potentially mean life or death. The fast family is on a mission in Central America where they have to investigate a plane and avoid a ton of land mines. Dom reunites with his younger brother, and the two are now rivals. There are some occasional spur of the moment things that come up, but overall, I had no reason to think that any of these characters would not get out of any situation alive. I can think of particular situations where the movie tries to convince me otherwise, but I am watching the movie realizing, these characters are basically superheroes without costumes or actual powers. Are they lucky? Are they aided by gods? I don’t even know! These movies are becoming so ridiculous that they are boggling my mind!
I like Vin Diesel as much the next guy, but I am concerned that this franchise is really going from “Fast & Furious” to “Watch Vin Diesel Grow His Ego.” Dom Toretto is insanely overpowered in this film. There is a scene where he’s fighting at least twenty dudes at once and he beats them all without assistance from another human being. Why? Because he’s Dom Toretto. No other reason. If Vin Diesel has a production credit, you gotta let him have all the spotlight! That’s how things work, right?!
I also find it hilarious that “Fast & Furious” has always been, perhaps beyond a memeable degree, about family, and now apparently we find out Dom has a brother named Jakob. By the way, Jakob is played by John Cena, who quite frankly served his purpose within his role. John Cena has played a number of roles over the years. He is improving his craft, but I still think he’s got a ways to go before he is pristine. Although I do think he’s an okay comedy actor, so if you want my recommendation, dump “F9” in a fire and go watch “Blockers” starring John Cena! Please, it’s a much better movie.
Harkening back to why I found this movie so unwatchably absurd, I was watching a particular moment from the first twenty minutes of the film, where Dom needs to get from one piece of land to another, but he does so in a way that reeks of convenience. Watching certain portions of this movie reminds me of why I make fun of certain commercials. You ever see a car commercial for something like a Nissan and the driver is trying to escape an impending doom where debris is continuously falling behind them? They’re not screaming, they’re not happy, they literally have no emotion whatsoever. While there is definitely more on-screen emotion displayed in “F9,” I feel like I can read the inside of Dom’s mind, and as Dom drives in danger, his mind is almost likely stoic.
I’m not gonna spill every detail about this movie, but if you watched the trailers, you’d notice that “F9” takes some leaps that the franchise almost to my surprise has not taken before. Han, a fan favorite character, is back. The way they address it is like the rest of the movie, it left me confused. I know the “Fast & Furious” franchise is not always meant to be taken seriously, but at least in the past number of movies, they’ve left in some semblance of reality. Remember that scene in “Furious 7” where Dom and Brian are in a car near the top of a skyscraper in Abu Dhabi? They drive that car out of one tall building to another without getting anywhere towards the ground? And because there is apparently no better solution, the duo has to stay in the car driving out of that building and landing into another one? Then they escape the car, letting it fall out of that building to its inevitable crash? Remember that scene? That was the perfect mix of escapism, humor, absurdity, and stakes! Those last two things are important. Because the characters in “F9” have become so invincible that I can no longer take them seriously or root for them to get out of a sticky situation because I already have a preconceived thought that they will make it out even if it means breaking every law of physics in existence ten times in a minute! These movies are beyond reality at this point. They feel like they come from another planet! I don’t mean that in a good way!
Heck, there’s even a scene where we see Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson together and they’re even making fun of how in the past, they’ve been on all these crazy missions and they wondered how they are still alive today. They’ve brought up the same ideas I’ve been talking about. Are they just lucky or invincible? Who knows? Having seen their main sequences in the movie, part of me wants to go with the latter!
I will admit, one thing I kind of sort of liked was seeing the magnet scenes play down. That was one cool idea they had for this movie, where everything in sight just flies around on the street, including cars, onto a moving vehicle. I kind of like the concept and it made for some okay action. I want to say, I have seen other movies where maybe I would throw out the critique, “this movie sounds like it was written by a nine-year old!” That phrase is often used as a negative because I think we as audiences can mostly agree that we want most of our movies to have a semblance of maturity and logic. Turns out, this idea of the film came from the Justin Lin’s son, Oqwe, who happened to be nine-years old. See? Some nine-year olds do have okay ideas! With that being said, I don’t think there’s a better opportunity to say this, “F9” literally sounds like it was written by a nine-year old!
“F9” in a way kind of reminds me of “Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker” because if I have to address a single observation from that movie, it feels like that movie tries extra hard to cater to the fans based on things they address through the Internet. In that movie, we see Luke diss his past self for “disgracing” his own lightsaber, and at the end, we see Rey and Kylo kiss… for… what reason exactly? Here in “F9,” Han is back, and the whole meme about “Fast & Furious” going to space becomes a reality here. The two big wishes I have seen on the Internet regarding “Fast & Furious” have been brought to life in “F9” and it makes me ask, where do they go from here? This movie really put the “Fast” in “Fast & Furious” and ended up blowing its load way too quickly. The only way I can imagine this franchise becoming any dumber is if it crossed over with “Jurassic Park” or “Sharknado.” That’s about it. I do not know at this point if I will be excited for the inevitable “Fast & Furious 10.” This movie has a mid-credits scene that seems to promise something interesting, but until I actually see some material, I am just going to assume at this point that the next movie will be unwatchable. Who knows? Maybe it’ll be more grounded. Maybe the characters will get into some serious trouble. Maybe there will actually be stakes. But until I get a greater glimpse, I cannot do anything at this point but assume that the worst has yet to come.
In the end, unlike the characters who have shown themselves off on screens for years, “F9: The Fast Saga” is nowhere near invincible. “F9: The Fast Saga” is honestly the worst “Fast & Furious” movie since “The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.” That film bored me, felt somewhat out of place in the franchise, and I have not watched it since my first viewing. Much like “Tokyo Drift,” I cannot see myself watching “F9” again anytime soon. Just a reminder, this franchise started out as a “Point Break” wannabe with street racing and people stealing electronics. Now apparently Dominic Toretto is the world’s most badass spy. Just… Because. No other reason. I absolutely hated this movie. I think it is a massive disappointment and it goes way too far in terms of how campy and unrealistic it wants to be. As Hogarth says in “The Iron Giant,” “You are who you choose to be.” Looks like this entire cast chose “Superman.” And frankly, I’m furious. I’m going to give “F9: The Fast Saga” a 3/10.
“F9: The Fast Saga” is now playing in theaters everywhere. It is also available in large formats including Dolby Cinema and IMAX.
Thanks for reading this review! I just want to remind everyone that this week I will be beginning my brand new review series in honor of “Jungle Cruise,” the upcoming film based on the Disney theme park ride, “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Chest of Reviews.” In this series, I will be talking about all five “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies, beginning in chronological order with “The Curse of the Black Pearl” on July 1st and ending with “Dead Men Tell No Tales” on July 29th. Stay tuned, mateys! If you want to see this and more, follow Scene Before either with an email or a WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “F9: The Fast Saga?” What did you think about it? Or, what are some movies you personally enjoy despite acknowledging their stupidity? For me, I’d say “The Meg” and the “Bill & Ted” films come to mind. Let me know your dumb picks down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
WARNING: They said it couldn’t be done. They said it shouldn’t be done. BUT I DID IT ANYWAY! The 2nd Annual Jackoffs is officially longer than The 1st Annual Jackoff Awards. Clocking in with a word count between 12,000 to 13,000. Feel free to take breaks and pauses and come back later if this is a stretch. Enjoy, and happy Jackoffs!
Hey everyone, how you all doing? I’m Jack Drees and it is time for the 2nd Annual Jackoff Awards, the most important blog awards show in history, because it is run by one man with many opinions! Last year, yours truly started a tradition, and this year, it is carried on with new nominees, specifically the best of 2019’s film lineup! And since this thing goes on as long as “The Irishman,” you are all in for a ride!
How does this show work? Each of the movies represented here are all films that I saw in 2019. Keep in mind, if there is a movie here that I did not nominate, there’s a possible chance that I did not see it. Much like many other award shows, individual categories will be presented including Best Sound Editing, Best Costume Design, Best Cinematography, all the way to the pinnacle of the show, Best Picture. A list of nominees will be presented and one will be victorious while others may or may not go home with the shirt on their back. Speaking of which, while all the other award winners will be chosen by me, I have decided once again to let the people speak for the Best Picture category. Upon announcing the nominees, I have decided to put out a poll and have you all choose what you think should win. After all, this list is mostly based on my Top 10 BEST Movies of 2019, therefore if I were choosing Best Picture, it would be partially predictable, and it might not be as significant of a win as opposed to the people’s choice option. The people choice’s last year has led to Disney’s “Avengers: Infinity War” taking home Best Picture last year! So the question is, who will win this year? That will be revealed at the end! Until then, I have to get through the rest of the ceremony, and to do so I am going to start by doing a monologue. Many award shows have one, because without them they would not be as funny or joyful. I am here today to chew bubble gum, and spread some laughs. And I’m all out of bubble gum. It is now time for “Jack Drees Tells Jokes to Others in Order to Please Himself.”
I’m going to state some facts about the year in film, and since there is no audience here, there shall be no laughs. With that in mind, I encourage you to imagine yourself as my only attendee in the crowd. Feel free to laugh, chuckle, boo, fall asleep, even heckle if you please. And I must say, when it comes to 2019 in film, I personally have been impressed with a majority of the films that I have witnessed over these past number of months. Overall, 2019 has been a fine year for movies. Unless you are a wasted spork, killed by the Joker, scared s*itless by Pennywise, stuck in a hurricane in Florida, or trying to run for your life while playing hide and seek.
This first thing should surprise some of you if you lived under a rock these past number of years. The 2010s are now over! Throughout that time you’ve seen, let’s see… um… what was it? SIX “Sharknado” movies? Yeah, it was. Crazy! Also, there was 5 “Spider-Man” movies. 5 “Fast & Furious” movies. 4 “Transformers” movies. 5 “Star Wars” movies. 4 “Avengers” movies. Surprisingly, no “Avatar” sequels. Feels strange.
During last year’s Jackoffs, I talked a little bit about Blockbuster Video and how they have very few stores left. Turns out, I was missing an important piece of the puzzle, because I only talked about Blockbusters in the United States. However, this March, the final Blockbuster in Australia shut their doors for good, making the Blockbuster in Bend, Oregon the last Blockbuster in the world. I would not mind making a trip to that Blockbuster, I’ll probably rent the video game “The Last of Us.”
This year is not just a big year in cinematic history, but it is also a big year for home viewing. Netflix just recently dropped “The Irishman,” which has been nominated for awards including Best Supporting Actor and Best Makeup & Hairstyling. Martin Scorsese does not care if you like or dislike the movie as long as you follow the one rule. Call it “cinema.”
It was suggested that a streaming service floodgate is opening at this point. There’s going to be a new streaming service called Peacock, which is going to be put out by Comcast, which owns NBC and Universal. So if you still have cable, think twice before getting rid of Comcast.
Cause ya might be stuck with them.
HBO Max is going to hit app stores and smart devices this May, which despite having HBO in the name, will partially be focusing on content from other divisions of AT&T-owned Warnermedia. Content from TV channels like TBS, TNT, truTV, along with other divisions of Warnermedia will have a presence on the service. Once again, AT&T owns the platform, so don’t be surprised if the “service” eventually goes down.
One of the biggest entertainment stories of the year is the launch of Disney+, which just came out in November. The service contains old Disney, new Disney, Marvel, Star Wars, National Geographic, Pixar, and more. Their slogan: We know you want to exterminate mice, but why not invite one into your home for $6.99? A-ha!
Marvel announced plans for phase 4 and onward in the MCU. Some highlights include: “Blade,” “Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness,” “Thor: Love and Thunder,” and “Eternals.” Based on details regarding the film’s plot, “Eternals” is going to take place over 7000 years. So… Just short of how long the Marvel Cinematic Universe has been going on in real life!
Speaking of Marvel Studios, Sony, alongside Marvel, will be making a third standalone “Spider-Man” movie starring Tom Holland. It’s going to be called “Spider-Man: With Unlimited Reboots and Sequels Come Unlimited Possibilities.”
