Cassandra Scerbo

The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time (2018): At Least They Listened…

Posted on by Jack Drees

Oh boy! A new “Sharknado” movie is out! Time to suffer once more– wait, this is the last one? I should hope so… But just in case…

NOW NO REBOOTS, PLEASE! Unless there’s some sort of plan to unleash quality towards the “Sharknado” franchise I AM NOT GOING TO ACCEPT ANY OTHER MOVIES UNDER THE “SHARKNADO” NAME! UNDERSTAND?! This franchise can rot in hell with the live-action “Smurfs,” “Fifty Shades of Grey,” and as much as it pains me to say it, just about half of the “Star Wars” movies, I’m done with “Sharknado!” I’m done! Man that felt good.

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I still have to review the sixth one, cra–

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“The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time” is directed by Anthony C. Ferrante, the director who also unfortunately helmed the previous five “Sharknado” films. This movie stars Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills, 90210, Godzilla: The Series), Tara Reid (American Pie, The Big Lebowski), and Cassandra Scerbo (Make It Or Break It, Not Another Not Another Movie) and is marketed as the supposedly final “Sharknado” installment ever. This time, Fin and his pals are time-traveling to rid of the damages of nasty Sharknados in the past.

I’ve seen all of the “Sharknado” movies in at least one way, shape, or form. I’m not gonna go into specifics since I’ve already done such a thing in my “Sharknado 5” review and I just don’t want to sound repetitive. Let me just say, I’ve seen all of them, I don’t like any of them. End of story. Here’s the thing about certain good intellectual properties or movie franchises that seems to stand out to me. They all know when to stop. “Back to the Future” stopped at three movies! Director Robert Zemeckis said “over my dead body” on the thought of a reboot. You’ve also got “The Dark Knight” trilogy which had a solid beginning, middle, and end. Back before the “Star Wars” prequels released, the original “Star Wars” trilogy stopped at three movies, all of which have been appreciated by fans and critics (unless you count “The Empire Strikes Back” when it first came out). And no, the holiday special is not in this discussion. Franchises like “Sharknado?” It just keeps on going. Granted compared to some other franchises it does have some benefits. Depending on the situation, you are more likely to watch “Sharknado” for free whereas you have to pay $12 to go see the new “Transformers” movie. The movies are around an hour and a half compared to certain titles like “Fifty Shades of Grey” or “Twilight” which are around a couple hours long. Those are just a couple of perks throughout what can truly be regarded as a s*itfest of an experience.

It honestly baffles me why people watch these movies. The only reason why *I* watch these movies is to give you guys a review. And as much as I suffer during the movie, I do look forward to the review. This has the worst that a cheesy bad movie has to offer. It says it’s big in quantity but it lacks quality! Stupid cameos! Moments that make me lose IQ points! I don’t understand why, other than the fact that they get high ratings on Syfy, that the “Sharknado” movies have to keep on happening. As the movie begins, and we start to get reintroduced to characters along the way, I just remind myself of how much I don’t care about anyone in the franchise. Granted, I will admit in my “Sharknado 4” review, I mentioned I cared more for the characters in the first movie. But there are some things to consider: I was just getting to know them. It wasn’t known to me that Ian Ziering would practically be god in these movies. Not to mention, since it was the first movie, I didn’t have to complain that I’m seeing these f*cking hooligans again.

One thing I want to talk about before moving onto the characters is something I cannot even believe I haven’t brought up in any of my reviews yet. Throughout the movie, I couldn’t help but think to myself that the color grading is some of the worst ever put on screen. When I watch “Sharknado,” I do expect a natural disaster, and granted, natural disasters are depressing, therefore meaning maybe a depressing color grade might work. However, “Sharknado,” a movie where Ian Ziering jumps into a shark with a chainsaw and escapes with no problem whatsoever, a movie where many intellectual properties are butchered by insanely forced references, a movie that needs to have some stupid promotion for Xfinity or The Today Show, does not associate with that type of grading! This movie, if it truly tries and cleans up its s*itty effects, can be a buttload of fun. I can also say the same if it just changes the color grading. I feel like there are way too many blacks in the images to the point where it feels like I’m watching a World War II period piece or something. This movie’s color grading almost made it feel like I was staring at very dark cigarette smoke with sharks behind it. Just brighten the images a little bit! A little color makes a big difference!

I also really don’t like the direction of this film. I clearly watch more movies than TV. And I’m almost picky when it comes to TV shows, partially because I don’t review them. But this movie at times reminds me of two very similar shows that are incredibly popular that I don’t watch. Specifically, “The Office” and “Parks and Recreation.” I don’t watch either of those shows because the way they’re shot is almost headache inducing. The whole style of footage containing actions suddenly interrupted by an interview is almost distracting to me. Not to mention, the camera is constantly shaking whenever something is being shot unless we’re talking about an interview. It’s just annoying. Some may say it’s immersive, it honestly does the opposite for me. And speaking of shaking the camera, there are some minor shakes I witnessed, most noticeably during an establishing shot of a sharknado! WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!

