Hey everyone, Jack Drees here! I just posted my top 10 BEST movies of 2017, so that means I now have to do my top 10 WORST movies of 2017. I’ve seen a good number of movies this year, some of which were great, some OK, and others that I probably don’t want to watch again unless I was being paid, or maybe I don’t want the money because the movie would torture me enough to where I beg for mercy. This list is dedicated to THOSE films. The worst of the worst. Just like with my BEST movies list I’ll remind you that I not seen every single movie that has come out in 2017. So if you’re wondering why movies like “Fifty Shades Darker,” “Resident Evil: The Final Chapter,” or “Jigsaw” are not present here, consider what I just said your reason. There’s tons of crap that comes out that there’s not enough time to watch it all. Not to mention I haven’t seen “Fifty Shades of Grey,” nor have I seen any prior “Resident Evil” or “Saw” installments so it would be even weirder watching those movies. So there you go, my case stands. Also, this is my personal opinion so if you’re wondering why I didn’t put a certain movie on the list, there’s a chance I didn’t see it or I actually admired it. Another rule I’ll state is that the films I’m talking about had to have been shown in the theater at least once, and as far as I know, I haven’t seen any theater times listed anywhere for “Sharknado 5: Global Swarming” so that movie’s off the list. Before we proceed onto my top 10, I have two dishonorable mentions I feel need to be briefly talked about on here.
Dishonorable Mention: The Glass Castle
My first honorable mention is “The Glass Castle.” This is based on a book I didn’t read in its entirety, but having gone through a portion of it, I have to automatically say the book is not only better than the movie, but actually something worth your time.
Dishonorable Mention: Gifted
Lastly for the brief mentions, we have “Gifted,” which is a word that associates with the movie’s title, a character in the movie with said title, but not the movie itself. It has solid performances and nice location choices, but the amount of product placement this movie had made it feel like a commercial.
Now that we have that out of the way, let’s reflect on my poor life choices. These are my top 10 WORST movies of 2017.
#10: Transformers: The Last Knight
(Sigh) That’s right. This s*it happened. “Transformers: The Last Knight” happened. I know a lot of people don’t like the “Transformers” movies, but I will say that each one has at least one redeeming quality about them. The score, the effects, I will even go as far as to say that the first movie had a solid story. The experience I had watching this film in the theater is one of the worst I EVER had. I can imagine everyone who saw this in IMAX got a slightly better experience than I did seeing this film in Real-D 3D. While some movies partially shot with IMAX cameras change its aspect ratio only when shown in IMAX, not to mention every once in awhile during the runtime like with “The Dark Knight” and “The Dark Knight Rises,” I actually experienced aspect ratio changes in a standard theater! I mean, WHAT?! This doesn’t bring ANY immersion to the table! Unless I was seeing this in something like RPX or Cinemark XD or something else along those lines, watching this movie anywhere but IMAX would be a s*it filled ride down a toilet! Unlike other movies partially shot in IMAX which changes its ratio after some period of time, the ratio kept changing every other second, and it almost felt like there was no reason for it! The only real positive I can give to this film is that it is actually somewhat funny at times and the effects are also kind of cool. Other than that, it’s pretty much the same thing you’ve seen in previous “Transformers” installments shoved into this one. Here’s some advice: Either end the franchise, start over, or just TRY to make a good movie.
This next movie is Goldie Hawn’s return to the big screen. Having seen this film, she should have waited just a bit longer. After seeing “Snatched,” I can confirm it is complete and total s*it. I will be somewhat fair to this considering it is after all a stupid comedy so it’s not really trying to come off as Shakespeare material, but in all reality, this movie was bad. The movie reminded me of “The Guilt Trip,” which a good amount of people didn’t like, but I thought was all right for what it was. So in a way, you can say this is a worse version of “The Guilt Trip.” Although instead of a parent and child going on a road trip, they’re on vacation in paradise. The experience of watching the movie itself is rather unfunny, awkward, and you grow to dislike some of the characters as you watch it. One thing I really hate in comedies, maybe depending on the movie, is when you can predict what’s coming. This movie has that for me. There was one really funny scene and a rather chuckleworthy character, but if the movie didn’t have those elements mixed in, it would be higher on the list. Did I mention this movie’s complete and total s*it? Cause if I didn’t, “Snatched” is complete and total s*it!