Speaking of “Spider-Man,” otherwise known as the real-life movie equivalent of “The Neverending Story,” A sequel to the 2018 critically acclaimed animated film “Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse” was announced to release in April of 2022. Just in the time that it has taken for me to announce all of this, Sony has already announced ten sequels, a reboot, and a crossover with Tom Hardy’s “Venom.”
“Spider-Man: Far from Home” is now officially the highest-grossing Sony film of all time! Just in the time that it has taken for me to announce this, Sony has already announced a “Spider-Gwen” film, a Tobey Maguire/Andrew Garfield crossover, and a “Night Monkey” spinoff!
“Avengers: Endgame” became one of the biggest box office hits in history, earning over $2 billion, being the fastest film to reach $1 billion, the fastest to reach $2 billion, and having the biggest worldwide opening weekend. As of right now, they are ahead of James Cameron’s “Avatar” as the highest-grossing film of all time. How did they do that? I’m pretty sure Bob Iger and everyone at Disney snapped the Infinity Gauntlet to generate money. Gotta pay those electric bills.
Speaking of Disney and Bob Iger, one of the highlights for amusement parks this year is the new “Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge,” which just opened this May at Disneyland and also this August at Disney World. And because it’s Disney, it can cost some an arm and a leg to get in. But don’t worry, just find the nearest lightsaber and you’re good to go!
If you are an adult, don’t like “Star Wars,” or hate going to amusement parks in general, let me just remind you, “Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge” is alcohol-friendly. But don’t drink too much, because some side effects include: a willingness to force choke others, NOT TO MENTION yourself, and a willingness to watch “Star Wars: The Holiday Special.” Also, based on recent events, Disney has also outlawed drunk pod-racing.
Upon the opening of the attraction, Deadline Hollywood has pointed out that “Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge” is a “wildly immersive experience.” Now I can’t say I have been there myself, but this probably suggests one thing. The Stormtroopers there always try to shoot you, but don’t worry! THEY MISS EVERY TIME!
To say Disney did not have record-breaking year would be an absolute lie. From their performance in 2020, Disney’s the first studio to achieve a combined box office return of $10 billion on all of their released films. Who knows what they’ll do with that money? Probably something that highly associates with the company… Maybe they’ll scientifically create a genie. Maybe they’ll build a Mickey Mouse-shaped Death Star. Maybe they’ll just let it go.
I did not see “Frozen 2” by the way, just saying. You know, in case it matters.
Even though Netflix is a popular choice for home viewers, they have recently been expanding their cinematic palette. In fact, just this year, plans were announced to buy a movie theater on Hollywood Boulevard in Los Angeles, California! Yeah, in April, it was announced that Netflix was seeking a purchase of Grauman’s Egyptian Theater! And with Netflix being Netflix, they will put a movie in there for about a year, only to have everyone complain once they finally get rid of it!
Following in the steps of programs like AMC Stubs A-List, Cinemark Movie Club, and Showcase Subscribe, one of the popular movie theater chains in the United States, Regal Entertainment Group has just unveiled their new moviegoing subscription service called Regal Unlimited. And by Unlimited, Regal means unlimited trailers. Maybe you’ll get a movie or two.
In all seriousness though, the program comes with various perks. For somewhere between $18 to $23.50 per month, you can watch as many movies as you want in Regal locations nationwide. And from anywhere between $0 to a $250,000 fine plus jail time, you can PIRATE as many movies as you want. You decide for yourself.
If you are a Regal Unlimited customer, chances are you used it to go see a flick or two, maybe even three. One such example… is “Cats.” “Cats,” a $95 million film, struggled at the box office. Many people have been disappointed with “Cats,” making this a loss for Universal, but a win for mice.
According to Taylor Swift, who plays a role in “Cats,” the cast attended “Cat School,” where you would learn the ways of a cat and how to behave like a cat. This is real! Apparently the “Cats” cast would adapt to crawling on fours, and get this, I think this is the best part… SNIFFING AND LICKING EACH OTHER! That’s one way to see if your senses work.
Also, apparently Taylor Swift graduated early compared to other actors. According to Rolling Stone, alternate cast members Francesca Hayward and Robbie Fairchild attended for six weeks whereas Taylor Swift attended for one week because based on the words given by, get this… Cat School professor Sarah Dowling, “Taylor is a natural cat.” Now that’s a breakup worth singing about!
When it comes to actors, one person who has had a hit year is Scarlett Johansson, who had appeared early on in the record-breaking “Avengers: Endgame,” and was eventually shown in other acclaimed films including “Jojo Rabbit” and “Marriage Story.” I personally love her in “Marriage Story,” I think she gave a great performance in that film. The film makes you feel like Black Widow is divorcing you! It’s that good! All she needs to do is kick her potential ex-husband in the face, maybe change her hair once or twice, and boom! Black Widow movie!
Scarlett Johansson also made a controversial comment earlier this year saying “You know, as an actor I should be able to play any person, or any tree, or any animal, because as an actor, that’s my job and the requirements of my job.” Never thought I’d say this, but if anybody is looking to reboot “Guardians of the Galaxy,” you now know who to contact for an audition. She is Groot! #SheIsGroot!
“1917” has received several nominations including Best Cinematography, Best Production Design, and Best Picture. Have any of you seen that movie? The film is designed to look like it is all done in one shot. Yeah, one shot is also the number of chances I have tell you that “Moonlight” won Best Picture tonight.
“Joker,” a case study on the iconic “Batman” villain is the first R-rated film to surpass the $1 billion mark. It has received a number of nominations including Best Film Editing, Best Actor, Best Costume Design, and Best Production Design. Think twice before showing this comic book movie to your kids, because the film is “rated R for strong bloody violence, disturbing behavior, language and brief sexual images.” Those are all solid reasons, but they also forgot to list the fact that the Joker suggests that it is okay to dance like crazy down the stairs! “Mom! Look at me! I’m doing the Joker dance!” “That’s great kiddo, now do it with scissors!”
In “Joker,” there is a scene where the title character dances on an exterior stairwell. This scene was shot on an actual stairwell on West 167th street in the Bronx area of New York City. Due to the success of “Joker,” tourists have come to visit the iconic stairs, leaving locals in dismay. One local resident said in regards to this matter, “we feel disrespected.” The only way residents would be more disrespected by this, is if it were revealed that the tourists were all Red Sox fans.
“The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part” released last February, which has received a Best Animated Feature nomination for this ceremony! If “The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part” loses the Best Animated Feature award during the show, they will have bricked it.
Too soon? Too soon.
“Toy Story 4” was also nominated for Best Animated Feature! “Toy Story 4” introduces a disposable spork character named Forky, who desires to end up in the trash. If “Toy Story 4” wins tonight, in honor of this, I’ll congratulate all the other nominees, but then note that when compared to “Toy Story 4,” they are TRRRRAAAASH!
“Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw” was one of the biggest box office hits of the past year! “Hobbs & Shaw” is also the title of the anticipated remake “Dude, Where’s My Flying Car?”
Although speaking of “Hobbs and Shaw,” some of you may have gathered that the crew behind the film worked very hard to give audiences the most bombastic and enjoyable popcorn flick of the summer. Between Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, director David Leitch, among others, they brought their A game to delivering a proper blockbuster. The film definitely does its best to be an entertaining ride, but there was something I couldn’t help but notice. A lot of vehicles get destroyed. Now this would have made for a really good collaborative ad campaign. In fact, one company in particular, unbeknownst to the public, approached the fine folks behind “Hobbs and Shaw” and agreed to make a commercial partially using footage from the movie that would air on television. Unfortunately, however, that commercial never made it on the air. And honestly, I’m kinda disappointed, because I had a chance to witness the ad and it was almost Super Bowl-worthy. In fact, courtesy of the people who made the ad, I was able to get ahold of it to reveal what you all have been missing! Guys, I hope you enjoy the commercial, take a look.
This is a ceremony dedicated to honoring film as a collective realm. As one who has been a part of multiple productions, I understand how hard it is to make a film. This is why I wanted to take this time to at least shout out each film from 2019 I have seen as of nominating all of the films for this current ceremony. Let’s take a look back at what Jack Drees saw in 2019.
The Upside
Serenity
The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part
Fighting with My Family
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
Captain Marvel
Us
The Man Who Killed Don Quixote
Shazam!
Apollo 11
Avengers: Endgame
Long Shot
Pokemon: Detective Pikachu
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
Cold Pursuit
Booksmart
The Kid Who Would be King
Godzilla: King of the Monsters
Rocketman
Men in Black: International
Replicas
Toy Story 4
The Secret Life of Pets 2
Stuber
Spider-Man: Far from Home
Yesterday
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood
Alita: Battle Angel
Missing Link
Midsommar
Crawl
Ready or Not
The Haunting of Sharon Tate
Blinded by the Light
Dora and the Lost City of Gold
IT: Chapter Two
Brightburn
Ad Astra
Black and Blue
The Fanatic
Joker
Isn’t It Romantic?
Zombieland: Double Tap
Countdown
Jexi
Parasite
The Lighthouse
Last Christmas
Honey Boy
Jojo Rabbit
Ford v Ferrari
Knives Out
Dark Waters
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Uncut Gems
Jumanji: The Next Level
The Peanut Butter Falcon
Cats
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
The Aeronauts
The Irishman
Marriage Story
Late Night
Spies in Disguise
1917
Little Women
The Farewell
Judy
The Report
A big and hearty congratulations to those who made the films audiences everywhere went to see in 2019. Apologies if I missed something, but I am pretty sure I got all of the movies I saw. Without further ado, let’s announce some winners!
First up, is Best Animated Feature. These are the films that many families went to see to escape from reality, and I mean that in every sense of the word. After all, with these films, once the lights go down, you instantly leave your own big wide world, to enter alternate vast worlds of talking branded plastic pieces, living toys, and high-flying dragons. Within each one of these worlds, it is the lessons that we take, both as kids and adults that will have these stories stand the test of time. Maybe in some ways, their worlds of imagination, are just like our reality. Here are the nominees for Best Animated Feature!
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (Dean DeBlois, Bradford Lewis, Bonnie Arnold)
The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part (Jinko Gotoh, Roy Lee, Dan Lin, Phil Lord, Christopher Miller)
Missing Link (Chris Butler, Travis Knight, Arianne Sutner)
Spies in Disguise (Peter Chernin, Jenno Topping, Michael J. Travers)
Toy Story 4 (Josh Cooley, Mark Nielsen, Jonas Rivera)
And the Jackoff goes to…
“How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World!”
“How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World” is an animated masterpiece. Director Dean DeBlois has officially closed the book on the “How to Train Your Dragon” trilogy with an absolute bang and it shows with the everlasting fun this film can deliver. One thing that makes movies what they are is the experiences they can provide. DreamWorks animated films have been around for about two full decades now, and they have had a number of hits. “Shrek,” “Shrek 2,” “Madagascar,” “Kung Fu Panda,” “Megamind,” “Kung Fu Panda 2,” but if you ask a lot of people what they think the best DreamWorks franchise is, there is a chance that “How to Train Your Dragon” will be a contender. As this franchise has evolved, so have details in the animation, the hidden world sequence in this film shows off a dragon land beyond the imagination. Ending off everything with an emotionally satisfying note, “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World” is a movie that made this guy cry, but just like a dragon, he was ready to fly. Congrats to “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World,” the third, and maybe final, “How to Train Your Dragon” flick.
Speaking of visual animation, one of the most controversial subject matters that has been addressed in the film cycle of 2019 is the art of visual effects. In July, Disney’s live-action remake of “The Lion King” has lead many of its viewers scratching their heads because despite often being labeled as a live-action remake, others would say that since almost everything in that film has been made on a computer, it is within the animation genre. I did not see “The Lion King” this year, but regardless, it is something to think about. Similarly, Paramount’s “Sonic the Hedgehog” received criticism for its visual design of the titular speedy character, which prompted the crew behind that film to get back to work after the first trailer dropped. But one thing that is not controversial is that these are the nominees for Best Visual Effects. And they are…
Ad Astra
Alita: Battle Angel
Avengers: Endgame
Spider-Man: Far from Home
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
And the Jackoff goes to…
“Alita: Battle Angel!”
