Jennifer Coolidge

A Minecraft Movie (2025): Chicken Schlocky

Posted on by Jack Drees

“A Minecraft Movie” is directed by Jared Hess (Napoleon Dynamite, Nacho Libre) and stars Jason Momoa (Aquaman, Slumberland), Jack Black (Kung Fu Panda, Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle), Danielle Brooks (Peacemaker, Orange is the New Black), Emma Myers (A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, Wednesday), Sebastian Hansen (Lisey’s Story, Just Mercy), and Jennifer Coolidge (American Pie, The White Lotus). This film is based on the “Minecraft” video game and is about a group of people who find themselves inside the mysterious “Overworld.” Together, they must use their imaginations to survive and make it back home.

Courtesy of Warner Bros. – © Warner Bros.

If there is a movie coming out this year I could not possibly be less excited about, it is “A Minecraft Movie.” I have never played “Minecraft.” However, I have seen tons of gameplay of it either through family, friends, or on YouTube when I am looking for something to fall asleep to. The game came out just before I was a teenager, but I was never one of the cool kids playing it. It was never my thing. If I were to play a building game as a kid, chances are it would have been “Mall Tycoon.”

In fact, I largely avoided “A Minecraft Movie” when it first came out due to competition. I wanted to see “The Luckiest Man in America,” which came out the same weekend. I still had not seen “Novocaine.” I was lucky to catch it in theaters while I still could. I ended up seeing “A Minecraft Movie” a couple weeks into its run with a friend of mine, who is clearly more into the game than I. Frankly, they seem to be much more into the movie than I as well. Whereas they seemed to be having a ball with everything in front of them, I was cringing beyond belief.

While video game adaptations seem to be getting better with movies like “Sonic the Hedgehog” and TV shows like “The Last of Us,” “A Minecraft Movie” fails to meet the standards of those two projects. Heck, even “The Super Mario Bros. Movie,” one of the most by the numbers hero’s journey stories in years, was more memorable. Granted, unlike “A Minecraft Movie,” I actually played the “Super Mario” games. So there could be some bias.

Thankfully though, this adaptation is a slight improvement over last year’s “Borderlands,” which despite a decent cast, is an intolerable mess. Aside from being bad, “Borderlands” and “A Minecraft Movie” share some similarities. As much as I was not a fan of the way both films are presented through their artificial-looking backdrops, they do seem to implement some key elements from their respective games. “A Minecraft Movie” is full of blocky textures, from buildings to weapons to even some of the characters. It does not change the fact that some of these textures fail to please the eye. The movie sometimes presents its Overworld as a place of wonder, but I never felt that as a viewer. It had an uncanny valley effect at times. It felt like something inside “Ready Player One,” except in that film’s virtual world, just about everything was distinctly animated whereas the Overworld often serves as a hybrid between live-action and animation. I questioned the filmmakers’ decision from the start to make this film live-action, and seeing some of the Overworld on screen makes me feel justified for reacting the way I did. What were they thinking?!

Courtesy of Warner Bros. – © Warner Bros.

I am not a huge fan of the blocky graphics “Minecraft” tends to use in their games, but they are still undeniably unique. If you presented “Minecraft” to someone in the 1990s who was in the middle of playing “Super Mario 64,” and say this is coming out more than a decade later, they could think that video game graphics regressed heavily over the years. But the graphics are still a part of the “Minecraft” brand. I understand this is an adaptation, but the movie just looks off-putting. If I had one positive, if we are going by symbolism, the contrast between the people from the real world and the Overworld is distinct. Perhaps this distinction is an artistic choice. But if I want art, I will simply go watch paint dry.

Going back to “Borderlands,” another similarity that film has with “A Minecraft Movie” is that Jack Black appears in both projects. And just like “Borderlands,” Jack Black basically plays a cartoon. In some ways, Jack Black’s character, Steve, reminds me of my dad. He is pretty expressive, spends lots of time building things, and sings during the most random occasions. Although unlike my dad, I found Steve’s singing to be annoying and nonsensical. There are multiple instances where Steve sings. Not all of them impressed me. There is one song towards the film’s conclusion that I found mildly decent, but other than that, they were headache-inducing.

By the way, I have no idea how many people would be surprised by this, Steve is not exactly what one would call the main character of this film. Sure, the film is sometimes presented from his first-person perspective, but there is also a huge gap where he basically disappears. So, the question is, who is the main character?

Your guess is as good as mine.

The film starts with Steve yearning for the mines and later discovering the Overworld, until we eventually spend some time in the real world with a couple young adults, a retro gamer, a realtor, and some other faces.

Courtesy of Warner Bros. – © Warner Bros.

In the real world, much of the screen time is dedicated to the young adults, who happen to be a brother-sister duo. The sister, Natalie (left) is raising her brother, Henry (right center) while trying to hold a job at a chip factory. The brother means well, but his creative mind seems to get him in trouble. If you were to break this movie down structurally, one can argue the brother is the main character as his arc tends to show him being creative and embarrassing himself in the real world, but having much better luck with such creativity in the Overworld. By the film’s conclusion, the script tries to implement an epilogue for each character, but sometimes they feel half-baked based on the little substance their characters are given during the runtime.