Moving onto characters, let’s talk about God–err I mean Ian Ziering. He’s basically what you’d come to expect at this point. He survives everything. He is the biggest badass on the planet. Essentially if Domenic Torretto had hair and had to deal with sharks all the time, that is Ian Ziering’s character. Oh yeah, right, he has a name, Fin Shepard. WHY AM I STILL TALKING ABOUT THIS?!

Now let’s move onto Tara Reid’s character of April. When it comes to Tara Reid, I didn’t really see much of her work prior to watching the “Sharknado” movies, but I did watch a couple of films after watching “Sharknado 5” that had her in it. In those films, say what you want about her, she was personally serviceable in those roles of hers and did what needed to be done. Here in “Sharknado 6,” it’s like I’m watching an amateur porn star trying to adapt to being in a disaster film. Really hot, but the acting is PUTRID.

One thing that I found interesting about this film however is that with the time travel element in play, we managed to see the adult version of Gil. For those who don’t know who Gil is, he’s a very young kid that April and Fin have. And while I can’t say much of anything positive regarding the characters of this movie, I will say that Gil was a lot less annoying than he was for the past couple of installments. Then again, what do you expect? He’s an adult.

I don’t even know why I’m still writing. My head is honestly about to explode, but just like all of the other “Sharknado” films, “The Last Sharknado” doesn’t shy away from giving you the film industry’s worst examples of how to do special effects. You know how a lot of people look at the shark from Jaws at find it to be very fake-looking? Look, if I was thirteen, THAT F*CKING KILLER SHARK FROM “JAWS” WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE BELIEVABLE THAN THE HUNDREDS OF SHARKS FLYING IN YOUR FACE IN THIS PIECE OF CRAP!

Let’s talk about the ending. I am not a mega-fan of the franchise, and you know what? If I were a mega-fan, then I probably would have appreciated it more. But in all reality, I was just kind of checked out. Then some of the last lines come in and I’m just begging to get on with my life and do something that’s worth my time. The movie, and the franchise, THANKFULLY ends. That’s one of the few, and there a few, positives in the entirety of “The Last Sharknado.” It ends the saga. It’s… over. It’s f*cking over. But I gotta say, I was kind of angry (partially due to my bad mood received from watching this movie) that I had to see a text card come up with the word “Fin.” You’ve already destroyed my brain, you don’t get to do that, movie! Bad movie! BAD movie!

As we get closer to my final verdict, I have to point something out. As I’ve done with “Sharknado 4” and “Sharknado 5,” I was livetweeting to this movie during the premiere on Syfy. Here are some of the tweets I’ve made:

Yes, one is more related to Instagram, but it’s on Twitter, so who really cares? Since I’m a movie reviewing moron, I wonder if some people would think I know way more than I should know about film. And maybe I do. Maybe it’s unimportant that I know that every “Sharknado” film was directed by Anthony C. Ferrante. Why should that even be something worth bringing up in a casual conversation? Let me just say, that name confuses the hell out of me. Because he was observing the livetweet session and those tweets I just put up? HE RETWEETED THEM! So I went to look at his account, and see what other tweets have been posted, and while they are related to “Sharknado,” they all seem to be on the positive side of the spectrum. Does Anthony hate his own creation and side with me? Does he not know what to think of it? I NEED TO KNOW! Anthony Ferrante? If you’re reading this, if you hate your movies, it’s OK, we can talk s*it together!

In the end, I may have been excited to do this review just because I can rage out about a s*itty movie and sometimes that’s rather fun, but this review is not all fun and games. Watching “Sharknado 6” was one of the first things I did once I got home from vacation. And by the way this vacation was comic-con, which involves a lot of walking. It was fun, but it does feel like a workout at times. Instead of coming home to relax and unwind, I decide to review this s*it. But hey, it’s over! So, goodbye “Sharknado,” you won’t be missed! I’m gonna give “The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time” a 1/10! I mean, what else do you expect? I mentioned there are a few positives in the movie, but it doesn’t make all of the infinite negatives go away! This movie had a nice animated intro, had one moment where I chuckled, and most importantly, ended everything. But seriously, WHY WAS NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON IN THIS MOVIE?! And just to stay positive, I will say that this actually was better than “Sharknado 5.” They toned down on Xfinity, and it didn’t have an annoying kid. And best of all, this movie means the series… is over! Thanks for reading this review! Pretty soon you’re gonna get some more posts coming your way. These include movie reviews on “The Hurricane Heist,” “Love, Simon,” and my look back at my time at this year’s Terrificon! Be sure to like this post and follow my blog so you can stay tuned for more great content! I want to know, did you see “The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time?” What did you think about it? Or, do you think we’ll ever see another movie, TV show, or video under the “Sharknado” name again in the future? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming: Another Attempt at Jumping the Shark

Posted on by Jack Drees

You know what I’m afraid of? Sharks. You know what I’m also afraid of? I’m afraid of the “Sharknado” franchise and what it is doing to the movie-viewers of our world! These movies just keep on coming out even though they just plain suck! Now that we have five of these, I have yet another crapfest to suffer through!