The film “Alita: Battle Angel” is based off a manga series, and like the live-action redo of “Ghost in the Shell,” which comes from similar origins, “Alita: Battle Angel” as a visual story jumps off the screen to the point where its own future feels not only possible, but in some ways, desirable. “Alita: Battle Angel” does what films of its kind do best, immerse the audience with an experience that is as glamorous as much as it fills a hole by providing good old fast-paced entertainment. James Cameron has a credit for this film, and it is no surprise considering how much he is revered in the visual effects space of film. “Alita: Battle Angel” is as visually compelling as an intense game of Motorball. To all who have visually designed this film to its finest detail, pat yourselves on the back. Well done!
Now it is time for a segment that will be occurring ten times throughout the show, where we take a break from awarding, and show trailers for this year’s Best Picture nominees. The first one shall be revealed in just one second, but here is a description of what this first movie encompasses.
Marriage. Dealing with in-laws. Graphic violence. These are core elements of some of the Best Picture nominees here at this current ceremony. Although, this film has all three of those things. As Fox Searchlight celebrated its 25th anniversary, these characters celebrated togetherness in one moment, and then engaged in a hunt to kill within the next. Yours truly dubbed this film as “The Greatest Hide and Seek Story Ever Told.” After all, the film follows a newly married woman as she is forced to play Hide and Seek, with a sinister twist. Starring Samara Weaving as Grace, it is her objective to survive to the end while avoiding her recently established tradition-based in-laws who must eliminate their newcomer to the family if they too want to continue their own lives. Nominated for 5 Jackoff awards, THIS is “Ready or Not!”
“Ready or Not:” the perfect film to watch with your in-laws.
The next two categories are dedicated to sound. To specify, sound editing and sound mixing. Just like last year, sound editing will be presented first considering how sound editing is a process that comes earlier when making a film. As mentioned in 2019, one way to remember this is that E comes before M. These five movies have the best overall sound collections of the past year, and whether they are explosions, gunshots, or lightsabers, each one pulled the audience into the world of their respective films with ease. Here are the nominees for Best Sound Editing.
1917
Alita: Battle Angel
Ford v Ferrari
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
And the Jackoff goes to…
“Ford v Ferrari!”
It’s official, “Ford v Ferrari” has received its first award show equivalent to the first sight of a checkered flag during a race! Personally, I experienced “Ford v Ferrari” in a large IMAX theater, allowing me to put myself in an atmosphere full of fast cars, Coca-Cola everywhere, and if you had to ask me what the best part of my experience was, it was undoubtedly the eargasmic sound work put into the film. Some people will tell you to wait for a movie to come out on DVD or On Demand and skip out on the theatrical experience, which I disagree with because the theater makes ANY movie better. That’s just a fact. With that being said, if you all have not seen “Ford v Ferrari” in a theatrical setting, you’re doing yourself a disservice and missing out on some of the most energetic racing scenes ever, and part of it has to do with the killer audio. “Ford v Ferrari” may be a rivalry story, but your ears will not be rivaled by the contents of this film!
Piggybacking off of sound editing, it is now time to move onto sound mixing. This category is dedicated to the artists who have turned up the volume, raised the decibel levels, and blown the roof off the place. These are the nominees for Best Sound Mixing.
1917
Alita: Battle Angel
Avengers: Endgame
Ford v Ferrari
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
And the Jackoff goes to…
“Ford v Ferrari!”
This is “Ford v Ferrari’s” second win meaning a couple things. First off, it has officially dominated the sound categories! Quite honestly, this should not come off as that big of a shocker. This is a film that is clearly designed for the big screen, meant to be obnoxious and immersive in every way, and it is beautifully pulled off. I have never been to a NASCAR race in my life, and I have no intention on going to one in the near future, but I am not going to deny that “Ford v Ferrari” absolutely feels like a NASCAR experience in a cinema. Not only are sounds for this film wonderfully implemented through conceptual thinking, but they also are leveled properly and add to the film’s fast pace. Congratulations to “Ford v Ferrari,” how many more awards will it get? It is too early to tell, but it has currently two of the awards it was nominated for. If it wins Best Supporting Actor and Best Picture, it will have won all the awards it was recognized for. But for now, a hearty congrats to “Ford v Ferrari,” the overall sound king of 2019.
Our second Best Picture nominee is a tale of class. Not only is it a classy motion picture from start to finish, but it highlights the differences between the thriving rich and barely surviving poor. The film follows a family who is trying to make ends meet, and miraculously manages to do so each and every day. As they begin to become a centerpiece of a rich family’s life, their own lives begin to alter. It is a twisty and turny ride to the very end. Brilliantly directed by Bong Joon Ho, it is a film that makes you, as an audience member wonder, how much planning went into it from the first draft, to the final cut. But for all we know, maybe there was not much planning in the first place. As Kang Ho-Song’s character Kim Ki-taek suggests, there is one kind of plan that never fails at all. The plan being… “No plan. No plan at all.” Nominated for 7 Jackoff awards, THIS is “Parasite.”
When a concept falls into place, it must be met with a proper setting. Similarly, when a design of an area or structure on paper or on a computer falls into place, it must be met with a proper set. They say that in life, looks are not everything, but a proper background and utilized sense of surroundings will always pack an extra punch into making a great film. Here are the nominees for Best Production Design.
1917 (Dennis Gassner)
Joker (Mark Friedberg, Kris Moran)
Knives Out (David Crank)
Parasite (Ha-jun Lee)
Ready or Not (Andrew M. Stearn)
And the award goes to…
Dennis Gassner for “1917!”
Now, if this were a film that was presented like any other, this would probably have a decrease in its chances of winning, but keep in mind that not only did set design matter in terms of how compelling the movie itself could turn out, but how it was shot. “1917” is meant to look as if it is all done in one shot, making set design that much harder to accomplish and perfect. The main purpose of a set like this, at least if I were to build it, is to provoke a sense of detail and believability. If I as a viewer am not able to buy the “1917” set, then why am I watching the movie? However, the designers pulled it off and put yours truly into war. This is a sentence meant to be stated in the best possible way. Well done to Dennis Gassner, the production designer of “1917!”
Moving onto costume design, fun for Halloween, but a lifestyle for the makers of films. These five nominated costume designers have taken the following traits into account: Authenticity, detail, and glamour. It is the work of the costume designer that allows an actor to embody their character, because without them, there’s a good chance we’d be just be watching pornography. It’s the truth. Here are the nominees for Best Costume Design.
The Aeronauts (Alexandra Byrne)
Joker (Mark Bridges)
Knives Out (Jenny Eagan)
Little Women (Jacqueline Durran)
Ready or Not (Avery Plewes)
And the Jackoff award goes to…
Jacqueline Durran for “Little Women!”
Durran has been recognized over the years for many of her costume-related achievements. Some include 2017’s “Beauty and the Beast,” 2006’s “Pride and Prejudice,” 2017’s “Darkest Hour,” and she even did another noteworthy film this year, “1917,” which to be fair, did fairly well in this category, but only five films can make the cut. “Little Women” has had many media adaptations over the years, meaning there have been multiple interpretations of the cultural hit many would call a book. From Greta Gerwig’s personal touch to the well-thought-out filming locations to the chemistry provided between actors like Saoirse Ronan, Florence Pugh, and Emma Watson, it is no surprise that “Little Women” is a film that is fairly attentive to detail, which also shows in the realistic and gorgeous costumes worn by many of the film’s actors. Congratulations to Jacqueline Durran!
Our third Best Picture nominee is a love letter and tribute to the film industry of old, created from the visionary mind of Quentin Tarantino, one of film’s most ecstatic fans. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio as an actor, and Brad Pitt as his stunt double, it is a film displaying the decline of said actor, not to mention the alteration of his own industry. Taking place in the 1960s era of Hollywood, the film is a lively, fine display of Californian culture that is slightly interrupted with gory violence and bloody scenes. Above all, the film is a reminder of friendship, ageism, and the fact that Quentin Tarantino… REALLY likes feet. Nominated for 6 Jackoff awards, THIS is “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.”
Just a fair warning before I present the next category, two of the movies represented here feature main characters who happen to be clowns. So if you want to avoid having night terrors, look away now in case one of those movies win. But believe me, they look good in make up, alongside three other films. Here are the nominees for Best Makeup & Hairstyling!
The Aeronauts (Jacqueline Bhavnani)
The Irishman (Sean Flanigan, Nicki Ledermann)
Joker (Nicki Ledermann and Kay Georgiou)
Judy (Jeremy Woodhead)
IT: Chapter Two (Sean Sansom, Shane Zander, Iantha Goldberg)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Nicki Ledermann and Kay Georgiou for “Joker!”
Fun fact, “Joker” is the first R-rated film to gross over $1 billion at the box office! Based on the iconic DC Comics character, he has been through multiple visions over the years from numerous actors, and given how this film takes place in a depressing time where nobody has hope, Joker himself can not be more appropriately designed. Now, “IT: Chapter Two” was nominated, which is an earned nomination. Pennywise’s makeup is incredibly well done and I will say other characters like Beverly looked appealing. Then again, it’s Jessica Chastain, she looks appealing no matter the situation. But between the two clown movies, “Joker” pops the balloons with gunshots and comes out on top. Ledermann and Georgiou, clown around!
Our next category is for Best Original Score, where by the way, John Williams has been nominated for the one millionth, five-hundred fifty-seventh thousandth, and second time in any of the award shows that he has been in! This should not however take away from the other artists who have created their own pieces of modern music people listen to not containing Taylor Swift’s breakups or what happened after you took a DNA test. Here are the nominees for Best Original Score.
Avengers: Endgame (Alan Silvestri)
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (John Powell)
Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (John Williams)
Uncut Gems (Daniel Lopatin)
Us (Michael Abels)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Alan Silvestri for “Avengers: Endgame!”
Here’s the truth about the Marvel Cinematic Universe movies. Over the years, yours truly has praised the MCU for the visual effects, the action, and its tendency to properly develop the stories of many of its characters. One lackluster element of many MCU films in my personal opinion has been the original score. While sometimes effective, it’s often nothing I want to listen to by myself the next day. Although in the past, films like “Iron Man 3” have been an exception with a hum-worthy and grand theme. And with Alan Silverstri in command, his work on both “Avengers: Infinity War” and “Avengers: Endgame” are both some of his absolute best, not to mention some of the all-time best in Marvel’s respective universe. If the Detective Comics Extended Universe had done one thing better than its Marvel competitor, it’s creating great original music from artists like Hans Zimmer (Man of Steel) and Rupert Gregson-Williams (Wonder Woman). However, with Silvestri’s previous efforts given in “Infinity War” and “Endgame,” it makes me think the scores have potential to be more memorable down the road. Will they be? We’ll have to see with films like “Black Widow” and “Eternals” hitting theaters this year. Congratulations to Alan Silvestri, your achievement must have been inevitable!
I have one shot to tell you what this fourth Best Picture nominee is, so I am not going to waste any time. It is a simple story involving two men at war who need to get from point A to point B with one thought in mind. Just don’t die. For these two, it is their mission to send a message in order to save sixteen-hundred men. Shot by last year’s Lifetime Achievement Award winner Roger Deakins, this film presents a concept lacking complexity, but fully displaying brutality. Perhaps one of the most innovative additions to the war film genre, Sam Mendes has written, directed, and produced a technical masterpiece that may, like World War I was supposed to, end all technical masterpieces. I personally hope there’s more to come, but you cannot deny how much work went into this piece of art. Nominated for 6 Jackoff awards, THIS is “1917.”