Sticking to the real world, there are a couple characters who come from there who caught my attention from their first appearance – Jason Momoa as Garret Garrison (right), and Jennifer Coolidge as Vice Principal Marlene.

I said earlier that Jack Black basically plays a cartoon, but whereas his performance felt overdone, Jason Momoa had an animated energy that kept me captivated. He plays a game store owner who endlessly brags about a particular accomplishment he made in his career, but ultimately, he comes off as a has-been. Momoa gives 110% with every line, no matter how idiotic.

Warner Bros

Then you have Jennifer Coolidge’s character. She is not in the movie for long, but by the end, she is unhinged. I am not going to pretend her character was perfect. In fact, you could almost write Coolidge out of the film entirely and it would have little to no real effect on the main story. Does it change the fact that her material was mildly entertaining? No. I will admit, Coolidge oozed personality at times. I will also note that this is a film mainly aimed at children, but Coolidge’s character does utter some mature phrases and act out some equally mature scenarios. I think the teenagers might understand what she is doing. The children? Hard to say. Hard to know in this digital age.

“A Minecraft Movie” has five writers. This film is the textbook definition of too many cooks in the kitchen. Again, when it comes to naming a main character, the film is almost confused in who that ultimately is. Maybe I would be more forgiving if all the characters were likable, but several of them were dull or flat out irritating to watch. By the film’s conclusion, the atmosphere honestly feels as bloated as one of the Michael Bay “Transformers” movies.

My experience of watching “A Minecraft Movie” reminded me of when I saw “Avengers: Infinity War” in the theater for the first time. During both screenings, there was no shortage of people applauding and cheering at various points. Although there is a difference between the two experiences. The age range for my “Infinity War” screening skewed more adult, whereas “A Minecraft Movie” had noticeably more kids. I was also not one of the people cheering. Granted, some of the applause breaks were for in-game references, which I would not fully understand anyway. I was not the target audience for those jokes. But one reason why I was not applauding as much as the people around me is because I was not as engaged as they were with the film. I wonder if I would be clapping more if I played the game. I wish I could share the same passion about this film that seemed to be beaming throughout the rest of the auditorium, but I was bored. There is no way around it.

Although I will say, even though my audience seemed to applaud at certain points either out of pure contagion or simply for the sake of doing so, one positive thing about my experience is that no one threw food. On that note, “Chicken Jockey” got a lot of fanfare.

With that in mind, it leads me to something I typically say about movies. Just because the children end up liking it, does not automatically indicate that I had equally as positive of an experience and will therefore give the movie a positive score. There are good movies that are “made for kids.” “A Minecraft Movie” is not one of them. Go watch a Pixar movie or a Studio Ghibli movie if you want a fine example of masterclass visual storytelling. This is just visual noise. Heck, if you want a great commercialized film that kids and adults can enjoy, go watch “The LEGO Movie!” Who would have thought a movie on plastic building blocks would become a beloved hit? Go watch “A Minecraft Movie” and “The LEGO Movie” back to back and tell me which one you think is better. Personally, I think the answer is obvious.

In the end, there is not enough TNT in the Overworld to destroy my memories of experiencing “A Minecraft Movie.” This is a film that I imagine that the people making it will probably be happy to have on their resume, likely because it was popular, and not necessarily because it was good. If you are looking for cinema, look elsewhere. This is not the worst video game movie of all time. I just find a lot of choices in the final product to be questionable. Everything from casting Jack Black as Steve to the uncanny valley-esque live-action style choice to the paint by numbers narrative. I do not play the “Minecraft” game that much. It does not interest me. But I imagine I could have a more pleasant hour and a half playing the game as opposed to watching the movie that it inspired. I am going to give “A Minecraft Movie” a 3/10.

“A Minecraft Movie” is now playing in theaters and is also available to rent or buy on VOD.

Courtesy of Warner Bros. – © Warner Bros.

Thanks for reading this review! My next reviews are going to be for “Sinners,” “Thunderbolts*,” “Rust,” “The Ruse,” and “Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning.” Stay tuned! If you want to see these reviews and more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “A Minecraft Movie?” What did you think about it? Or, have you ever played “Minecraft?” Is it fun? Let me know down below! Scene Before is click to the flicks!

Riff Raff (2024): Having a Cast This Good in a Movie Just Shy of Being Solid is a Crime

Posted on by Jack Drees

“Riff Raff” is directed by Dito Montiel (Empire State, The Son of No One) and stars Jennifer Coolidge (American Pie, The White Lotus), Ed Harris (The Truman Show, Apollo 13), Gabrielle Union (America’s Got Talent, Bring it On), Lewis Pullman (Top Gun: Maverick, Bad Times at the El Royale), Miles J. Harvey (Supercool, The Babysitter), Emanuela Postacchini (The Seven Faces of Jane, Who is America?), Michael Angelo Covino (Keep in Touch, The Climb), Pete Davidson (Saturday Night Live, The King of Staten Island), and Bill Murray (Ghostbusters, Stripes). This film is set during a family reunion when a criminal’s life is suddenly turned upside down.