#8: The Circle
Let’s just say that the movie I’m preparing to tell you about is one you’ve never seen before. I tell you the plot is rather relevant in ways, it’s based on a book liked by many readers, it has cast members including Tom Hanks (Saving Private Ryan, Forrest Gump), Emma Watson (Beauty and the Beast, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone), John Boyega (Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, Attack the Block), Bill Paxton (Weird Science, Aliens), Karen Gillan (Guardians of the Galaxy, Doctor Who), Patton Oswalt (King of Queens, Ratatouille), ALL of those people! Then you see the movie, and kick me in the f*cking crotch. What movie I’m talking about? I’m talking about “The Circle.” Aside from the fact that the plot could have been executed better and that there’s periods of the film where basically nothing happens, the movie just makes you think, why are all of these actors together?! How do you get all of these heavyweights/popular names all in one movie and have it suck ass?! The movie’s marketing makes you think that Tom Hanks is going to be in the film for quite some time, but he isn’t really! He’s barely even there at all! In fact, speaking of actors here, what purpose does John Boyega serve? For what I recall upon first watching the movie, you could literally remove him from the picture and have little to no change to the story, at least that’s what I recall. Oh yeah, and speaking of abominable things this movie has, the ending sucks. This ending’s so bad that as far as this decade goes, it rivals movies like “The Amazing Spider-Man 2” and the “Ghostbusters” reboot. The good news is, if you are somehow curious to watch this piece of crap, it’s free if you’re an Amazon Prime member (at the time of making this list)! So if you have Prime, you have the option to subject yourself to this unbelievably atrocious torture.
#7: Underworld: Blood Wars
Kate Beckinsale. Badass, right? Not here! Not in “Underworld: Blood Wars” she isn’t! This is fifth installment in the “Underworld” franchise, and at this point, it needs to stop! In fact, it looks like it’s gonna keep going on, I heard it’s getting a TV series sometime in the future. The whole idea behind “Underworld” isn’t that heavy, it’s a world of humans, vampires, and werewolves, it’s a time of war, and it might as well be an excuse for mindless action. I enjoyed the first two “Underworld” installments, but based on how I feel about the material released after, that’s where the series should have stopped. I mean, to be fair, there’s one good thing about the movie and that’s the fact that it’s really short compared to a lot of other movies released nowadays, so you can say that implies I spent less time suffering here than I did during other films.
#6: The Only Living Boy in New York
Coming in at #6 is a movie I watched towards the year’s end since it was free on Amazon. By the way, the fact that this movie was free was the only perk that came with watching it, because other than that, I gotta say “The Only Living Boy In New York” is a piece of crap. Kate Beckinsale plays one of the lead roles in this film and I hate saying that because that means “Underworld: Blood Wars” isn’t the only dumpster fire featuring said actress! This movie was directed by Marc Webb, who also directed another movie on this list which is featured in the honorable mentions, “Gifted.” I will say though, at least “Gifted” was funny at times, it had some likable characters, and a hint of charm to it. Here in this movie, it almost feels like nobody’s happy, the main character’s mopey, the mistress he falls in love with during the movie is confused and thinks more like a computer running on Dial-Up Internet than a human, nobody seems like they’re in a good mood. Also, let’s talk about the music. By itself, the music isn’t all that bad, but at times, it feels a little too epic for a movie such as this. At times it felt like something that would be appropriate for something like an adventure flick as opposed to a drama. The way people behave in this movie almost gave me a headache. The choices they make, the way they act around each other, the way they are themselves, it’s just awkward, boring, or painful to watch. Also, the reason behind the movie’s title is something I didn’t care for. I didn’t care for how the main character wanted to write and I cared more for the mistress story. And this is really freaking sad if you ask me because as the owner of Scene Before, I’m a writer!
Coming in at #5 is “Downsizing.” Prior to this list’s publication, this was the most recent 2017 release I saw, meaning 2017 ended with a big whimper. On paper, this film sounds interesting. A guy is shrunken down and goes to live in this space with other tiny beings. Trust me when I say that this movie just makes you rack your mind up with tons of questions about the film’s practicality. Not only that, but the movie is just BOOORING! If there’s a clever way to describe “Downsizing,” I’d describe it like this: In the first act, it might as well be called “Questioning the Logic of Everything: The Movie,” and the following acts are basically what can be referred to as “C-SPAN with no politics and more fictional characters.” If Matt Damon made a bad decision on doing “The Great Wall” this year, that logically means he made an even worse decision by doing this piece of s*it.