During last year’s Jackoffs, one of the pieces of work introduced was something I like to call “Film Improvements,” it is where I take a piece or a clip of a movie, in last year’s case it would involve films from 2018, and slightly alter it to maybe make it better or more meaningful than it already is. This year I have decided to revisit the concept given how no film is perfect. “Jaws” has a fake looking shark, “The Wizard of Oz” has a random bucket of water that can take out the Wicked Witch, and “Star Wars,” ironically, does not have stars fighting for supremacy. No film is perfect, but why not make the imperfect better? Here is my latest edition of “Film Improvements.”
Last year, I presented THIS award first, but now I need reasons to SUPPORT why I am putting this award here. Why am I doing this? Because it is my show and I can do whatever the hell I want! That’s a reason to support my statement! But let’s talk about supporting actors. Just because they are not at the forefront does not suggest they are any less important compared to other characters on screen. Between helping our main characters further unravel the story and meaning of the film and delivering a sense of charisma I would like to see from those who supported me in my life, the supporting actors of 2019 have broken their legs while audiences everywhere settle their legs on a chair. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actor!
Tom Hanks (A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood)
Tracy Letts (Ford v Ferrari)
Shia LeBeouf (Honey Boy)
Al Pacino (The Irishman)
Brad Pitt (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Brad Pitt for “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood!”
Pitt excels in his performance to a degree that I am unable to comprehend. Adding quirky flair and tons of personality, Brad Pitt plays one of the best characters who killed their wife I have ever seen, all the while having me in stitches and in an everlasting smile! What really sells Pitt’s character is his tendency to be charismatic and well-paced. Between the chemistry he brings to the table as Cliff Booth alongside main character Rick Dalton (Leonardo DiCaprio) and the perfect delivery of lines given to him in the scene where he trips on acid, Booth plays one of this year’s funniest characters and does so in true Quentin Tarantino fashion. There is a reason why additional supporting actor Timothy Olyphant suggested, “I’d never leave my wife for another woman. But there’s a chance, I might leave her for Brad Pitt.” Congratulations to Brad Pitt, and because he won the award, here is a clip of Brad Pitt’s performance in “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.”
But of course, you cannot have a Best Supporting Actor category without a Best Supporting Actress category. The five supporting actresses represented here have delivered lines with excellence, portrayed their characters with proficiency, and fulfilled the director’s vision by embodying the spirit of the film. Here are the nominees for Best Supporting Actress!
Shuzhen Zhao (The Farewell)
Scarlett Johansson (Jojo Rabbit)
Toni Collette (Knives Out)
Laura Dern (Marriage Story)
Annette Bening (The Report)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Laura Dern for “Marriage Story!”
Dern has been a prolific actor in recent years appearing in films such as “Star Wars: The Last Jedi,” “Downsizing,” “The Founder,” and she’s even done some notable TV work as well including “Big Little Lies” and “F Is for Family.” However, there is no denying that when it comes to “Marriage Story,” Dern provides an overall fantastic presence as her character of Nora Fanshaw. A lawyer who needs to defend her client, Nicole, who is currently going through her divorce. Not only does Dern play an appropriate character for the role at hand, but she does so with the most proper of possible mannerisms and her attitude is top notch to the point where it matches the character’s personality. If there is one strong point to talk about in “Marriage Story,” it is in all likelihood, the acting. Three of the film’s actors are nominated as part of this ceremony, and tying in with “Knives Out,” “Marriage Story” has the most acting nominations at this year’s ceremony! To be specific, 3 in total. Congrats to Laura Dern, and with that being said, here is a clip of Laura Dern in “Marriage Story.”
Our fifth Best Picture nominee is inspired by true events and stars its own writer, Shia LeBeouf. Originally conceived during Shia LeBeouf’s personal experience in rehab, the film goes over the struggles of having an abusive parent. It not only dives into a series of hard times during childhood, but it reveals the after effects once the abused child reaches a certain age. As the feature-length debut given to us by Alma Har’el, this first-time directorial effort comes off like a culmination of somebody’s life’s work. Slight digression, but I will also make the argument that this nominee may have the all-time greatest film shot featuring pie. Nominated for 4 Jackoffs, THIS is “Honey Boy.”
It is now time for this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award. As promised last year, the recipient of last year’s Lifetime Achievement Award will officially have future Lifetime Achievement Awards named after them, so this year, I am going to be presenting the Roger Deakins Lifetime Achievement Award! Also like last year, I did not plan a video in advance for the winner. In fact, this is as spontaneous as a Lifetime Achievement Award can possibly get. Of course, there will also be another Lifetime Achievement Award, specifically presented to someone who is no longer with us, but has been graceful through the many years of the art of filmmaking.
The winner of the 2020 Roger Deakins Award is a BAFTA Winner, a Golden Globe Winner, an Emmy winner, and an Oscar nominee. He is an actor who has been in the business since the 1970s, making his prominent field debut in a short known as “The Hat Act.” He would eventually go on to embody iconic characters in many classic films. Some include Carl Specklar in “Caddyshack,” John from “Stripes,” Dr. Peter Venkman from “Ghostbusters,” and eventually recapturing the magic of a character like Bosley in “Charlie’s Angels,” not to mention Baloo in 2016’s “The Jungle Book.” He also played Phil in “Groundhog Day.” He also played Phil in “Groundhog Day.” He also played Phil in “Groundhog Day.” He also played Phil in “Groundhog Day.” He also played Phil in “Groundhog Day.” It’s a movie where Phil lives the same day over and over again. The man has lived long enough to play himself in films like “Space Jam” and “Zombieland,” where he was not afraid to suck the brains out of his own work in “Garfield,” which he must hate more than Mondays. He has a proper relationship in the business with director Wes Anderson, appearing in all of his films with the exception of “Bottle Rocket,” Anderson’s independent debut. Films like “Rushmore,” “Fantastic Mr. Fox,” “The Grand Budapest Hotel,” and “Isle of Dogs.” If there’s something gold, and it really looks good, who ya gonna call? BILL MURR-AY! This year’s Roger Deakins award is given to the one, the only, Bill Murray!
If this were a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award, Bill Murray would definitely be slimed, but since it is the Jackoffs, it is my pleasure to simply hand over the gold. Congratulations to Bill Murray, a man of talent, humor, and charisma. This year he is appearing in “Ghostbusters: Afterlife,” so hopefully his work will continue to represent an amazing level of quality.
One of the most popular types of films over the previous decade has been the superhero and comic book movie. I am willing to bet that a lot of people who go to see these movies enjoy them, but don’t read the comic books. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course. Comic book movies have been, and with the ongoing success of say the Marvel Cinematic Universe, will continue to be a major force in the industry. This past fall, I took a trip to one of my local comic book shops by the name of Harrison’s Comics, located in the historic and spooky Salem, MA, and interviewed the owner. I figured, comic book films are the thing right now, but why not get in touch with someone who surrounds himself with more than just the movies, more than just the TV shows on networks like CW. Here is my interview with Larry Harrison, the owner of Harrison’s Comics.
I just want to continue on from this with a true story. Before I even did the interview, I figured I’d get Larry a gift card to thank him for his participation. I had no clue what he would say to the questions I gave him, but he clearly represented himself as someone who does not buy anything digitally. I should have thought of that before giving him a card from Amazon. I swear to you this is true, I told him I got him a gift card, I had an envelope prepared and everything. I told him to just be prepared for what I’m about to give him, because based on recent utterances, he might throw the gift out the window! I even took the liberty of OPENING THE ENVELOPE FOR LARRY instead of letting him do it himself! I felt like a “Price is Right” model! I then take the letter out, open it, reveal the gift card, and being a classy dude and good sport, he just goes, “You know who’d like this, my wife.” Special thanks to Larry Harrison, and let me know if you need a new gift card in the future.
Our sixth Best Picture nominee is the only animated film on the list and the concluding chapter to one of DreamWorks’ most beloved franchises. When a city full of humans and dragons becomes overpopulated, it is up to its citizens to find a new home where everyone can thrive. At the same time, the vicious dragon hunter Grimmel will not stop until he captures the Night Fury audiences everywhere have come to know over the years. Throughout, viewers witnessed a story of companionship and growth, to the point where the film reveals that sometimes it is best to let things go. Stunningly animated and full of emotion, it is a step in the right direction for DreamWorks, not to mention their new parent company, Universal, who made this film together to kick off their partnership. Nominated for 5 Jackoff awards, THIS is “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World.”
Our next two categories of awards belong to screenplays. Specifically, adaptations and originals. Starting off with the adaptation category, it is the job of the writers behind these screenplays to take preexisting material and define it for a specific era. It is also their job to continue the stories and traditions that may go far back from generation to generation, bringing said material to the forefront for our current generation. These five nominees have put a little originality or vision into the works of several storytelling gods. Here are the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay!
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (Micah Fitzerman-Blue, Noah Harpster)
Blinded by the Light (Sarfraz Manzoor, Gurinder Chadha, Paul Mayeda Berges)
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (Dean DeBlois)
Jojo Rabbit (Taika Waititi)
Joker (Todd Phillips, Scott Silver)
And the award goes to…
Taika Waititi for “Jojo Rabbit!”
One of the most prolific people in the film industry right now is Taika Waititi. The dude can act, he can direct, he can write, he can do all sorts of things! “Jojo Rabbit” earned its nomination, not to mention its win for basically packing in all sorts of genres within one movie and doing so effectively. It’s a satirical comedy where Adolf Hitler just happens to be a scene stealer! It’s a coming of age tale about a young boy who is raised in Nazi Germany! It’s a tragic war story! And if none of those elements came together and worked like a charm, this movie would not be getting the praise it deserves. Taika Waititi, you have outdone yourself! And even though I failed to nominate you for your performance as Hitler, that was a killer portrayal! Well done!
As for original screenplays, it is the job of the writer of said projects to create something innovative, magical, and something beyond the imagination. But much like adapted screenplays, it is also the job of the writer to trigger emotion, reactions, and attention. These five nominees have adapted a style to be original. Here are the nominees for Best Original Screenplay!
Honey Boy (Shia LeBeouf)
Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach)
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Quentin Tarantino)
Parasite (Bong Joon Ho, Jin Won Han)
Ready or Not (Guy Busick, R. Christopher Murphy)
And the award goes to…
Guy Busick and R. Christopher Murphy for “Ready or Not!”
“Ready or Not” is my #1 favorite film of the year 2019 for many reasons, and part of it has to do with the bonkers script that takes a crazy concept and turns it into gold! How many times have all of you seen a movie where a couple gets married and has to play a game to get the newcomer to join the family? The game, hide and seek! As a horror, the movie is suspenseful and scary! As a comedy, it’s hilarious! As something that falls in the mystery genre, it is absolutely brilliant! “Ready or Not” has a sense of consistency to the end, making my second viewing of the film very fun. The characters all have phenomenal chemistry, even when there is absolute hell going down. Well done to the writers of “Ready or Not,” you kept me on the edge of my seat in a way very few films this year did!
Our seventh Best Picture nominee is the perfect film to watch with your family. I say so because it does highlight a lot of what can go on during a family gathering. Maybe you’ll fight to the point where you want to murder somebody… Maybe you’ll want to leave with somebody else to avoid all sorts of chaos… Maybe you’ll tell everyone around you to eat s*it because you hate them so much, there’s so much truth to this film! Anyway, helmed by Rian Johnson, this original murder mystery is likely to entertain the many viewers who tune in, but let’s just hope it does not make them hate time with their loved ones. With an ensemble including Daniel Craig, Jamie Lee Curtis, Toni Collette, Christopher Plummer, and Chris Evans, this film contains many actors who have established their name, all the while making this film as SHARP as it could be. Nominated for 7 Jackoff awards, THIS is “Knives Out.”
The Jackoff Awards are meant to be a celebratory event. With that being said, one of the biggest film news stories of 2019 is that the Academy Awards was going to potentially avoid presenting Best Film Editing and Best Cinematography live and instead, present them during the commercial breaks and show them to home viewers later on. That did not sit well with people, especially those in the industry, so the Academy quickly backtracked on the idea. I can officially confirm that at this year’s Jackoffs, all categories are presented equally. This even includes my next categories, the recently mentioned Best Film Editing and Best Cinematography. As for these next five nominees, they have officially established themselves… as cut gems. Here are the nominees for Best Film Editing.