February is typically a dumping ground for movies. Although in recent years, the month has had a few attractive titles at the box office that would bring in a vast audience. In fact, this year we had “Captain America: Brave New World” as the month’s hot ticket. I am not going to pretend that “Riff Raff” had anywhere close to the box office potential of Marvel’s latest film, but if you look at the film’s cast, it would, in theory, bring some unlikely viewers in the door.

With the film’s cast being the biggest selling point, I am not surprised to say that they collectively end up being the highlight. Each individual brings their A-game and they all have decent material to work with. Is the material award-winning? No. Will the material go down in the history books? Probably not. But if you are looking for an hour and a half to kill, this might do. Perhaps just barely.

If you like the vibes of Rian Johnson’s “Knives Out” combined with a bunch of Quentin Tarantino’s filmography, then “Riff Raff” is for you. This film features a peculiar family who all come together at the same place. Even families whose members vowed to never speak to each other after that one time they discussed politics at Thanksgiving can tell you that this is clearly not a typical family gettogether. On top of that, the film is violent, bloody, and visceral. It is not the most grotesque picture of all time, but it is rather dark.

You may have noticed in the last couple paragraphs that I refused to take select thoughts I had on the film to an extreme. This is a consistency I have noticed regarding the film as I write this review. “Riff Raff” is a film that lacks standouts, both positive and negative. Sometimes I wonder if that is worse than a straight up bad movie. Because at least you can remember a bad movie. It is an experience you want to forget, but it often stays with you for a reason. This movie, while it has its moments, feels kind of disposable in the long run.

That said, there are some standouts in this film, one of which is Jennifer Coolidge as Ruth. She is funny, charming, and brings a respectable energy to her role to the point where I can only see Coolidge playing this particular character. There are certain portions of the film where you can clearly see the nerves coming out of Ruth to the point where she even tries to defend said nerves by suggesting they turn her on.

When you put Jennifer Coolidge in the same room as Bill Murray, Pete Davidson, and Ed Harris for example, such a concept sounds promising. In fact, all of these actors do a great job with their roles and have solid chemistry with one another. If I had to be honest, if you have a cast this promising, I wish the script were pinched up a little more to make the experience of watching all of these people at the same time just a bit better. Going back to “Knives Out,” the great thing about the movie, and even its 2022 follow-up, is that the gangbusters ensemble casts of both projects had great screenplays to back up their performances. I am not going to pretend that the screenplay for “Riff Raff” is broken. It works, it functions. Again, just barely. When I look back at this movie however, if I were to recommend it to somebody, I would recommend it on the idea of watching all of these big name actors come together as opposed to selling them on what kind of ride they are in for. The actors seem to offer more to the film, and as a result, the experience, than the writer does.

For the record, this film is solely written by John Pollono, who co-wrote one of my favorite films of the past decade that I did not review, “Stronger,” which is about a guy who was injured in the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing. If I were to put these films side by side, I would easily choose to watch “Stronger” every single time. Although this is not to say “Riff Raff” is a heaping pile of malarkey. Pollono does a good job with “Riff Raff” by balancing humor with occasional drama. He also brings halfway decent stakes to the table.

I watched the film alongside my grandma as well as my mom. These two are not usually the target audience when it comes to bloody, violent films. Unsurprisingly, these two did not seem to walk out of the film thinking it was their favorite. But I would say in a way, the film seemed to do its job because it definitely generated a reaction out of them. The film has its hints of shock value, and there are some tense scenes where serious injury or bloody death seems imminent.

The film has some hilarious moments. There is one sequence past the halfway point featuring Pete Davidson and Bill Murray’s characters that had me in stitches. The sequence presents them with a neverending obstacle, and it was executed fantastically. “Riff Raff” is not the easiest film to identify within a certain genre. It is a little bit of an action flick. It is a little bit of a drama. It is a little bit of a crime story. It is a little bit of a comedy. When it comes to the comedy, it does not always hit, but when it does hit, it is sometimes a bullseye.

In fact, going back to those genres, one problem with this film is that it leans into being multiple genres at a time to the point where it never finds its footing and excels at one thing. It is like a more mature “Red One.” Although in this case, some of those genres perhaps barely surpass the “it’s fine” mark.

In the end, “Riff Raff” is neither great or horrible. It is the Little Caesars Pizza of crime movies. It delivers some enjoyment in the moment, but by no means is it going to sit in the hall of fame. Is “Riff Riff” going to end up being the year’s most memorable movie? No. In fact, it will likely be far from it. But there are also way worse options out there for your viewing displeasure. This is kind of in the middle of the road. It has been some time since I sat down and watched the movie so I am bound to forget some things, but truth be told, the more that time passes, the more I realize how forgettable “Riff Raff” becomes. The film has some decent moments that could squeeze it into a territory where I would say it is worth at least one watch, but I am nevertheless going to give “Riff Raff” a 5/10.

“Riff Raff” is now available to rent or buy on VOD.