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So… it’s come to this. “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” is directed by Anthony Ferrante, who also directed the first four “Sharknado” installments. This movie stars Ian Ziering (Beverly Hills, 90210, Godzilla: The Series), Tara Reid (The Big Lebowski, American Pie), Dolph Lundgren (The Expendables, Universal Soldier), and Cassandra Scerbo (Make It or Break It, Not Another Not Another Movie). I could tell you that this movie is about stupidity and leave at that, but since I attempt to put a lot of effort into my reviews, perhaps more than various films I watch, I’ll dive into the plot. The plot is that the whole shark-tornado phenomenon has gone global. This all starts in the city of London, where our heroes are meeting with NATO, unfortunately for Ian Ziering and Tara Reid’s characters, they lose their son, Gil. Now in order to save him, they must travel into a sharknado (laughs).

I’ve watched multiple installments of “Sharknado” before, in fact I’ve actually reviewed “Sharknado 4: The Forth Awakens” when that came out. What did I think of that movie? Well, it was a piece of s*it. And you know something? The same can be said about “Global Swarming.” “Sharknado” is a franchise I know a number of people like… for some reason. They know it’s cheesy, they know it’s bad, but they still enjoy it. What do I think? I can’t stand it. To me, “Sharknado,” as far as movies on TV go, is like the “Transformers” franchise when it comes to movies you see in the theater. Only difference is that I can find enjoyment out of “Transformers.” Although when I saw the fifth one, I was kind of just done with it. Now that we have FIVE “Sharknados,” I’m just BEGGING to Syfy to just bury it in the ground. I get this is a TV film and it’s kind of meant to be cheesy, but there’s so much that is happening, so much that I complained about while watching this crap that it literally destroyed my mind afterward. Down below I have an actual tweet from my account that I posted last night, moments after finishing “Sharknado 5.”

Also, I livetweeted through this s*itfest, much like a great portion of people who own a TV, here’s some of my tweets:

Want to watch this movie? If you said no, I wouldn’t blame you. Anyway, let’s talk about the characters. That is if, they’re actually characters, to me they’re really just people written, I’m sorry, I mean, SCRIBBLED on a page for the sake of making a so-called story.

We’ll start off by talking about April, played by Tara Reid, one of the only positives in the entire movie, and possibly the franchise, only because she’s hot. Although then again, saying that is almost like saying that I’m dating the best girlfriend in the world because she’s the best looking woman I found on, I don’t know, Tinder or something, and she’s great at sex. But in reality, my girlfriend has no personality, just sex appeal. Well I guess my girlfriend’s actually not that great then. Other than that, I don’t care about her, I can’t really relate to her, I just literally wanted every character in this film to die. Although one plus I can give April is that she didn’t ruin the “Star Wars” line “May the force be with you,” once more. All the other things I remember about her character is that she is basically an 80’s humanoid at one point, and she does all sorts of shark-killing s*it. What else is there to remember? Oh my gosh, I’m GETTING A HEADACHE WHILE WRITING THIS REVIEW! I DON’T THINK I’M KIDDING WHEN I SAY THAT! Then again you can’t see me, so, what do I know, what do you know, what does anyone know?

Let’s get to stupid character #2 and talk about Fin Shepard, played by Ian Ziering. I barely recall anything he did in this movie much like April. I just remember he was there for shark killing, he was looking for his son, and I also remember him at the end. I SWEAR to you, this movie is ultra-forgettable. It’s RARE for me to actually forget about a movie shortly after I see it. When the movie’s two leads are barely even memorable other than their names, that’s a problem. And I’ve seen every “Sharknado” movie. THAT’S A FACT. I watched the first one, I saw the sequel but it was being riffed by Rifftrax, I saw the third one but it was more of something that was just on in the background, I don’t really recall that much, I witnessed, livetweeted, and reviewed the fourth one, and now I saw this monstrosity. Also, one of the things I hated the most about this film is this line he gives to the pope, “Forgive father, for I am Fin.” I lost my mind when I heard that crap!