Joker (Jeff Groth)
John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum (Evan Schiff)
Marriage Story (Jennifer Lame)
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (Fred Raskin)
Parasite (Jinmo Yang)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Jinmo Yang for “Parasite!”
The movie “Parasite” is no joke whatsoever. It is EVERYTHING that you all have heard. It’s creative, brilliant, and top-notch! As for the editing, this is something I failed to appreciate for a little bit, but the reality is that this contains one of the most well-put-together scenes of its respective year. There is an extended montage in the film about a third of the way through that not only contains great shots and stellar ideas brought to the screen that are executed well, but it even has a great score behind it! Scenes like this, and many others, that easily manage to implement proper timing in lines, dialogue, music, and cinematography, are why “Parasite” deserves as much praise as it is getting. It’s not too fast, not too slow, it’s just a masterpiece. “Parasite” is cut out to be the winner!
Continuing on, we dive to a category that is fairly exclusive to the art of film, not to mention television, Best Cinematography. Whether a movie is shot conventionally, as if it were ongoing, or in old timey black and white and full screen, the cinematographer behind each of these five nominees have not only helped the director carry out their vision, but let us, as an audience, visualize the surroundings of each story. Here are the nominees for Best Cinematography!
1917 (Roger Deakins)
Ad Astra (Hoyte Van Hoytema)
The Lighthouse (Jarin Blaschke)
Parasite (Kyung-pyo Hong)
Us (Mike Gioulakis)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Roger Deakins for “1917!”
This is “1917’s” second win of the ceremony! Good news for Roger Deakins, not only did he get a Lifetime Achievement Award here named after him, but he does not have to wait ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen times to finally possess a respective award like this. “1917” is some of Deakins’ most innovative and groundbreaking work. Yours truly would probably consider “1917” up there with films like “Birdman” in the top 5 cinematography-related achievements of all time. Knowing Deakins’ achievements like “The Shawshank Redemption,” “The Big Lebowski,” and “Skyfall,” this certainly suggests something. Universal Pictures is responsible for “1917,” if Universal ever wanted to make a war themed ride to put out at one of their amusement parks, “1917” would be a great piece of inspiration for the product, and maybe it could be heavily based on the movie. Deakins, you are a god, and so is this spiritual experience of a film.
Our eighth Best Picture nominee is a glimpse into something that I myself have been through… Divorce. While I personally have never been married, as a child of divorce, I was able to emulate the emotions of at least what one person was going through during this motion picture. Featuring some of the year’s finest chemistry between leads Adam Driver and Scarlett Johansson, director Noah Baumbach has taken a concept often associated with struggle and turned it all into a slice of life roller coaster. It is a film that reminds us that we all have our own paths in life and they may not be easy to follow. Plus, even though they often say divorce is hardest on the children, the film displays hardships on the divorcing couple of Titanic-level tragedy. Nominated for 6 Jackoffs, THIS is “Marriage Story.”
One of the biggest film stories of 2019 is Disney’s finalized takeover of their recently purchased Fox assets. This included notable film studio names including 20th Century Fox, Fox Searchlight, and Fox 2000 (officially no more). They also have ownership of FOX-related networks like FX, FXX, and National Geographic. The Walt Disney Company now owns current movie franchises like “X-Men,” “Kingsman,” “Planet of the Apes,” and “Avatar.” They also own current TV shows like “The Simpsons,” “Family Guy,” “Bob’s Burgers,” and “9-1-1.” These additions have increased Disney’s empire-like presence over the media industry, leaving certain cinephiles worried about the history of film itself. In fact, one of my worries was that Disney was going to prevent making any R rated films in the future. I’m still scared that we may be getting a PG-13 “Deadpool” (despite various pieces of evidence that we are not), I am scared of the lack of diverse voices and types of films we could get down the line, and I am also scared of how Disney is going to be handling Fox’s past work. And with the new Disney+ app being successful, the company’s growth is definitely not grinding to a halt. Much to my surprise, Disney has since become less family-friendly, because they decided to go full George Lucas and change some Fox films of the past slightly. These changes are not the best for your next family movie night. For the record, I am one of the only people who has actually seen these changes, so it is my pleasure to share these with you. Here are some surprising changes Disney has made to Fox films of the past in a bit I like to call “Disbleep.”
Songs are more than music. Songs are more than just those tunes that get inside your head while on your way to work. To some, songs are a way of life and just a simple lyric can define the path one will ultimately take. These five songs here and now have demonstrated excellence through the combination of vocals and instruments. Here are the nominees for Best Original Song.
The Hide and Seek Song- Headquarters Music (Ready or Not)
Home to You- Sigrid (The Aeronauts)
I Can’t Let You Throw Yourself Away- Randy Newman (Toy Story 4)
I’m Gonna Love Me Again- Elton John, Taron Egerton (Rocketman)
Together From Afar- Jónsi (How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World)
And the Jackoff goes to…
“Home to You” by Sigrid, featured in “The Aeronauts!”
Fun fact about this particular win, this is the first win ever at the Jackoffs for an Amazon movie. Last year, “Cold War” was nominated for cinematography, which it ended up losing to one of the frontrunners, “Roma!” This year, Amazon has multiple movies represented including “The Report,” “Honey Boy,” and as of now, the Jackoff-winning film “The Aeronauts.” Amazon’s “The Aeronauts” never really sat well with yours truly as a story, partially because it involved a huge alteration regarding the main characters. However, once the movie ended and Sigrid’s “Home to You” began playing during the end credits, it sort of the captured the spirit the film seemed to be going for. The film does have an advantage compared to films like “Toy Story 4” and “Rocketman,” where I watched those films only once earlier on in the year. But the original songs from those films, as charming and well done as they are, never stuck with me. “Home to You” sounds like what I would want to hear out of a film presented in the style of what “The Aeronauts” was trying to be. Plus, “Home to You” in general comes off like a solid example of what an end credits song should be. It sort of adds a satisfying feeling to the table that I as a viewer probably did not think I would have needed. Sigrid sang her notes with serious skills, the song overall is soft, yet sweet, but because of the way it is presented, I personally cannot imagine a song like “Home to You” being done differently. Congratulations to Sigrid and to Amazon for earning their first ever Jackoff award! Don’t worry, the shipping’s free! If you want to listen to “Home to You” click the video below!
If actors are puppets, then directors are puppet masters. In case you all have recently lost track of time, it is the year 2020. Many people have put this year together with “20/20 vision.” As far as year the goes for 2019, its predecessor, specifically in films, these five directors have officially realized their own visions before a year of solid eyesight. Speaking of eyesight, it is through our eyes that we see these visions come to life on the big screen, and it is through future generations’ eyes where they see these visions on small screens. Here are the nominees for Best Director.
Sam Mendes (1917)
Alma Har’el (Honey Boy)
Rian Johnson (Knives Out)
Quentin Tarantino (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood)
Bong Joon Ho (Parasite)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Sam Mendes for “1917!”
Earlier in the decade, Mendes helmed two James Bond titles, “Skyfall,” and “Spectre.” At the end of this decade, Mendes took on the ambitious project of “1917,” the story of two soldiers who need to hand-deliver an important message. Mendes, through the power of solid directing, delivered a message too. The message that he does not mess around! All five nominees are incredibly deserving of being credited here, but Mendes delivered something with “1917” that was not only the product of a vision, but something that appears to be incredibly hard to make. Lucky for Mendes, he surrounded himself with solid talent including recently crowned cinematographer Roger Deakins, well-known actors including Colin Firth and Benedict Cumberbatch, not to mention some solid artists behind sound and visuals. “1917” is a jaw-dropping epic from aspects including the stellar chemistry between characters to the groundbreaking “one-shot” idea that has been done before, but there is no denying that it is deserving of applause based on how well-executed it is here. One of the main goals of many war films is to make the audience feel as if they are a part of the action, maybe in a near-uncomfortable way. “1917” does that, and a lot more to satisfy someone like me. A hearty congratulations to Sam Mendes, and if Bong Joon Ho is reading this, sorry if this keeps you from having a drink. But nobody’s stopping you! So go party!
Our ninth Best Picture nominee is not a goodbye, nor a departure, but more of a welcoming to its audience to experience a story centered around tradition. Set mostly in China, it is the story of a woman who is terminally ill unbeknownst to her while she is surrounded by the family she has come to know, including a “stupid child.” Starring Awkwafina of “Crazy Rich Asians” fame, this film reveals the tragedy of loss while also reminding us that our own lives are beautiful in each of their own ways. In a year of phenomenal endings, this film delivers one of the most emotionally satisfying conclusions to a flick that yours truly has watched in 2019. Nominated for 3 Jackoff awards, THIS is the “The Farewell.”
This, like many awards shows, has probably taken as long as “Avengers: Endgame,” but three categories remain until you can all be disappointed that there is no end credit scene and just move yourselves away from here.
While it is certainly the director’s job convey the actions and emotions of a film, the job of a director, much like many other positions would likely not be possible in the film industry if it were not for the actors who show up to set, ready to interact with their ensemble. Actors can disappear in one moment from their real life persona, and magically reappear as a fictional character, or an icon that is about to deliver grace to the screen through the power of showmanship. These five actors, not to mention actresses, who we’ll get to in a second, have embodied well-contrived characters with proper execution. Here are the nominees for best actor!
Joaquin Phoenix (Joker)
Daniel Craig (Knives Out)
Adam Driver (Marriage Story)
Leonardo DiCaprio (Once Upon a Time in Hollywood)
Adam Sandler (Uncut Gems)
And the Jackoff goes to…
Joaquin Phoenix for “Joker!”
This may be the single-hardest category of the ceremony, sort of like last year. Sandler delivered what may have been a career-best performance that can make a viewer have a heart attack. DiCaprio portrayed a fine character and matched through great chemistry with supporting actor Brad Pitt. Speaking of chemistry, Driver killed it in the film “Marriage Story,” where his chemistry with Scarlett Johansson delivered one of the best argument scenes of the past few years. Craig helped craft something special with his performance of Benoit Blanc in Rian Johnson’s “Knives Out,” where he develops a southern accent and ignites the quirky fun to be had. But a Phoenix has risen. One reason why Rami Malek won last year for his performance as “Bohemian Rhapsody’s” Freddie Mercury is because of not only his ability to deliver lines, but to also be physically convincing. I cannot think about the “Joker” without directing mental attention to the “stairs” scene. It is something so simple, but it is also weirdly magical. The performance has everything from dramatic delivery of lines to convincing physical motions and endless laughter! As a comic book movie fan, I have noticed that throughout many performances given by those who played the villainous clown by the name of “The Joker,” they all feel like they belong in their respective environment. Even though I and many others are not particularly fond of Jared Leto’s “Joker” introduced in “Suicide Squad,” it is a decent representation of the character when considering its surroundings. “Joker” takes place in a depressing 1981, and Arthur Fleck is a fine embodiment to portray what could be an opposite for those meant to represent said time. Many of the characters in “Joker” are either serious or down. While Fleck definitely shows signs of being down, he is slightly more hyperactive, a little more upbeat. I left “Joker” feeling like I witnessed something kind of nuts, and part of it has to do with the bonkers, but serious portrayal of Batman’s arch nemesis. Here is a clip of Joaquin Phoenix in “Joker!”
And with a Best Actor win, also comes a Best Actress win. Here are the nominees for Best Actress!
Awkwafina (The Farewell)
Ana de Armas (Knives Out)
Scarlett Johansson (Marriage Story)
Yeo-jeong Jo (Parasite)
Lupita Nyong’o (Us)
And the award goes to…
Scarlett Johansson for “Marriage Story!”