Thanks for reading this review! I am sorry I have not posted a review for awhile. I have been busy with life, hobbies, as well as crafting the 7th Annual Jack Awards, which you totally should check out! It is available now for your enjoyment! That said, I do have more reviews coming including ones for “Nickel Boys,” “Mickey 17,” “Locked,” “The Luckiest Man in America,” “The Penguin Lessons,” and there is one film I saw recently that I have been debating as to whether I am going to review it or not, I just saw “Hans Zimmer & Friends: Diamond in the Desert.” It is a concert film, and I do not have a ton of experience with reviewing, or even watching those kinds of movies. That said, it was a great moviegoing experience and I would love to talk about it at some point. If you want to see more from Scene Before, follow the blog either with an email or WordPress account! Also, check out the official Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Riff Raff?” What did you think about it? Or, what is a movie with a solid cast that you think could have been better? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!

Promising Young Woman (2020): I Promise, This Is Thrilling

Posted on by Jack Drees

“Promising Young Woman” is written and directed by Emerald Fennell (The Crown, Call the Midwife), and this is her feature length directorial debut. This film stars Carey Mulligan (An Education, Drive), Bo Burnham (Eighth Grade, The Big Sick), Alison Brie (The Disaster Artist, Glow), Clancy Brown (The Goldbergs, Billions), Jennifer Coolidge (American Pie, Joey), Laverne Cox (Orange is the New Black, TRANSform Me), and Connie Britton (Spin City, Nashville). This film follows a young woman, like the title suggests, as she tries to get revenge on people she finds herself coming across after reflecting on an event from her past.

This holiday has brought a couple big movies to the masses, “Wonder Woman 1984” and “Soul.” I’ve seen the latter, and it is good. Not great, but good. Although it is a disappointment by Pixar standards. I also saw “Wonder Woman 1984,” but I won’t share my thoughts yet as it is going to be my next review. These two big films are not specifically theatrical exclusives in the United States. “Wonder Woman 1984” is playing on the big screen wherever theaters are open and on HBO Max while “Soul” is exclusively on Disney+. On the other hand, “Promising Young Woman” is a film that is currently a theatrical exclusive (even though it should land on VOD soon). What did I think of “Promising Young Woman?”

I think “Promising Young Woman” is a damn good time. If anything, I was quite surprised with how it turned out. Partially because the way I interpreted the film, given how I knew there was a revenge plot in it, would happen to be sort of similar to John Wick, but with vastly different issues at hand. But it is not, the beauty of the film is not in the physicality, not in the things people do, not in the action. After all, if you go in expecting a “John Wick”-like action film, your expectations may be a little subverted. The beauty of “Promising Young Woman” lies within a couple aspects. The dialogue, most of which was good. And the editing, all of which was excellent. This film is edited marvelously and provides for a unique flair at times. They take a slight core aspect of the film and use it to separate key moments, and the execution for this feels bold and manages to be delivered with a commanding presence.

By the way, this film is edited by Frédéric Thoraval, who has experience with editing not only a revenge story, but one of the best revenge stories ever filmed, with 2008’s “Taken.” “Promising Young Woman” is another killer flick to add to his resume. Then again, he also edited 2018’s “Peppermint,” which basically is kinda sorta “Taken” except that Jennifer Garner is in the spotlight, not Liam Neeson. And as an overall revenge story, it leaves much to be desired. I’ll say, Thoraval did a fine editing job, however. With the editing in “Promising Young Woman,” a lot the highlights seem to spark from a personal touch from director Emerald Fennell. A touch that only she could have conceptualized. However, it does not take away from the fact that the editing seems to make for one of the best parts of the film.

Let’s talk about the main character of the film, Cassandra. First off, Carey Mulligan is going to be a talk of the town during awards season. She knocked her performance out of the park, and she also looked the part too. Her character lives at home with her parents despite being at a crucial point in her twenties, and she does not seem to have any desire to leave. Speaking of desires, we see early on in the film that Cassandra does not have a lust for anyone else. We see that when she goes out to a nightclub, and what happens afterwards that sort of plays a crucial part in the film. We also see this with her interactions with Ryan, played wonderfully by Bo Burnham. Although she does keep herself occupied by working in a coffee shop, so she has that going for her. At the same time however, Cassandra had a path for herself building up in medical school, but she dropped out. In fact, the film even establishes that Cassandra’s parents are worried for her, they want her out of their life, they want her to meet a guy, fall in love, move out. They even get her a gift that basically symbolizes this. She gets the message right away.

One of my favorite screenwriters is Quentin Tarantino, not only because of his personal touch with each script he does, but also because in a film like “Pulp Fiction,” it basically makes fun of not only how movie scenes play out, but maybe even taps into how reality plays out. There’s this scene where Uma Thurman and John Travolta are eating together at a diner and they talk about awkward silences. That’s a fun scene that pokes at the way we communicate. There are one or two moments early on that evoke the same vibe. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it lands, it lands.