#4: How to Be a Latin Lover
There are some films that are funny such as “The Hangover,” some that try to be funny but fail such as “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb,” and then there are those that give you the illusion that you just died, you entered Hell, and it’s the Devil that’s torturing you. Case and point, “How to Be a Latin Lover.” Woooow. If “Snatched” is complete and total s*it, then “How to Be a Latin Lover” is complete and total birds*it. I didn’t see this in the theater, but I was eager to check it out once it came out on Blu-ray because I found it used for a reasonable price. This is a comedy that not only has jokes we’ve seen before HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF TIMES (sex jokes up the wazoo, some of which are just cringeworthy to say the least), but also contains lazy jokes that I never thought I’d hear. Speaking of cringeworthy, there are a number of characters that really made me feel as if I was getting ten needles shoved in my eyes at the same time. Kristen Bell was just cartoony to the point of absurdity, the lead character played by Eugenio Derbez was unlikable, the henchmen are just giving forced jokes that are just painful to listen to. The jokes given by the henchmen could entertain kids watching say “Alvin and the Chipmunks 5: Chip Just Got Real.” That’s not a real movie, but it better not be in the future.
#3: Father Figures
If “Snatched” is complete and total s*it, and “How to Be a Latin Lover” is complete and total birds*it, then “Father Figures” is the biggest piece of dogs*it of all time! Imagine you’re tied to a chair, a dog is magically floating over your head, and said dog is taking a dump in your mouth for almost two hours. That would be irritating, right? I refuse to call this movie what they want me to call it! It’s not “Father Figures!” It’s “Bastards!” It’s a somewhat funnier title yet still appropriate for the story! Although if you want to be more accurate, it should be called “Bastard” because in reality, this movie is one f*cking bastard. Owen Wilson and Ed Helms aren’t funny in this movie, the only good parts about it are Terry Bradshaw and JK Simmons. Ving Rhames, AKA the guy whose voice you hear in the Arby’s commercials is in the movie, so that’s a plus. I can’t say he stands out. But at least I get to say he’s in it! Out of all the films I’ve seen this year, this one probably contains the scene that shrank my brain more than any other. This movie was draggy, annoying, and overall just unpleasant to watch. Avoid it like the plague!
#2: The Space Between Us
Sci-fi is one of my goto genres when it comes to naming great films. I can give a ton of them. “Star Wars,” “Blade Runner,” “The Matrix,” “Interstellar,” “Back to the Future,” “The Martian,” “Arrival,” all of those movies show my love for sci-fi, not to mention film in general. Movies like “The Space Between Us?” Not so much. Seriously, what was this thing?! I have a friend who saw this movie, she got the “privilege” of seeing it with the rest of her work crew, and she f*cking hated it. This movie, like “How to Be a Latin Lover,” is a movie that I didn’t see in theaters, but picked up once I found it used on Blu-ray. It’s an absolute rarity that I can’t stand watching a science fiction flick as much as I wasn’t able to stand this one. Like, what the f*ck did I watch? The whole plot of the film is that two beings are attracted to each other romantically, one’s on Mars, one’s on Earth, and we have to suffer through one of the worst romances ever put in a movie. These two have no chemistry, and I felt like I was gonna die watching this. Oh yeah, and some of the camerawork and editing sucks too. I don’t think there’s many movies that annoyed me as much as this one when it comes to jumpcuts. It’s just so stupid! As much as I like Tom Holland as the MCU’s Spider-Man, I’m kind of mad they didn’t cast Asa Butterfield as that character because if they did there’s a possibility we wouldn’t have to have seen this garbage.
#1: The Emoji Movie
We’ve reached the bottom of the list folks. We’ve officially broken ground and went under! This is #1! There’s only one word that can describe this movie, and that word, is s*it. In fact, I think it’s very appropriate because this movie actually has a piece of s*it in it. At #1, I give you, the movie I DID NOT WANT TO SEE, but I did anyhow to fulfill the requests of those who wanted me to watch this, and to prove that I’m willing to sit through any movie. My #1 worst movie of 2017 is… “The Emoji Movie.” Remember how I said in my top 10 best list that “Colossal” was jaw-dropping? Well, this is jaw-dropping as well. I dropped my jaw as vomit exited my mouth thinking about this piece of crap. OK, I didn’t do that, but really, what minds thought this movie was a good idea? Well, according to the poster, Columbia Pictures and Sony Pictures Animation, and I’d like to give a giant f*ck you to both of them. I know I usually swear on these posts, and I have gotten some criticism for it, but f*ck it, I gotta do what I gotta do. And what I gotta do is say, f*ck this movie! Speaking of which, while I may swear on various posts, I don’t think I’ve done it to the extent which I did during my review/rant for “The Emoji Movie.” The post was so graphic in terms of language that I actually had to provide a warning in the title, which is a first for this blog! Here are some actual quotes from my tirade–err I mean, review, sorry, review:
“Some dumbasses watched some animations and said “Oh yeah, that was the s*it!,” and thought “Let’s try to recreate those, but with Emojis!” So they went to Sony Pictures Animation and suggested this s*itshow of an idea to them and Sony Pictures Animation told them, “Welcome aboard! Time to capitalize on the name “Emoji!” Who cares if it’s s*it? We decided that “The Angry Birds Movie” was a good idea so let’s become known as the phone movie gods!” My response to that is, thanks Sony Animation! Thanks for being a bunch of f*cking twerps that don’t understand the concepts of art and storytelling (flips two birds)!”