I was not lying earlier! The acting in “Marriage Story” is easily the best part of the movie. When it comes to actors, I have been debating who exactly this has been the year of. Is it Keanu Reeves? Is it Tom Holland? Is it Brad Pitt? Tom Hanks? Adam Driver? Chris Hemsworth, maybe? Let me direct your attention to an actress who may have had one of, if not her best year yet, official Jackoff winner Scarlett Johansson. While her first appearance in a film this year was uncredited, specifically in “Captain Marvel,” she quickly found a presence in the MCU’s next film, “Avengers: Endgame,” which without spoilers, she had a crucial role in. The film went on to gross over not one, but two billion bucks, eventually leading to its official crowning of the biggest film of all-time, beating James Cameron’s “Avatar.” Then she gives one of the finest supporting performances this year in Taika Waititi’s “Jojo Rabbit,” which she was also nominated for. But nothing beats “Marriage Story.” The film is not only a great look inside what happens when a divorce-bound couple is driving themselves up a wall, but it is enhanced through its performances, including Johansson’s. The actress portrays Nicole, who wants to make a life for herself in LA, as opposed to New York, a location where her husband (Adam Driver) seems to be more fond of. Partially through the excellent writing and direction, Johansson plays her character with absolute power, especially during the argument scenes. I felt the pain of this couple as they broke themselves down, mocking each other, and eventually setting themselves on fire internally. Here is a quick glance at Scarlett Johansson in “Marriage Story.”
We are nearing the very end of the ceremony, and we still have one more award to present, Best Picture. But before we get to that, we need to continue on with the show by awarding tonight’s second Lifetime Achievement Award. Specifically, the Stan Lee Award. For those of you unfamiliar with the Stan Lee Award, I gave myself the opportunity to award a posthumous Lifetime Achievement to one individual, which in the previous show’s case happened to be Stan Lee. Much like the Roger Deakins award, this award will forever remain named after the legendary comic book creator. Given how Stan Lee passed in 2018, it is now time to honor someone who passed in 2019. After all, we are the reaching the end of the road. Why not end said road… with the end? This year’s Stan Lee award is given to an influential name throughout the film industry. Born July 18th, 1933 in St. Paul, Minnesota, this individual was about to make a mark on movies like few ever would in terms of how they are presented. Given what he would do later in the realm of filmmaking, it should be no surprise that his father would read him pulp magazines like “Flash Gordon.” After graduating high school, he served in the U.S. Army, and went to Art Center School in California. Soon thereafter, he worked with Ford Motor Co.’s Advanced Styling Studio, and eventually started his own company in 1970. Phillips was a grand supporter of this fellow, becoming an early client who would receive designs down the road. Did I mention books yet? Yes, in an illustrious life of his, he took time to illustrate books too! This illustrious career also led to him providing architectural renderings for establishments including Intercontinental Hotels. It is no surprise that in a career that involves visuals, he would use those for the art of filmmaking. Providing an outlook for films including “Aliens,” “Tron,” “2010: The Year We Make Contact,” “Mission: Impossible III,” and “Tomorrowland,” the man has built quite the resume. Many of his credits come from the Art Department, including one of his finest achievements, “Blade Runner,” the influential noir flick from “1982” that would become a cult classic. He even came back for the sequel, “Blade Runner 2049,” thirty-five years later. Speaking of influence, while the man himself never had a credit for any portion of “Star Wars,” George Lucas suggested the design for the AT-AT is inspired by this gentleman’s art. Said gentleman released his autobiography in 2018 titled “A Future Remembered.” I’m sure your work, as far as the future goes, will be remembered for generations. This year’s Stan Lee award goes to Syd Mead!
In “Back to the Future Part III,” Doc Brown said “Your future is whatever you make it.” For Syd Mead, not only was he determined to make his future a great one, but develop many other futures along the way. From “Star Trek: The Motion Picture” to “Blade Runner 2049” these written futures would not be possible if it were not for Mead. Congratulations, and may you forever rest in peace.
Our tenth and final Best Picture is a triumphant story for the American car industry. During an unfortunate time for the Ford Motor Co., the organization must come up with a plan to remain relevant and avoid running out of gas. It is eventually thought out that the company must make a racecar to beat Italy’s Ferrari at the 24 Hours of Le Mans of 1966. With such thoughts in a drivers’ seat position, engineer Caroll Shelby, portrayed with excellence by Matt Damon alongside car driver Ken Miles come together to build the ultimate racing machine. The film dives deep into a revolutionary story for driving, but it does not take away from the just as revolutionary sound and overall theatrical experience such a film can deliver. Nominated for 4 Jackoff awards, THIS is “Ford v Ferrari.”
We are now in the final moments of the ceremony. Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway can now say with pride that they DO NOT have to present Best Picture. So guess what? The Movie Reviewing Moron will do so himself! 2019 has been a haven for film fans everywhere. We were introduced to some fascinating titles like “Just Mercy,” “Richard Jewell,” “Queen & Slim,” and “The Two Popes.” How are they fascinating? I don’t know! I have not seen any of them! But, these ten films I am about to present to you right now have defined my film cycle of 2019. These are the films that I walked into with curiosity, watched with attention, and left with satisfaction, or maybe the desire for more. Although, this is not all about me, because these are YOUR VOTES, even though these ten movies are my personal faves, 13 of you got to choose which of these was your fave. Here are the nominees for Best Picture!
1917 (Pippa Harris, Callum McDougal, Sam Mendes, Brian Oliver, Jayne-Ann Tengren)
The Farewell (Anita Gou, Daniele Melia, Andrew Miano, Peter Saraf, Marc Turtletaub, Lulu Wang, Chris Weitz, Jane Zheng)
Ford v Ferrari (Peter Chernin, James Mangold, Jenno Topping)
Honey Boy (Brian Kavanaugh-Jones, Christopher Legget, Daniela Taplin Lundberg)
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (Dean DeBlois, Bradford Lewis, Bonnie Arnold)
Knives Out (Ram Bergman, Rian Johnson)
Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach, David Heyman)
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (David Heyman, Shannon McIntosh, Quentin Tarantino)
Parasite (Sin-ae Kwak, Bong Joon Ho)
Ready or Not (Bradley J. Fischer, Willem Sherak, James Vanderbilt, Tripp Vinson)
And the Jackoff goes to…
“1917!”
This is “1917’s” FOURTH win of the ceremony! Of the six nominations “1917” has received prior to today’s show, it has also won Best Cinematography, Best Production Design, and Best Director. The film has also been nominated for Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing. It is also the first Best Picture winner distributed by Universal Pictures.
Films tell you a lot of things based on what is visually represented. But they can be provide great emphasis on the meaning of life. The reality of life is that you only live once, you have one opportunity to make your life the best it can be. YOU GET ONE SHOT. No do-overs. No mulligans. Just one shot. “1917” is a film that put me into a war zone by literally making the camera another set of eyes for about a couple of hours. With virtual reality becoming increasingly popular, it is safe to say that “1917” is one of the closest attempts in regards to filmmaking of getting to the scale and scope of virtual reality without goggles. One weird fact about “1917” is that despite being what one would technically refer to as a 2019 film, it released in most areas, at least most areas in the United States, in 2020. It’s safe to say that good things do come to those who wait. Stories involving war have always been a target for award shows. “Schindler’s List,” “Saving Private Ryan,” “Dunkirk,” and now “1917.” Other Best Picture competitors such as “Knives Out” or “Ready or Not” mostly made me have fun and ignited my willingness to cheer at the screen at least once. “1917” on the other hand left me in silence as I tried to process whatever in the ever-living f*ck I just witnessed. Because the reality is that “1917” is one of the most competently made films I have seen from a technical perspective. I left the auditorium, after being in awe of what I just witnessed, applauding as a sign of respect to the crew who made the best possible movie they could, feeling as numb as a tooth in its last moments before getting a cavity filled. Critics have responded to this film with positive reviews, leading to its 78 on Metacritic and 89% on Rotten Tomatoes. Audiences have also responded to this film with a current score of 88% on Rotten Tomatoes and a decent run at the box office so far. Therefore it is no surprise that “1917” has won the popular vote! The film really has had quite the run in regards to this year’s award season. It spun the Golden Globes to receive Best Picture-Drama. Not only did it win the DGA, but also the PGA! It flocked across the pond to take home a BAFTA. And now, it has received the most important movie blogging award in history, the Jackoff! Congratulations to the producers, cast, crew, and all others behind “1917!” You have won Best Picture!
Thanks for tuning to the 2nd Annual Jackoff Awards! An epic as stretched out as “Avengers: Endgame!” If you made it to the end, I love you 3,000! You’re unbelievable! I hope you enjoyed this one of a kind style of award shows that maybe unintentionally puts a person to sleep, and I will hopefully be doing a third edition come 2021. I should point out, I’m thinking of changing the name, but that is not a certainty at this point. Congratulations to “1917!” for winning Best Picture, plus the other four victories it snatched at this point! Congratulations to “Parasite” and “Knives Out” for receiving the most nominations for tonight’s ceremony! Congrats to all the other nominees! You’re all breathtaking!
That’s the show! Follow Scene Before through an email or WordPress account, check out the blog’s Facebook page, and my personal Twitter account (@JackDrees) for the latest shenanigans from the Movie Reviewing Moron! Peace out! Stay tuned for more great content! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“Dolittle” is directed by Stephen Gaghan (Gold, Syriana) and stars Robert Downey Jr. (Iron Man, Chaplin), Antonio Banderas (Interview with the Vampire, Shrek 2), Michael Sheen (Frost/Nixon, Masters of Sex), Emma Thompson (Saving Mr. Banks, Late Night), Rami Malek (Bohemian Rhapsody, Night at the Museum), John Cena (Trainwreck, Playing with Fire), Kumail Nanjiani (Men in Black: International, Silicon Valley), Octavia Spencer (Gifted, Hidden Figures), Tom Holland (Spies in Disguise, Captain America: Civil War), Craig Robinson (Last Comic Standing, Knocked Up), Ralph Fiennes (The LEGO Batman Movie, Skyfall), Selena Gomez (Monte Carlo, Wizards of Waverly Place), and Marion Cotillard (Allied, Inception).
This film is the latest reboot to the “Doctor Dolittle” intellectual property. This time around, Robert Downey Jr. plays the man who can talk to animals and it follows him in a story where a Queen is dying and the only way to save her is to go on a journey to find a healing tree. On said journey, he is joined by his fellow animal friends and a new human apprentice (Harry Collett).
I have no memory of watching any previous material from the “Doctor Dolittle” franchise from beginning to end, so this was sort of my introduction to this world on film. Granted, I knew about about the character, I knew the whole thing about how the character can talk to animals and said animals do not spend too little time making a presence for themselves. I had the basics down, but for this movie, I was getting a new experience, one I never really had before.
But just because my experience was new, does not mean it was enjoyable. If “Cats” made me never want to ever interact with a feline ever again, then “Dolittle” has officially destroyed any chance I previously had of wanting to so much as think about any animal in existence. Thankfully, unlike “Cats,” which I praised for the CGI *at times*, the effects in “Dolittle” are a lot less unsettling, and a bit more satisfying to look at. But if Robert Downey Jr. is going to continue doing films like this after throwing in the towel with the MCU, movie audiences everywhere are in for a world of pain.
Granted, I will say, one of the interesting things about this film is that Robert Downey Jr.’s wife, Susan Downey, is a producer on the film. Plus, the two have kids, and it was just revealed on a clip of “Today” that this was the first premiere that they were taken to. After all, unlike most of the movies that Downey Jr. has done recently, which have been PG-13, “Dolittle” is PG. If “Dolittle” was a chance for two related people to work together, it may sound sweet, but quality should ALWAYS come first. This is why I get worried whenever Melissa McCarthy and her husband, Ben Falcone, are doing a project together, because statistically speaking, they are not usually that well-received. Granted, maybe I am getting a little bit more apprehensive than I really should because the Downey team are also working on a film together to be directed by Richard Linklater, who also directed “Boyhood,” which even though I have not seen the film itself, I know enough about it to realize how innovative and groundbreaking of a film it really is.
As for Robert Downey Jr.’s performance, I could tell that maybe there was some effort put into it, but holy mackerel, that accent sounds like crap! It almost sounds as if Downey was doing a really bad impression of Bilbo Baggins from “The Hobbit!” It’s overemphasizing in how bold it is supposed to come off and unfortunately, it makes me think Robert Downey Jr. at one point must have gotten acting lessons from a ship-sailing pirate.