Except for a few minor problems that I have with certain lines that maybe do not fit, “Promising Young Woman” delivers one of the better screenplays of the year, and part of why I love it so much is not only because it sort of taps into our reality where it dives into why some men are pigs, why women want to defend themselves, but also because of how subversive it is. Yes, I talked earlier about how I went into “Promising Young Woman” sort of expecting “John Wick” with different issues at hand, and that’s not entirely what I got. Now I should say, I view “John Wick” as a quintessential modern thriller, so that’s part of why I used that example. But that’s not what I’m talking about. This movie has twists and turns, none of them feel shoehorned, forced. or out of place. I feel like this is a story that Emerald Fennell took her time on. This feels like a passion project. I have no idea if Fennell plans to make her career behind the camera as prominent, or perhaps more prominent, than the one she has in front of the camera. But if she is up to make another film, I am there. This was a good time.

In the end, “Promising Young Woman,” I promise you, is quite excellent. This had an intriguing beginning, some fun buildup, and a satisfyingly subversive ending. The cast offer some good performances, but Carey Mulligan is the star of the show and may be a talking point during awards season. If you like thrillers, if you like twists, if you like fine writing, and solid directing, do not miss this movie. I am glad I took the opportunity to see it, and I have a feeling many of you reading this will too. I am going to give “Promising Young Woman” a 9/10.

“Promising Young Woman” is now playing in theaters wherever they are open. There is currently no announced date for when this film will hit video on demand, but given how this film is from Focus Features, which is owned by Comcast, which also owns Universal, the film should debut on video on demand very soon.

Thanks for reading this review! My next review is going to be for the highly anticipated sequel “Wonder Woman 1984” which is now available in theaters and on HBO Max. I might also review one or two more films by the end of the year, possibly “Fatale” or “News of the World,” but we shall see what happens. Be sure to follow Scene Before either with an email or WordPress account so you can stay tuned for more great content! Also, check out my Facebook page! I want to know, did you see “Promising Young Woman?” What did you think about it? Or, is there a movie that you’re looking forward to that could make some noise during awards season? Let me know down below! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!

The Emoji Movie (2017): A Literal Pile of Sir Patrick Stewart (WARNING: STRONG LANGUAGE)

Posted on by Jack Drees

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Before we begin this review of the piece of crap they call “The Emoji Movie” I would like to remind everyone that I’m not doing this for clicks, as you can see above, I have proof I saw this. I’m doing this review for a couple of reasons. 1: To give you a movie review. 2: I’ve gotten requests to do this. I would like to say to those people, thanks for the request and I’m happy to deliver on it, but at the same time, f*ck you. But seriously, who doesn’t love hearing a guy complain about a s*itty movie? If you have children, let them read at their own risk, and enjoy my review!

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“The Emoji Movie,” AKA an animated s*itshow, is directed by Tony Leondis, who you may know for directing “Igor,” an animation from 2008, and it stars TJ Miller (Silicon Valley, Deadpool), James Corden (The Late Late Show with James Corden, Gavin and Stacey), Anna Faris (Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, Mom), Maya Rudolph (Bridesmaids, Grown Ups), Steven Wright (Mad About You, Son of the Mask), Jennifer Coolidge (Legally Blonde, 2 Broke Girls), and Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: The Next Generation, X-Men). This movie revolves around the Meh Emoji, played by TJ Miller, and if you know the Emojis and are familiar with them, you’d know they represent symbols and they can’t really change, so naturally in this movie about Emojis which actually live inside a person’s phone, each Emoji is only capable of making one expression. However, TJ Miller’s Meh is a bit more expressive, making him unique from other Emojis. However Meh isn’t intending on having that unique quality about him last so he sets out on a quest in order to make him a normal Emoji.

I bet you’re asking, “Jack! What the f*ck are you doing?! This movie has no potential! Why are you seeing this?!” My answer to you is, I don’t know. Going in, I expected this movie to make me want to kill myself. On opening night, “The Emoji Movie” was leaked to have gotten a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. Granted the rating has gone up since I found out about that, but it’s worth pointing out. If I weren’t doing this blog, I’d probably ignore this movie, but the thing is, quite a few people have requested that I’d do this. I made a Twitter poll not long ago and when the results came in, it turned out more people wanted me to review “The Emoji Movie” than not review it. So ultimately, I wanted to see how deplorable this movie actually was. And trust me fellas, this movie was crap! This is probably the worst animation I’ve ever seen. This movie copypastes elements from other animations which have been released over the years but has none of the charm, heart, humor, or likability needed to make a good product. This movie makes “Ice Age: Collision Course” look like “How to Train Your Dragon.” This movie makes “Transformers: The Last Knight” look like “Pacific Rim.” This movie makes “Terminator: Salvation” look like “TRON.” This movie makes “Battlefield Earth” look like “Interstellar.” This movie makes “Fant4stic” look like “Spider-Man 2.” “The Emoji Movie” is so bad that it doesn’t come as much of a shock when you think about it, it’s a movie about Emojis! A concept which on paper, sounds dumb as s*it and is also dumb as s*it in reality. When I talked about the first teaser trailer for this atrocity, I knew something bad was going to happen, and damn I turned out to be right!