Also returning in “Sharknado 5” we have the character of Nova, played by Cassandra Scerbo. I remember her more in the first minutes of the original “Sharknado” compared to “Sharknado 5” so that says something you need to know about this character. Once again, I barely remember anything about Nova, I don’t care about her, and I was just like, why are all of these people I’m tweeting alongside with obsessed with her? Is it because of how hot she looked in the first movie when she was in her bathing suit? By that logic, Nicola Peltz’s character from “Transformers: Age of Extinction” must be a phenomenal character because she’s a 10/10 when it comes to looks, even though she didn’t give a good performance.

Last but not least when it comes to “characters,” we’re gonna focus on Gil. I don’t have an image for him, couldn’t find too many likable ones, so bear with me. I HATE GIL. I thought he was just plain annoying in “Sharknado 4” but now that we’re somehow here in “Sharknado 5,” he’s gone from bad to worse. While he wasn’t technically as annoying as he was in the installment before this new one, he played a huge part in the movie, which ultimately made me not root for anybody in. He got sucked into a sharknado, and now it is up to April and Fin to save him. I may be a dick for saying this, but seriously, after hearing this kid squeal in the last movie I was just done with him, I was like, “Goodbye kid, I don’t need you no more.” Although when it was revealed that April and Fin were going to try saving him, I lost my s*it. Sure, it’s their kid, but that kid f*cked up my brain in the worst way possible!

Another reason why people watch these films are the celebrity cameos. And while they aren’t really cringeworthy, you can’t help but think, “Why are they here?” You’re seeing all of these people: Claudia Jordan (Deal or no Deal, The Price is Right), Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms), Fabio, and Tony Hawk, how much are they being paid? Are they being forced to do this against their will? The only cameo I ended up liking and remembering was Gilbert Gottfried’s, which was one of the cameos, if not the only cameo I ended up liking in the fourth movie. Although after seeing this movie, I’m glad I can think to myself that Gottfried is still putting out quality content and not just this stuff. Seriously! Have you seen a couple of this year’s episodes of “Last Week Tonight?” His voice is dubbed over the voice of Jared Kushner!

Let’s get this out of the way. Two things I hate in life are Comcast and product placement. This movie, unfortunately, combines the two together. This is actually, believe it or not, something that occurred in “Sharknado 4,” and seeing it here, it’s actually not as bad here as it was there. In fact, if I remember correctly, I believe there’s less product placement in this movie than the previous one. Although when it comes to Xfinity at the end of the film, the film began to make me screech like a fire alarm. I get it Syfy, you’re owned by NBCUniversal, a Comcast company, doesn’t change the fact I think this is s*itty product placement and it makes me angry!

In the end, “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” continues to make me lose my faith in humanity. We’ve created masterpieces such as “The Wizard of Oz,” “Back to the Future,” “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,” now this is the entertainment that people want. I want more quality content, I don’t care what it is, just give it to me! At least “Jaws” listened to viewers and knew when to stop making movies, they stopped at four installments, this series is still going, and it’s gonna keep going until the end of time… (Sigh). One last complaint I have before I give my final verdict is the screaming. I get it, it’s a sharknado, but this movie didn’t learn it’s lesson from the last movie and to not give a headache to its audience from the screaming. Surprisingly, Tara Reid gave an annoying scream. I couldn’t believe what I was watching. I don’t watch “Game of Thrones,” but I was watching this, and I knew someone else on Twitter who was watching this too, at one point they changed the channel to HBO to watch “Game of Thrones,” I imagine they made the right choice. I’m gonna give “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” a 1/10. “Sharknado,” I need you to learn from the pros, although I don’t think you’ll listen to me because you’re a TV movie, know when to settle down. Joel Schumacher’s “Batman” series stopped after a couple of installments, the older “Superman” movies stopped at “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace,” “Back to the Future” stopped as a trilogy, take notes. Just let your series become obscure enough for no one to ever have to experience again, and we shall have peace. Thanks for reading this review, I kind of hope I’d watch a better movie after watching “The Emoji Movie” recently, but what can you do? Although if you do want to check out my review for “The Emoji Movie” be sure to click the link down below and check it out! Also, if you’re somehow into “Sharknado” or you just want to see me talk about more bad movies, be sure to check out my review for “Sharknado 4: The Fourth Awakens.” It’s been over a year since I reviewed that piece of crap and the fact that it exists, much like the movie we’re focusing on, is a sin in itself. Stay tuned for more reviews! I want to know, what do you think of this movie? Do you like the “Sharknado” franchise? Do you think I’m being too hard on it? Let me know in the comments! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!

“THE EMOJI MOVIE” REVIEW: https://scenebefore.wordpress.com/2017/08/02/the-emoji-movie-2017-a-literal-pile-of-sir-patrick-stewart-warning-strong-language/

“SHARKNADO 4: THE FOURTH AWAKENS” REVIEW: https://scenebefore.wordpress.com/2016/08/01/sharknado-4-the-fourth-awakens-may-the-absurdity-be-with-you/