“You Can’t Have It” is directed by Andre Gordon and stars Matthew Pohlkamp, Joanna Krupa, Armand Assante, Dominique Swain, Jillian Murray, Mindy Robinson, and Dade Elza. Nearly the entirety of “You Can’t Have It” takes place in a nightlife spot called Mr. Phil’s Bar, which according this movie’s timeline, will be closing soon. Bill Sullivan, played by Matthew Pohlkamp spends his final night in the bar when all of sudden, drinking, sex, fights, and murder eventually ensue.
A lot of you are probably wondering what this movie is, and trust me, I actually found out about this movie because I follow Mindy Robinson on Twitter, if you don’t know who Mindy Robinson is, I just recently mentioned that she is in this movie, and she plays a girl named Karen. If you have seen “King of the Nerds,” you may know her as the “Pom Pom Kitty.” Also, in case you are wondering, this movie is in theaters, but they are very few and far between, so if you can’t hit a theater, the movie is also available to rent or buy on streaming services, which I did take advantage of. I figured I’d see this for a few reasons: To support Mindy Robinson’s work considering she is related to “King of the Nerds,” simply because I love movies, and I figured I should review a movie that probably not many of you have heard of. So let’s get into it.
The main character of this movie is Bill Sullivan, when watching the movie’s overall story unfold I was able to feel bad for Bill as a character, I kind of lost emotion in the end, but we’ll get to that later. I mean, sure, Bill shows some assholery in the film, but despite that fact, the way the story was delivered gave Bill some weight and made him somewhat likable.
Dominique Swain actually plays Bill’s wife, Tammy. You know how I said for Bill, he’s kind of a likable asshole? Tammy is this way too, I won’t explain how or why she happens to be an asshole, but still, she is.
One character that really stood out to me in this film is the bartender played by Joanna Krupa, she’s also known as Jackie. Throughout the film she sounds like a girl that would take absolutely no nonsense and it really suited her character in my opinion. Like for example, if she notices someone sexualizing her, she’d put them down for it. Granted, there’s more than one character that does this in the film and I would imagine this would happen a lot in real life, but the way it is executed in this film makes the movie flow naturally. Also, on a little sidenote, she’s kinda attractive in this film, much like a good number of the ladies in the film, which I personally believe was intended from casting, and if that was an intention, I’d say that intention was met.
Kevin Porter (left) is also in this film, and before appearing in this film, Porter played Lazer from “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.” In this film, he played a character named Tyler, throughout the film, a lot of the girls in the bar seem to sexualize him, which personally I’m fine with, because this is the type of film where sexualization seems normal, he’s not the only person in the movie being sexualized, plus it adds some weight, which I won’t go into because it does delve into spoiler-territory, to the character later on.
As far as other characters go, the only one I’m gonna talk about in depth is Officer Weadon. He is played by Rob Gronkowski, who you may know as a tight end for the New England Patriots. I mean, it does feel kinda weird having Rob Gronkowski playing a character in a movie, but then again look at Shaquille O’Neal and all the movies he has done. Plus Gronkowski has done work as himself in the “Entourage” movie and in a season 15 episode of “Family Guy.” How is his performance? Personally, it felt very unnecessary at the last minute and I don’t know, just having him in the movie really just feels like a lame-ass excuse. Also, another problem I have with him, is that he is in the very center of the poster for this film (the first image in the entire post) and he’s not even close to being the main character! I mean, if he is in the center of the poster to make it look like he’s about to stop some unneeded chaos in the bar, I can understand it, but it just feels very awkward. Not to mention, Bill, the main character, can barely be seen in the poster at all!
Speaking of problems, this film is horribly edited. I mean, all of the scenes mesh together well, but that’s not my problem, my problem however is that there are so many jumpcuts that kind of throw the movie off, also there is one scene in the beginning of the movie, where characters are interacting with each other in the bar area, there is blaring music. What’s wrong with that? When cutting between the characters talking to each other, the audio levels are COMPLETELY different from scene to scene, one scene it’s loud, the other scene it’s quiet, it doesn’t feel natural and it is perhaps some of the worst editing I’ve seen in a movie! Serious points is gonna be taken off because of this, just an alert.
Also, I want to bring this up again, how unneeded Gronk is in this film. Apparently, something comes up at the end of the film moments after he appears, and based on how close to the end of the film it is, it just feels incredibly tacked on and I was just like “Why?”. This felt like one of the most shoehorned moments I ever seen in a movie, it felt just an excuse just to get Gronk on screen, which I really don’t get! I mean, you have this movie, to me it just felt like it had a “Clerks” feel, that is if “Clerks” were presented in color and focused a bit more on the customers as opposed to the employees, then it suddenly turns into, I don’t know, some sort of investigation movie that didn’t even need to exist. This movie really needed to take 3/4 of its runtime for this to happen and when it did, I just lost my s*it. Personally, I would have been fine if this were simply a movie about the last night of a bar’s existence, and what it means to everyone, there wouldn’t be as big of a problem in there, but the whole idea simply sounds entertaining in my mind, but no, they had to get some sort of problem in at the last minute, because, well, GRONK HAS TO BE IN THE MOVIE! I honestly don’t know why else they would do this!
In the end, I was not pleased with “You Can’t Have It,” I mean, I liked a lot of the characters in this film, but there are so many things in this film that just BOG IT DOWN SO MUCH. Am I being a little hard on this film? I certainly hope not, but this film really irks me the more I think about it, by the way, Mindy Robinson, if you’re reading this, you weren’t bad in the movie, you were not the problem at all (I say this as a “King of the Nerds” fan). So for right now I’m going to give “You Can’t Have It,” a 4/10. This movie gets lots of points for the story and characters, but it’s all lost thanks to a totally ridiculous climax and some really bad editing. Thanks for reading this review everyone, there are a couple movies that are coming out this weekend I want to see, and hopefully I’ll tackle at least one of them. First off, there’s one movie called “Life,” which is about a group of people discovering life on Mars, and also, I don’t know if I’ll do this, but part of me has ambitions to go see the new “Power Rangers” film. I grew up with Power Rangers as a kid, and I’m somewhat excited to hear that they’re making a movie catering towards some older audiences in it. I mean, I honestly don’t know if it’ll be good, but we’ll just see what happens. Anyway, stay tuned for more reviews. Scene Before is your click to the flicks!