Let’s talk about TJ Miller’s character of Meh in depth. If you ask me, I like TJ Miller, I enjoy him in “Silicon Valley,” I appreciated his character in “Deadpool,” and I also like his voice. Even if he’s doing crap, he still does a fine job. For example, he was in “Transformers: Age of Extinction,” which in my book is mediocre at best. He played a character named Lucas Flannery and at one point while watching that character, he might as well come off as some sex pervert or something. Granted he’s not on screen as long as other characters, but this is something many people saw in that character. If you watch him in the beginning of the film, you’d probably have a good guess as to what I’m talking about. TJ Miller wasn’t terrible casting-wise for Meh, which utterly surprised me, he also isn’t TERRIBLE as a character, but the thing that this movie was trying to do with a lot of the characters, this one included, was make them funny, although the movie failed to deliever on that. Although I will say, one thing that’s kind of funny about TJ Miller being cast in this movie, is that in “Deadpool,” another movie he’s in, he has to explain to the main character of Wade Wilson, what the poop Emoji is.

WADE WILSON (Ryan Reynolds): (Looking at a text from Ajax) What is that?

WEASEL (TJ Miller): That’s the s*it Emoji. You know the turd with the smiley face and eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.

Along Meh’s journey over the course of the runtime, we meet a couple supporting characters. Hi-Five (James Corden) and Jailbreak (Anna Faris). This is part of where the elements from other animations come into play. Hi-Five is basically the comic relief of the film, it’s almost like your typical “scene stealer” you’ve seen in movies like “Up” (Dug), “The Secret Life of Pets” (Snowball), or “Frozen” (Olaf). I’m fine with this movie having a character like that, but the big problem I have with the character has to do with the most basic quality a comic relief character needs, which is humor! I don’t recall any funny moments from the character, same for the movie itself. I wanted this character to literally DIE. There was one moment where there was some sort of giggle coming out of my mouth, but I need more than a giggle! In fact there were actually kids in this theater with me, they almost didn’t utter a sound. I actually was in the second upper row in the theater, there was barely anyone in my row, but one row above me, there was a family. I don’t know what their final thoughts are on this movie, but I remember one part of the movie scaring a kid, and I recall that more than making them laugh. By the way, the character who caused the kid to get terrified was Smiler, played by Maya Rudolph, we’ll get to her in a bit, but let’s talk about Jailbreak for now. Jailbreak wasn’t the worst character on screen, although there were some things I didn’t like about her for sure. One thing that was noticeable was how much she was like Wyldstyle (Yes, that’s how her name is spelled) from “The LEGO Movie.” The only difference between her and Wyldstyle is that Jailbreak doesn’t have a boyfriend when we first meet her, and she’s basically displayed as some sort of feminist. I don’t have too big of a problem with that, but still. Not only do we get a rather cliche character, but as she develops during the film, she just becomes more and more cringeworthy! Oh yeah, speaking of cliche characters from animations, TJ Miller’s Meh, who we recently talked about, actually is kind of stock too! In a way, he’s almost like Emmett from “The LEGO Movie” and Ralph from “Wreck-It Ralph!” I imagine some of the people imagined this is part of went on behind the scenes. Some dumbasses watched some animations and said “Oh yeah, that was the s*it!,” and thought “Let’s try to recreate those, but with Emojis!” So they went to Sony Pictures Animation and suggested this s*itshow of an idea to them and Sony Pictures Animation told them, “Welcome aboard! Time to capitalize on the name “Emoji!” Who cares if it’s s*it? We decided that “The Angry Birds Movie” was a good idea so let’s become known as the phone movie gods!” My response to that is, thanks Sony Animation! Thanks for being a bunch of f*cking twerps that don’t understand the concepts of art and storytelling (flips two birds)!

On a different subject, let’s talk about Maya Rudolph’s character of Smiler, she was the film’s main antagonist. I find this character to be one of the most annoying villains I’ve seen in my life. And by annoying, she didn’t exactly annoy any of the movie’s characters, she annoyed me. I HATED her voice. She’s basically what would happen if Joy from “Inside Out” went insane. I despised this character! As a villain, her motivation was clear, but as a character, her personality didn’t make me smile, IT MADE ME RAGE! Speaking of things that made me rage, we get ANOTHER similarity to “The LEGO Movie” when it comes to the villain! She has these minions that are supposed to look menacing, you know how in “The LEGO Movie” they have these characters referred to as Micromanagers? They’re all black and red and they essentially, well, micromanage stuff. Guess what’s in this piece of crap?! MORE BLACK AND RED MINIONS! They look different and they don’t exactly do the same thing the Micromanagers do, but it just comes off as unoriginal especially when you keep a lot of the other elements from this film in mind. What are the names of the minions? I don’t know and I don’t give a f*ck!