Speaking of Robert Downey Jr., there is a point in this movie where he says a line where he basically invaded my mind and snatched an idea out of it. Now I know this is a kids movie, I know it is a family movie, some people will tend to say that these types of movies can get away with a few things here and there, cause ya know, kids just want to be entertained. I think that is a cop out of an excuse for a least a good portion of how many times such a thought is uttered. But what I find hilarious about this movie’s script is that there is a point where a bunch of characters are in a room together and Dolittle is basically providing a blueprint of his plan to save the Queen, and there is a point where he has to point out how preposterous his plan sounds.
Shut up, movie. Shut up.
The CGI in this film is not half bad, but that’s something I’d come to expect at this point, I’m willing to bet that maybe if this came out in the past decade or maybe sometime prior to say 2016’s “The Jungle Book,” this could be like another “Avatar.” Granted, if it came out in 2009, which is when “Avatar” came out, it probably would be just another movie, but this feels like a movie that would have probably worked as an experiential technological achievement from the 2000s, but since it came out in 2020, it needed something more.
I do not want to provide too many spoilers for this film, for one thing it just came out, and I imagine there are some people, not everybody, but some, who may have sort of a nostalgic attachment to the “Doctor Dolittle” IP. Out of respect for those people, this review is as spoiler-free as I could possibly make it. With that being said, the climax of this movie delivers one of the most infuriatingly off-putting gags ever put in a kids movie. There is a scene that I imagine young kids will probably get a kick out of, but I thought was the dumbest thing on the face of the earth. It involves farting. That is all I will say. Oh, and speaking of which, the humor in this film is as stale as whatever the latest pop song that always plays radio happens to be! Not all the jokes stood out, but when a joke did, it made me hate my life and everything in it. I am a bit young to have kids, but if I ever did have kids, this movie would probably be banned from movie night. If a find a DVD copy of this thing in the house, chances are I’m going to throw it through the window and break the glass. Any movie that has a scene containing a barely understandable human being playing chess with a gorilla who shows his ass as a way of insulting his opponent is officially on my eradication list.
Ironically, there is a song at the end of the film by Sia. I do not have all that much to say about the song itself, but apparently, in this attempt to recreate “Doctor Dolittle,” the song that plays is called “Original.” This world is becoming increasingly dumber, and there needs to be a cure for this combined dumbassery.
In the end, “Dolittle” just… did little to leave me happy. Will kids like it? Probably if they’re under maybe 10 years old. But I don’t think that this will be a film that families will go to and endlessly remember and quote for the rest of their lives. If anything, this is going to be a film that kids will watch, enjoy, and either move onto the next thing or continue watching until they grow out of it. “Dolittle” as a whole is just boring, formulaic, and none of the iconic names in the cast can save this mess! Robert Downey Jr. in this movie may not be a people person, but now after coming out of “Dolittle,” I have reevaluate my respect for the art of film and ask myself whether or not I am a movie person at this point. I am going to give “Dolittle” a 2/10. Now while I don’t see Universal Pictures dying a horrible death these next few months or anything, this is not the best of times for them. They just did “Cats,” which was awful, and apparently this is one of their next big releases! As one who enjoys Universal’s movies, I wish them luck during this dire time.
Thanks for reading this review! I just want everyone to know that my next review is going to be for Guy Ritchie’s “The Gentlemen,” which I just saw at an advance screening aaaaaaannnnnd… There’s too much to talk about. I’ll save my thoughts for the review. That’s all I’ll say. Be sure to follow Scene Before either with an email or WordPress account so you can stay tuned for more great content! If you want to leave a like or comment, make sure you have the proper account credentials, and speaking of liking, why not hop over to my Facebook page and give that a like too? I don’t see any reason not to! I want to know, did you see “Dolittle?” What did you think about it? Or, what is your favorite “Doctor Dolittle” movie? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
“Fighting with My Family” is directed by Stephen Merchant (Hello Ladies, Logan) and stars Florence Pugh (Lady MacBeth, The Commuter), Leda Headey (Game of Thrones, 300), Nick Frost (Paul, Into the Badlands), Jack Lowden (Mary Queen of Scots, Dunkirk), Vince Vaughn (Wedding Crashers, The Internship), and Dwayne Johnson (Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle, Rampage). This film is based on the true story of a family who live and breathe wrestling like it is an alternative to oxygen. Two kids who are very passionate about the sport get a chance to try out for the WWE, and this is based on truth so I wouldn’t call this a spoiler, but it is also essentially the origin story of Paige, who becomes the famous wrestler fans have come to know in recent years.
Right off the bat, I will just tell you all something. Wrestling is not my jam. If you know me in real life, this wouldn’t surprise you, sports in general are not usually my goto activity. I say that regardless of whether I am watching a sport or playing a sport. In fact, the reason why I went to see this movie has nothing to do with wrestling. Aside from getting passes to a free screening, I was excited for this movie because it was being helmed by the likable and talented Stephen Merchant. He has this flow when it comes to comedy that ultimately just works. I have seen a lot of his interviews on talk shows or other scenarios over the years and the guy is just freaking funny! Maybe his British accent has something to do with it, but still. Plus, he was the voice of Wheatley in “Portal 2,” which might just be my favorite video game of all time. Granted he was in “Tooth Fairy,” which if you think about it, it’s sad that I still remember that movie, but the guy is talented. And let me just say, he does a hell of a job with this movie! Merchant actually wrote and directed the film, but to add onto what I just said, he actually has a role in it too. Granted, the role isn’t enormous, he plays some random dude named Hugh, but it works. In fact, that is an understatement, because Hugh might just be the best part of the movie!
Part of me is wondering if Merchant (left) wanted to do this role simply because out of everything he’s written, he thought it was the most humorous part, but nevertheless. Hugh is comedy gold. And when it comes to a lot of comedy that I am exposed to, most of what I consider to be “good” comedy is actually through written lines. Physical comedy usually takes a backseat for me nowadays. Not everyone can be “The Three Stooges.” When it comes to Hugh, it’s all non-verbal comedy. And f*cking brilliant non-verbal comedy when all is said and done! Also, one of the standout traits that I personally gathered from Hugh is not only that he acts funny, but he also looks funny. I’ve seen images of Stephen Merchant (in fact I just provided one), and the way he transforms himself into this character just takes him from a lanky British dude to a guy whose house your kid might not bother visiting on Halloween night. And this was actually a surprise to me because I saw marketing for the film and I see Stephen Merchant in it for a brief second, but it almost looks like he’s doing OK comedy. This was better than I anticipated!
One of the best parts of “Fighting with My Family” is that you don’t have to like wrestling to watch it. Because ultimately it is not about wrestling, it’s about family, it’s about striving to accomplish your goals, and the complication of social interaction. There was a part of the film where I compared it to a reality competition, especially when you consider there’s a scene where chicks hate each other over word choice. In fact, this comes partially as a surprise considering how the opening titles state that this is from WWE Studios. When was the last time I saw that for a motion picture release like this? Admittedly, there are times when this kind of feels as if it commercializes WWE, especially considering the cameos from professional wrestlers that are present in this film including John Cena, the Big Show, and Sheamus. Plus there is one scene where the brother is saying that he is imagining 20,000 people cheering him on as he stands in an empty stadium that has graphics moving around. It’s almost like “The LEGO Movie,” which may technically be commercial but it tries to sneak things in along the way.
Now as far as Paige goes, I do like her portrayal in this film. I like how they made Paige out to be a shy, timid, and goth looking girl in front of these stereotypical chicks who show off their bodies the whole time. It sort of reminds me of that Planet Fitness commercial where the girls keep talking about how “hot” everything is and there’s also another girl who finds the whole situation awkward. Another thing I like about her character, without diving too deep into spoilers, is the message that people can sometimes pressure you into being somebody just for shiggles or for the sake of fitting in. Maybe you ultimately don’t want to be that person, but the way things go in life, you are automatically triggered into thinking you need to change your ways. I thought that was very well done.
Also, I will say, I saw this going in, but I went to see this film with my mother, and she was somewhat looking forward to seeing Dwayne Johnson appear on screen. Without spoiling anything, he’s only in a couple of scenes. He’s not the star of this film. But for the scenes he’s in, it makes me wonder how he is in real life. I’ve always pictured The Rock to be a nice guy, and this movie makes a convincing case that maybe he is supportive of his fans. This is a guy who gets in a car accident with someone who happens to be a fan, keeps his cool, and shakes it all off like it is no big deal. By the way, that’s a true story, there is a link below the paragraph for further proof.
Before I give the final verdict, I’ll talk for a sec about Paige’s brother, Zak. One of the complaints that my mother gave toward the film is Zak’s appearance, saying he didn’t look like a wrestler. Having seen him in the movie, I would agree. If this were fiction, there’s a high chance that I’d automatically be on her side, but this is based on true events, so I decided to close my mouth on that subject for a period of time. With that in mind, I decided to do some brief research on Zak, and I found a couple of images where his body looks similar to his actor counterpart. The body thing is something I can actually avoid calling a mistake, but what is a mistake is Zak’s characterization. While his motivations seemed to be clear, I kind of pictured a guy who would get mad for no reason. Granted, the reasoning for his anger seemed understandable, but there are not many characters I would prefer to remember just for mainly being angry.
In the end, “Fighting with My Family” was actually pretty fun. It’s intense, humorous, and kind of heartwarming. Again, I am not a fan of wrestling, and I don’t follow organizations like the WWE, but I enjoyed this movie. “Fighting with My Family” shows what happens when you pit people against each other in a heated, dramatic competition, and also what happens when you aspire to be the very best you can be. I’m going to give “Fighting with My Family” a 7/10. Thanks for reading this review! I’ve got some more content coming soon, including another review which will be in the works soon, specifically for the new DreamWorks animation, “How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World.” Also, I just watched the Academy Awards this previous Sunday, so stay tuned for future content related to that. Some of you might wonder why I didn’t do a prediction post this year like I’ve done in the past couple of years, and the reason is simple. Life is short, and college cares more about me killing my brain cells with endless work as opposed to balancing my life with brief periods of relaxation. I would have loved to have done a prediction post, in fact, I would have loved to have posted this review earlier, but the fact is, my brain was fried. There were points where I almost couldn’t help but crawl into the fetal position. So that’s the story of my life for the last few days, how about you tell me yours? Be sure to follow Scene Before either with an email or WordPress account so you can stay tuned for more great content! I want to know, did you see “Fighting with My Family?” What did you think about it? Or, what is your favorite movie where a celebrity plays him or herself? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
Alright fellow moron followers, it’s that time! We’re gonna talk about sex! And to do that, we’re not just gonna go over my thoughts for the movie “Blockers,” we’re gonna be doing a usual promo. Sex may be fun, hot, and climactic. You know, unless you’re Genevieve and Paul. If you’re Genevieve and Paul, sex is not all fun and games! It’s work! Hard work! No! They’re not f*cking porn stars! They’re in a YouTube series where they’re trying to conceive! Watch them… in “What the IVF?!”
“What the IVF?” is an all new series on YouTube that goes over one couple’s long journey to conception. Watch Genevieve and Paul as they deal with various struggles and small victories! As time passes, they realize, them becoming parents will only become a reality if they push themselves to the limit instead of just having sex and having a natural procreation method. Not to mention, getting injected with tons of needles. You can find the latest videos from Genevieve and Paul on the “WTIVF?” YouTube channel. Also be sure to hit the notification bell and subscribe for all new content! Their latest entry to the series involves a fertility appointment, and things just don’t go according to plan. If YouTube doesn’t satisfy you, check out all the other “WTIVF?” social media profiles and the series’s own website. All links are down below, tell em Jack Drees sent ya, and now let’s continue getting sexy!