“It almost felt like Sony Animation or someone else behind this film thought about contacting a bunch of companies who make apps and say “Hey, you want to be in our s*itf*ck in the ass?” and they somehow put them all in there so they can just make s*itloads of money!”
““The Emoji Movie” is nothing but a rip off of better animations, a s*itty idea which became a s*itty movie, and a poorly written, anger-inducing f*ckpile of a film created by a bunch of c*cksucking jackasses that just want to capitialize on a trend! If this movie makes enough money, there’s a slight chance that some motherf*cker might make a “Fidget Spinner” movie! I have a good idea for one, but we DON’T NEED ONE!”
And I just realized, I haven’t even gotten into the film itself. It’s basically an hour and a half of TJ Miller being this Emoji that doesn’t fit into its own environment, he goes out on a quest to become a normal Emoji, and while this is happening, we sometimes cut to the real world outside the phone where TJ Miller is and we see this teenager who has a crush on a girl. At the same time, his phone is acting up and he wants to solve the problem. This is because of certain, catastrophic events if you will. Throughout we get this quest that has elements of “Wreck-It Ralph,” “The LEGO Movie,” and “Inside Out.” Although unlike those movies, this movie did its story in such a lazy fashion. Product placement up the wazoo, annoying characters up the wazoo, forced plot points up the wazoo, forced characterization that doesn’t even fit up the wazoo, and s*itty dialogue up the wazoo. The only positive I’ll give towards “The Emoji Movie” is the animation, it is passable and if this movie were silent, I imagine some people would be fine watching this. But here’s the thing. It’s 2017. Good animation is a requirement by now, it’s something a lot of folks expect in their movies. This movie, story-wise is dumb as f*ck, and character-wise, is full of crap. “The Emoji Movie” is not only one of the worst movies of the year, I will even go as far as to say, it’s the all time worst animation I’ve ever seen. It’s stupid on paper! So imagine how much dumber it is on a screen! This movie is worse than cancer! This movie is worse than Hitler! This movie is worse than getting a sword shoved up your ass! This movie is worse than any other movie I’ve seen in 2017.
Guys! 2017 is history! I think that is something that a small part of me never thought I’d say. This year not only wasn’t the greatest for movies, it was probably the worst for me personally. I may be a Negative Nancy because there were a number of positive moments in 2017, such as getting to meet the cast of “Revenge of the Nerds,” getting to see an IMAX 70mm presentation, and getting a chance to do a ton of reviews for the latest in film. Although in reality, this year was shrouded in f*ckery. The US alone is a proper example. We have a controversial group of people alongside a controversial leader of the country. We have a lot of sexual harassment scandals coming out of nowhere, which is good for getting the word out, but they occasionally involve people who have been admired. We also have the “new Internet.” Net Neutrality has been repealed, meaning that the Internet itself can be more expensive from a user perspective, which could mean that you have to pay to read my blog (at least I think that’s possible). By the way, f*ck FCC Chairman Ajit Pai. Seriously though, the year’s over, and it’s time to move on! I would like to thank everyone for reading my blog in 2017, and I hope to see more people reading it during 2018! I think personally that 2018 will manage to be worse than 2017, but only time will tell, and I really want to get off that topic now. Thanks for reading this countdown! I hope your 2018 goes well, I’m hoping to review more movies for you guys, unleash more content, and I hope you enjoy it all! I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I did my top 10 BEST movies of 2017, and if you want to read that, click the red box below that says “Top 10 BEST Movies of 2017.” Stay tuned for more reviews, more countdowns, other great content! I want to know, what are your worst movies of 2017? Do you think I missed a certain film? Let know about it and maybe I’ll agree, and if I haven’t seen it, I know now not to watch it! Leave all of that info down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!