One of my absolute biggest disappointments concerning “The Emoji Movie” is Sir Patrick Stewart. Now keep in mind, when say Patrick Stewart is a disappointment, I didn’t hate him in this movie, it’s just that I wanted to see more of him. He plays the Poop Emoji, and I think it’s a superb casting choice, by far the best one in the movie. Who doesn’t want to see a British piece of s*it walking around with a remarkably soothing voice? I will say, regardless of what you think of Patrick Stewart in this film, there’s one interview where Stewart is talking about the movie, it’s on “Conan.” The interview was meant to promote “Logan,” but Patrick Stewart and Conan O’Brien talked about “The Emoji Movie” at one point. I don’t know, I just love it. The video’s down below if you want to watch it.

Although one of the biggest flaws when it comes to this character, is something concerning him and his son, Poop Jr., or PJ. There’s this one scene from the trailer containing a poop joke, you know what I’m talking about if you’ve seen it. Before that even happens, Patrick Stewart comes out of a stall with his son, who is established to be ten years old. I’d be OK with this if the son was like, I don’t know, three and he wasn’t toilet trained, or if he was puking at one point or had diarrhea or something, but the problem here is, he’s toilet trained, shouldn’t he be in his own stall? Does he or his father have some sort of fetish with watching people eliminate waste? OK, no, that’s probably not the case, this is a kids movie, but still. In fact, during the same scene, TJ Miller’s Meh is in the bathroom too, he’s actually in there with his mother and father. One thing I want to know, is this a unisex public restroom? Because if it isn’t, this would be really awkward. Also the record, it’s easy to tell based on the qualities of the characters that none of the Mehs are transgender or anything. Just put the father Meh in the bathroom without the mother and you would avoid me questioning this scene! Speaking of which, let’s talk about Meh’s parents.

The parents of Meh are referred to as Mel Meh (Steven Wright) and Mary Meh (Jennifer Coolidge), and they serve their purpose. They’re there when they need to be, but my biggest problem with them is that maybe they’re in the movie a little too much. OUT OF THE MOTHERF*CKING BLUE, some subplot comes up that has to do with them separating, which basically does nothing for the film as a whole! You may as well consider this the opposite of “Seinfeld” because “Seinfeld” is a show about nothing and yet it turned out to be something, and here, you get something, but it turns out to be nothing! By the way, there’s a f*cking “Casablanca” reference thrown in somewhere into this subplot. THIS MOVIE TRIED TO REFERENCE “CASABLANCA!” A critically acclaimed, black and white film, was referenced, in this movie! I’m a sucker for references, but movies, TV shows, video games, whatever it may be, in my book, have to make sure these references are utilized properly and doesn’t end up feeling forced! I haven’t seen “Casablanca,” but this reminds me of the “Ghostbusters” remake when they try to reference “Scarface!”

Now part of movie takes place in this inside a real world and another part of it is in a virtual world. Does it sound like something that’s been done before? If you said yes, I’m with you because this idea has been done before. Three movies that pop in my mind when it comes to this are “Wreck-it Ralph,” “The LEGO Movie,” and “Inside Out,” all of which I consider to be great. You can also say this was done in 2011’s “The Smurfs,” but you’d be wrong, that has transporting between dimensions, not to mention it’s just hilarious to call “The Smurfs” a MOVIE. Here, the virtual world is inside a cell phone with all of these apps and Emojis and all sorts of other s*it. The real world is basically during present day, and we see a teenage boy who has a crush on a girl. While they did happen to exchange phone numbers, he’s still a little apprehensive towards the status between him and the girl because he’s having trouble deciding what to say to her and what Emoji to send to her. Now one movie reviewer whose content I frequently check out is Jeremy Jahns, he has an “awesometacular” YouTube channel. He mentions in his review that this makes no sense because the boy and the girl already has given out phone numbers to each other so the boy should have no problem contacting this girl. Believe it or not, I don’t use Emojis quite often, but I am in high school, and IF I have a crush on a girl, I might sometimes not know what to say or type, or if I know there’s something I know I want to say or type, I might not know exactly when I want to say or type it. The boy in this movie, the one who owns the phone all of these Emojis are in, wasn’t a horrible character, but watching him at times in this movie was just weird. His role in the movie involves trying to ask out Addie, the girl he has a crush on to what is referred to as the “Fall Dance.” That’s a pretty cliche dance name if you ask me, but that’s not important. He also is trying to take his phone to tech support because it’s starting to go crazy due to all the activity going on in there with the Emojis. He certainly moved the plot along, but when you combine the world of the Emojis with reality, it suddenly becomes cringeworthy. This is especially noticeable during the “Candy Crush” segment of the movie. In fact, let’s compare this to two other animations, “Wreck-It Ralph” and “Inside Out.” This also just goes to show you how much this movie is like those!