“Blockers,” or C*ckblockers, as the promotional material implies, is directed by Kay Cannon and stars John Cena (Trainwreck, The Wall), Leslie Mann (Knocked Up, This Is 40), and Ike Barinholtz (Suicide Squad, Neighbors) as three parents who get together who try to stop their daughters from losing their virginities on prom night. Basically if you watch the movie, take the concept for “American Pie,” add in some elements of modern-day s*it in there, change the gender of the teens in a pact to get laid, and make the parents bigger parts of the story, and you get “Blockers.”
This movie is the directorial debut of Kay Cannon, who is mainly known as a writer and producer when it comes to her work in Hollywood. Cannon has written all three “Pitch Perfect” films, and produced the two sequels. I only saw the first one, I thought it was one of the worst comedies I’ve ever seen, even though a number of people seem to like it, but it certainly kept me from seeing the next two movies. Cannon also wrote several episodes of “New Girl,” which honestly, I need to still watch! They have reruns now, so I have a good opportunity on my hands. As I went into “Blockers,” I didn’t expect much, and my low expectations had partially to do with Kay Cannon, who I imagine, is a rather nice woman, but as far as I’m concerned, I didn’t like her s*itty movie from about six years ago. But hey, if were sitting in a chair in a coffee shop, having a coffee with her, I wouldn’t feel like I was tied to that chair. How someone is as a writer and someone is as a person are two completely different ideas! And luckily, in terms of how this movie was not only from the perspective of director Kay Cannon, but also the perspective of writers Brian and Jim Kehoe, it was so much better than it deserved to be! Seriously, from some of the advertising, I was somewhat convinced that this movie would be mediocre at best, but I walked out thinking to myself that I watched a movie where “American Pie” and “Revenge of the Nerds” had a lovechild! Is this movie a masterpiece? Heck no! But not only did I have a fun time, part of me feels that this movie goes over some very important themes. But before we get into why I’m craving this movie like ice cream, let’s dive into negatives.
First off, this movie has a ton of points where I nitpicked the hell out of it. I won’t go into extreme detail because it seems rather spoilery, but he biggest standout to me is when Ike Barinholtz’s character said he’s never watched anyone have sex before. My first thought after hearing that line was, “You’re a grown man who has impregnated someone, and raised a kid.” There’s not one point in your life where you rented something from the adult video store? I don’t know, That’s how he comes off to me. The more I thought about it, maybe he was just referring to in-person sex, but it doesn’t change how that original thought popped into my mind. Another thing I sort of didn’t like, is one joke that kind of makes fun of “Fast & Furious” and Vin Diesel. While it was somewhat executed well, audiences have seen a joke similar joke to that almost three years ago now in “Vacation.” Granted, that movie from what I heard was trash, but having promotional material, I imagine some people might watch this movie, witness this joke play out, and view it as perhaps less funny than if it was had “Vacation” never happened. I remember witnessing other various nitpicks, but I’ll be real with you, I can’t exactly recall them off the top of my head. It just goes to show how many positives there are in this movie compared to negatives.
Let’s talk about the three parents in this movie. You have the recently mentioned Ike Barinholtz who plays Hunter, whose daughter goes by the name of Sam, played by Gideon Adlon (The Real O’Neals, Z Nation). Hunter used to be married, but after reveals of him cheating on his wife, divorce happened. Barinholtz did a great job playing a very hyperactive, overenthusiastic, and somewhat aware dad. And by somewhat aware, I mean in terms of how teens communicate. This is something that the movie dives deep into. When the other two parents were trying to decipher whatever it was the teens were trying to say based on what was being typed out and shown on an accidentally left open laptop, Hunter was basically helping the two parents out with knowledge. To add some hilarity to the mix, Hunter treated the text reading like a puzzle, and some lines given in context to that were nothing short of lovable. I was totally able to buy him as a single parent and his connection with his daughter, especially towards the end of the film, was believable and charming.
Speaking of divorced parents, you’ve also got Leslie Mann’s character of Lisa. She is portrayed as this somewhat kick-ass, caring, and memory-sharing mother. She gave birth to a daughter named Julie played by Kathryn Newton (Paranormal Activity, Lady Bird), and their chemistry was totally believable. Mann’s character definitely delivers a fine performance of a parent who is somewhat concerned about the future of her child, and when it comes to overall concern, Lisa shines more than any other character.
Now we have an interesting character, and when I say that, I mean in terms of who plays him, not so much of how he’s laid out in terms of overall characterization. We’re about to talk about a little someone in this movie.
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!
How is John Cena in this movie? I’ll be completely honest with you, I don’t know. I couldn’t see him. He wasn’t anywhere in sight.
OK, I saw him.
John Cena plays the character of Mitchell, and he’s basically this overprotective father. His daughter goes by the name of Kayla, who in the movie is played by Geraldine Viswanathan. Out of each chemistry between each main parent to their daughter, this one was believable as well, but if I had to choose the one that is the least believable, I’d pick this one for now. Here’s why. I’ve done some research regarding this movie. John Cena is white, and he was born in West Newbury, Massachusetts. You’ve got Mitchell’s wife, Marcie, played by Sarayu Blue. She was born in Madison, Wisconsin, and she kind of looks like her family has an Indian origin. As for their daughter, the girl who plays her is from Australia. She might look like a mixed race child, but something feels off. Again, I’ll mention, most of my problems in this movie are nitpicks. John Cena though gives a great interpretation of a father and in some ways, reminds me of my own father a little bit.
Moving away from mature people, let’s move onto the movie’s three main teenagers. As you can see in the image above, they’re standing along with three guys, all of which you can probably guess are their prom dates. The three girls, Kayla, Julie, and Sam, have great chemistry and I buy them as best friends and dates to their boys. I’ll also have you keep in mind that part of that great chemistry may have resulted from the very thing that happened at the beginning of the movie. The film starts off with a montage in 2005, when the girls meet in kindergarten, otherwise known one of those times when you realize your life is about to go through a downward spiral of crap. The montage itself was sweet, effective, and illustrates the point that these girls are best friends maybe without having to make you question it. Their setup to actually plan on simultaneously declare their quest for virginity loss, might be a tad bit rushed, but you could also make the argument that they’re teenagers and teenagers often rush into things and I can totally get that. Maybe, and I’m not being sexist here, I would have believed this if the girls were actually boys. Because in real life, people usually think of boys talking more about sex and losing their virginity than girls do. In fact, this movie an interesting topic that I often think about in relation to that, which we’ll get to in a bit. But in all seriousness, girls, after seeing this movie, I want to know, would you say that from experience or personal thought that girls talk about sex and stuff like that as much as guys? Maybe in a positive light? I seriously want to know because this movie is honestly just making me think and I kind of want some experience or two cents from someone who would apply in the realm I’m referring to.
By the way, the girls’ dates were all pretty cool to watch here, but my favorite teenage boy in the movie has to be Kayla’s date, Connor. He’s played by Miles Robbins (The X-Files, Mozart in the Jungle) who not only does a great job with the character, but I also have to give kudos to the writers. The movie sets up Connor as someone who Kayla likes, but not as someone Kayla’s father likes. Granted, in some ways, it almost makes her father look like a dick, but it didn’t really take too much away from the movie. Listen to me, imagine if I were taking some girl to prom, I pop into her house, and the girl’s father looks at me and I have the hairstyle Connor has, there’s gonna be some s*it going down soon. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but I’m not Kayla’s father.
Now let’s dive into this movie a little bit deeper and talk about how it tackles some issues regarding teens, parents, those kinds of people. You have many movies out there that might as well be quests to losing one’s virginity. Movies like “Porky’s,” “American Pie,” and f*ck, I’ll say it, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” Out of these movies, I’ve only seen “Porky’s” and “American Pie.” From what I’ve seen, I wouldn’t say they’re terrific. “Porky’s” almost seems like a good background movie in some cases, and “American Pie” was enjoyable, but I didn’t really connect to any specific character. Maybe it takes a couple watches, but I will admit, I didn’t enjoy that movie as much as I thought I would. Also, when it comes to these “virginity loss quest” movies, they’re usually from a male perspective. I will bring up that “Blockers” has all male writers, but the director for this movie was a female. To me, this brought an interesting balance in terms of what both genders thought of teenagers and sex.
When it comes to the parents, they’re obviously worried. John Cena comes off as very overprotective, not just because her daughter’s virginity is going to be taken, but perhaps even because it’s going to be taken by a guy whose hair probably doesn’t even belong in this world. Hey! I never said that! I’m not John Cena! Connor seems like a nice guy who knows that he wants his first time to be special, but hey, parents will be parents.
Leslie Mann is going through a bunch of worries when it comes to her daughter. She’s going to college soon and the mother is concerned of losing the kid she raised forever and ever. She wants her daughter to go to a local college and stay near her mother, but this girl wants to go to UCLA, and that’s just an upset to her. Oh yeah, and her daughter’s on a virginity loss quest, don’t forget about that! By the way, her daughter is technically the one to jumpstart this whole quest!
Ike Barinholtz, as mentioned, doesn’t even live with his daughter. Like Leslie Mann’s character, he’s divorced, but he lives alone without a child. And when it comes to his daughter, not only is he concerned about her being in this sex pact. He’s worried about her sexuality. Sam, the daughter of Ike Barinholtz, is gay. She’s going out with a boy. We actually see her worried about this and have a desire towards a certain girl later, but Ike’s character doesn’t have that knowledge.
This movie as a whole dives really deep into a ton of the main characters and unleashes little figments of their personality. It’s a sex comedy that doesn’t feel like a comedy where sex is bound to happen and it’s really all you think about. It’s almost more like “Revenge of the Nerds” in some ways because that’s a sex comedy, but it also dives deep into the characters and their own little individualistic traits to get you to care about them. There’s not many people who feel like they are just written on a page or cookie-cutter. This feels like a vision. Sure, it has that typical studio comedy feel, and it is complete with tons of Apple product placement, but the characters in this movie all have a chance to shine.
I will also admit, I was watching this film alongside my mother, and I was wondering how awkward it would be for the two of us. For one thing, I was not expecting much out of this movie, but also another thing is that I’m eighteen years old. I gotta say this movie came out at what might be a proper time for me. Relying on numbers from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age for one to lose their virginity according to them is 17.1 (both males and females). Sex is something my mother and I don’t talk about, and why would we talk about it? What… benefit… is there to life… of having a sex-related conversation between a parent and a child? It’s gonna do nothing except make one of us want to exit the room! My mother actually reads this blog, and I’m trying to get inside her mind. What if there’s one day she finds out about me having sex? Sure, maybe when I’m an adult maybe that’s natural. OK, well, I’m technically an adult at this point, but certain members of society would probably still refer to me as a child or teenager. I’m willing to bet a number of adults know that teens, especially ones in my gender, think about sex all the time, but they always see us doing it as dangerous or horrifying. As a teen, I get why, but I feel like that no matter what gender the characters are, whether it’s the kids I’m talking about or the parents, this movie does a fantastic job of not only highlighting the thoughts of the young and the old when it comes to teen sex, but it also seems to add a nice touch by not choosing a side in this debate and calling one right or wrong. This feels like a film, not propaganda. I don’t know if it will open much discussion between kids/teens and parents about sexual activity, but maybe it will develop some along those lines with maybe close friends.
In the end, I honestly couldn’t have gotten more of a surprise from “Blockers” than I already have. “Blockers” feels like one of those movies that we as a society didn’t really deserve, but someone was nice enough to let us have it. I’d love to thank Kay Cannon for directing the hell out of this, and I’m sorry that I called your other movie a piece of crap. I’m gonna give “Blockers” a 7/10. Thanks for reading this review! Next week I have a week off from school, giving me more opportunities to go to the theater and see something. Maybe I’ll go see “Rampage,” “Pacific Rim: Uprising,” “A Quiet Place,” “Isle of Dogs,” we’ll have to find out! Also, be sure to stay tuned for my review for “Mission: Impossible II” which will be up by the end of the month! Stay tuned for more great content! I want to know, what did you think of “Blockers” if you saw it? Or, what is your favorite sex comedy? Me personally, I gotta go with “Risky Business.” It feels natural, the characters are great, and the music is awesome! Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!
Scene Before 