When it comes to both of these movies, both of those take place in two different dimensions which can’t be crossed. In Wreck-It Ralph, you have the real world, which is basically inside an arcade, and for the virtual world, it’s inside the games which make up the arcade. In “Inside Out,” the movie took place in the real world, where we see the life of Riley, the film’s main character who moves to San Francisco with her parents, along with the virtual world, which is inside Riley’s head and we get to look at all of the emotions such as Joy, Fear, and Anger. What makes “Wreck-It Ralph” and “Inside Out” great is that they focus a lot on their story and happen to remain smart, which is kind of funny because this movie takes place in a “smartphone.” Also, “Wreck-It Ralph” was a fun ride for kids and adults alike, “Inside Out,” wowed me and almost made me cry at the end. Another similarity is that these three films contain a character going on an adventure away from where they primarily belong, which is fine, I don’t mind that, but the other movies did it better. Also, the inclusion of “Candy Crush” kind of reminded me of “Sugar Rush” from “Wreck-It Ralph.” The way the characters and apps are in “The Emoji Movie” remind me of “Wreck-It Ralph” too because in “Wreck-It Ralph” you’ve got all of these iconic video game characters like Pac-Man, Q*bert, Bowser, Zangief, and Sonic the Hedgehog, who actually was played by the same guy who did the voice for him in “Sonic Free Riders” and “Sonic Generations.” In this movie, it’s kind of hard not to include these characters, after all, this is “The Emoji Movie,” but “Wreck-It Ralph” did a better job at including those characters by not including anything that would be considered forced or cringeworthy. Not to mention, the characters that are all in the Wreck-It Ralph video game are exclusive to this movie, they aren’t based off of any sort of video game, they were made up for the “Wreck-It Ralph” movie. When I first heard about “The Emoji Movie,” I thought this movie wasn’t necessary. I gave kudos to the animators for making it look good, but then again you can look at an animation like “Ice Age: Collision Course” and say it looks good. Also, in “Wreck-It Ralph,” the video game the main character belongs in goes out of order due to “technical difficulties,” and in “The Emoji Movie,” the phone might not have much time left because of its own technical difficulties. And there’s one moment in this movie, specifically towards the end, which reminded me of a flashback that occurred in “Wreck-It Ralph” in Sugar Rush.

One thing I DETESTED in this movie is the obnoxious product placement! This movie has more product placement than a Michael Bay “Transformers” film! You can argue that “The LEGO Movie” was a commercial, but here’s the thing, the story came first. It almost felt like Sony Animation or someone else behind this film thought about contacting a bunch of companies who make apps and say “Hey, you want to be in our s*itf*ck in the ass?” and they somehow put them all in there so they can just make s*itloads of money! “The LEGO Movie” utilized product placement to a certain degree and there’s only one moment in the movie that feels commercial-esque (the moment that talks about a bunch of LEGO sets) but not only does it fly by, it’s kind of makes me laugh. This movie has an entire segment inside “Candy Crush” that moved the plot along, and when it comes to other stuff, it’s almost like this: “You guys know Facebook? Oh look, here’s Facebook!” “You guys know YouTube? Here’s YouTube!” “You guys know Instagram? Oh look, there’s Instagram!” There’s also a segment containing a dance sequence which was PAINFUL to watch. Guess where it takes place? “Just Dance!” There’s even a moment where our heroes have to get to Dropbox! Not only that, but guess how they get there? Twitter! No, they don’t go through the app, instead, the Twitter bird mascot shows up! What the f*ck?!

I want to ask something, were you expecting a good movie out of this? Because I sure wasn’t. This was one of my least anticipated films of the year, and the reason why I saw it is basically people wanted me to go see it. I’m doing this for others, not myself. “The Emoji Movie” is nothing but a rip off of better animations, a s*itty idea which became a s*itty movie, and a poorly written, anger-inducing f*ckpile of a film created by a bunch of c*cksucking jackasses that just want to capitialize on a trend! If this movie makes enough money, there’s a slight chance that some motherf*cker might make a “Fidget Spinner” movie! I have a good idea for one, but we DON’T NEED ONE! If you bring your family to this film, you’d all probably be bored. If you bring your boyfriend or girlfriend to this film, they’ll dump you. If you bring your husband or wife to this film, they’ll divorce you. If you bring your best friend to this film, they’ll call the friendship off. If you bring your boss to this movie, they’ll fire you. If you bring a celebrity or someone like that whom you admire because they like you well enough and want to hang out with you, they’ll need a restraining order in order to protect themselves from you. “The Emoji Movie” is a quality example of a s*itty Hollywood movie that f*cks up people’s minds and makes them all explode. I’m gonna give “The Emoji Movie” a Sir Patrick Stewart/10, which can translate to 💩/🔟 if you speak Emoji, which can also mean s*it/10, although if you’re a kid it would be better for you to say poop/10, which in plain English, comes out to 1/10. There’s no reason for this movie to exist, I’ve only seen a few movies in my life that are worse than this damn pile of holy s*itness. I would probably much rather go back in time and f*ck Adolf Hitler in the ass than watch this movie again. Also for the record, I’m heterosexual so that makes it extra embarrassing. Thanks for reading this rant–err–I mean, review. Please don’t see this movie. You’re better off watching “Dunkirk” with your kids. Sure, it may be a war film with scary events happening, but at least you’ll be watching art. Speaking of which, check out my review for “Dunkirk,” the link is down below, it’s a good read, I highly suggest you check it out. Stay tuned for more reviews! Scene Before is your click to the flicks!

“DUNKIRK” REVIEW: https://scenebefore.wordpress.com/2017/07/26/dunkirk-2017-a-bloodless-yet-realistic-depiction-of-war/